To Mr. Whomever You Will Be . . .

Okay, so I say I hate Valentine's Day . . . I don't hate it.  I don't like it either.  For me it's just another day.  It's like last Tuesday, or the following Thursday.  It really has never held a special meaning for me.  Partly because, well, I haven't had a valentine in a long, long time.  I had so much going on upstairs, I really didn't have a chance to find someone. 

So, I'm looking.  Not desperatly seeking, or crazily, but just looking . . . and to Mr. Whomever You Will Be, I just want you to know, I'm just me . . .

“Just Me”

I can’t compete with the sexy young thing,
Strutting across the dance floor, showing is bling.
He’s hot, he’s a dream,
He haunts all the men’s memories.
I’m a bit shy, stand off by the side.
I don’t like everyone to know me, sometimes I hide.
But with you my hips begin to move
And the beat infects me, I start to groove.
I don’t know what will be,
I only know I’m not him, I’m just me.

I can’t outshine the drag queen on stage,
Swinging her hips, acting half her age.
She’s sassy, she’s crass,
She lets you slap her ass.
I move slowly, even though I want to go fast.
Take every step deliberately, I want it to last.
I’ll admit, deep within, a closet freak resides,
I just don’t know how to unleash it from inside.
My desires are welling, my heart is free,
I can only say I’m not her, I’m just me.

I can’t eclipse the furry bear
Flexing his muscles, wearing his leather.
He’s manly, he’s strong,
His desire burns hard and long.
I am a work in progress, it takes time.
I struggle at times to keep my eye on the prize.
I will try to fulfill your fantasies, your desires,
I can only promise to try to keep ablaze the fire.
My love burns strong, could that make you happy?
I promise you I’m not any of them, I’m just me.

Poem: Inside

“Inside”

You’ve shared your pain
Let me know what it’s like when it rains.
You’ve put out that you’re unsure,
That you don’t want to hurt.
You said you tend to push away,
That you aren’t sure what you want this day.
But I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve seen the love you have inside.

You’ve shared your desires,
What makes the flame burn deep inside.
You’ve put out exactly what you chase,
You said that to me not to make haste,
From the wall, step outside,
I don’t know why you continue to hide.
But I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve seen the warmth you have inside.

You’ve shared your kind heart,
Shown every facet, even the dark parts.
You’ve put out that you like to repair,
The things that need a little bit of care.
Look at your soul, and help it mend
It's worth the time that you need to spend.
And I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve fallen for the light you have inside.

Pretty Face

Well, this is a bit of an unexpected surprise. Originally, I was just going to post the poem I finally have hashed out from a line I wrote down while walking on campus (and I still did, it’s below this brief entry), but on the way home I decided that I’d shave off my goatee. So I did. And something a bit unexpected happened . . .

I like the face I saw that was looking back at me. Kind of cool . . . See, about 4 years ago, I grew my goatee to hide my double (okay, quadruple) chin. Everytime I decided to shave it off, I would look in the mirror and shudder. I hated the site of my big ol’ face and all those chins, so I promptly grew it right back. What’s funny, is that most people here in Topeka know me WITH the facial hair, yet most of the people in Texas know me without it. Dilemma . . . (Side Note – Gracie is partial to the goatee, but not for the reason I cited for growing it. She just likes it on me.)

So, in a way, like so many things in my life, I was hiding behind that goatee. Well, I’m not anymore . . . I think I’m going to attempt to stay clean shaven for awhile . . . This is getting interesting . . .

Here’s that poem that came from the line “Beauty fades, Love remains” that I jotted down while walking from class . . .

“Love Remains”

I know you saw it,
I saw it too.
Strutting on by,
Turning every eye in the room.
Following the steps,
Following the bounce,
Hypnotized by the creation,
The conquest,
The challenge.
Hard to remember,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know you lost your breath,
I lost mine too.
The gentle touch
Unleashing lightening thru skin.
Yearning for the look,
Yearning for more,
Infatuated with the possibility
The experience
The night.
Hard to understand,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know your body trembled,
Mine trembled too.
The gentle touch of a kiss
Blurring judgment and animal lust
Craving the satisfaction
Craving the desire
Focused on only one thing,
Only on one need,
One act.
Hard to recall,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know your heart is alone,
Mine is too.
No loving embrace
Welcoming the dawn of another day.
Hiding from the risk
Hiding from the pain
Missed a true chance
A true experience
A true love.
Only now remembering
Beauty will fade,
And only those with love will remain.

Poem: Flower Petals

Click the image for a full size view. I call it a "picture poem"

A Poem: "First Dance"

"First Dance"

The music is playing softly,
the lights are turned low.
You stand across the room,
Ready to go.

Your hand on my hip
sends ripples up my skin.
Into my eyes you look,
I'm a mess deep within.

I don't know the steps,
I haven't learned my cues.
My frustration mounts
I don't know what to do.

Do I lead? Do I follow?
What's the step I take?
Do I jump in? Do I wait?
Is it already too late?

I know what I feel
I'm aware of the cost.
but at this dance
I'm completely lost.

Finding My Way

I've been asked often why I moved to Topeka, KS. By family members, friends from Texas, people at work, even friends here. I never could come up with an answer.

I didn't know anyone that lived here. I'd lived my whole life in Texas, and all but 4 years within 100 miles of Ft. Worth. So, while working at the Target DC in Tyler, TX - word came down that they were opening a new center in Midlothian. I jumped at the chance to move back.

That's when things took a bizarre twist - that I think only now I'm beginning to understand. I walked into my HR manager's office in Tyler and sat down. I said, "Fred" (because that was his name) "I think I'd rather go to Topeka then Midlothian." He kind of paused and looked at me and said - "really?" (because that's what people say when they think you're a bit off your rocker) "Yeah, I really do." Fred kind of looked puzzled and asked "Why?" And as clear as a crystal I said "It just feels like what I'm supposed to do."

It's funny, but it seems like my whole life I've been preparing for what is about to happen to me. I've been through the ringer emotionally as a child and young adult - but I've come through. Patience and perseverance has truly kept my feet grounded. When you least expect it - you hear your calling. You hear (not as in I'm having auditory hallucinations or anything -- but I can't think of another verb) what it was that your life was meant for. I'm very lucky that I heard. It's like I couldn't embark on what is about to happen without first going through what I did - because it has made me who I am - both the good and the bad.

So again -- why was I drawn to this place -- this ice cold frigid place (it's 3 degrees outside right now!)?? Simply put -- to finally heal. My mental state has never been stronger. I still have my mood swings (can't blame a girl for a bit of emotion), but all in all it's steady sailing. I rediscovered my faith. MCC Topeka (my church home!!! holler!!) has been a blessing I never knew I would want or need. I felt as if God called me home - even though as I look back I realized I never really left. I developed stronger relationships with my family (in TEXAS!). It's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I met my kindred spirit - my bff - who loves me in spite of all my flaws and crazy antics - someone who is there for me when I've need to be picked up, dusted off, and (sometimes) given a lollipop and told to go back out and play.

What's ahead on this path I walk? A new career awaits - that I know. Second semester of Pschology has gone very well -- waiting on one more test grade and that will determine whether I get a 3.5 or my first collegiate 4.0. My professors have already said they see a good therapist in me . . . There are many more adventures that await up the road, and time will reveal those to me.

So - the reflection is due to this being the day before I take the GRE. I am already planning on taking it again, so no concerns if it doesn't go super well this time around. I need to get a 1200 . . . that's about 80 pts higher than I've gotten on a practice one - but those are paper based and I'm doing a computer one, so the harder questions are weighted more if you get them right but less if you don't -- so 1200 is possible.

In closing - I leave a thought and a poem. My thought is take time to listen when no one is speaking, when no one is singing, when no one is there. You might be surprised at what you hear Him say.

"Finding My Way"

The air was bitter cold that morning.

The sun was no where to be seen,

and as I shook the frost from my eyes,

I could see nothing. Just blackness -

A blackness that engulfed all.

Try as I could to find my way,

the obstacles were to great.

And there I stood, motionless,

Unable to defend from the evil lurking

in the onyx veil surrounding me.

I lost my way.

I looked to the heavens and realized,

hope was not to be abandoned.

For the sky was turning just a hint of blue.

The faint light was the signal I was waiting for.

Looking to the heavens,

I was able to find a break in the thorns

in the bushes that ripped at my face,

tore my clothes, and ravaged me.

I followed the heavens, walking where I could see the stars.

I found a path that I knew would lead me,

to where I would not be lost.

As I looked down the snow covered path,

The first light of the sun kissed my face.

Warming my skin, thawing my soul.

The path in front, although not clear, was illuminated.

I needed to just take a step,

One step to help myself,

One more step to help others.

Two more steps to love myself,

Four more to love someone else.

Heading towards the light I realize,

I am finding my way . . .

Poem: Slaying the Beast

Illuminated in warmth,
The confidence of the warrior,
Burning deep in my soul.

Fighting for my freedom
From the oppression and pain,
The enemy on death’s door

The rage of anger
Pulsing through every fiber
Readying to slay the dragon.

I stop and ponder
The thought of mercy in my mind,
Looking down at my antagonist.

We’ve spent so long together,
Became comfortable, Became resigning,
Snared in its neglectful tentacles.

Not pity, but empathy, for I understand.
But impale the demon I must.
And my patient sword I thrust.

Its breath stops,
My eyes close,
My demon is almost dead . . .

A Poem: Dichotomy

“Dichotomy”

It’s not just naughty.
It’s a chance to give a piece of your spirit,
your essence, a piece of your core.
You share something hidden in the depths of your heart
something so pure, so pristine, so perfect,
It’s not just naughty.
~
It’s not just nice.
It’s a chance to unleash the beast within,
your primal instinct, a basic desire.
You engage in activities that stimulate your sensations
something so exciting, so exhilarating, so exhausting.
It’s not just nice.
~
The touch, the bond, the insatiable quest –
The sweat, the passion, the emotion –
The two shades of your heart, the dichotomy of your spirit –
something that touches your faith and your lust -
Complex, confusing, complicated, compounding –

It’s not just naughty, it’s not just nice.

A Poem: Damaged Heart

Look into these tear dried eyes.

Do you see the scars behind them?

Is the hopeless dispair of lonliness

outshining the promise of life that burns

deep down inside?

I've shed the last tear in pain

over the last bit of drama brought to my door.

There is nothing left to grieve,

nothing left to cry.

Who will wipe these dry eyes?

Now that the tears are gone . . .

Hold onto this weary hand.

Can you feel the weakness within?

Can you tell that it doesn't cling

to what it knows will quickly leave

as it came?

Releasing with my grip, my nemesis, my defeat,

They no longer walk with me in the night.

There is nothing more to grasp for

blindly in the dark, misguided.

Who will take this tired hand?

Now that the strength is gone . . .

Love this broken heart.

Do you feel the pieces tearing my chest apart?

Is there a moment that passes

that every ripping beat shredding all hope

can not be heard?

It's been smashed and effectively trashed, shredded.

Slowly, with patience and perseverence,

I've collected the small pieces

and mended what I could.

Who will love this damaged heart?

Now that the strife is gone . . .

A Poem: The Storm

I've been tested by the strike
of piercing lightening through the heart.
There he stood ravaging my innocence,
but my soul he could not....
The flesh was weak, mending into scars,
but my spirit I found, would not depart.
Deep inside, I hid alone,
hardening the shell around.
Yes, I've been tested by the strike.

I've been tested by the sound
of deafening thunder rattling my bones.
The muffled screams still echo in my mind,
buy my voice he could not....
The words not known, but the feelings remained,
and in time, the emotion would roar out.
From deep inside, I cried,
beneath the shell around.
Yes, I've been tested by the sound.

I've been tested by the volume
of drowning water stealing my breath.
The weight would keep me down,
but my faith he could not....
The path not clear, but the tasks crystal,
step by step, my sweet release closer.
Deep inside, I healed,
beneath the shell around.
Yes, I've been tested by the volume.

Through the sweet tears of pain,
I saw HIS light raditating out.
HIS love would lift me up,
my sorrows would not....
With HIS sacrifice, the life within awoke,
moment after moment, my heart beat.
Deep inside, HE was always with me.
WE shattered the shell.
Yes, I saw HIS light after the storm...

(not exactly what Pastor Ty spoke about today, but this has been circling my head since church)

Watching the Clouds Grow

Along he came, walking slowly by.
A boy I once knew.
It was a time long ago, an innocence so pure.
Down his gaze, away from the world.
He plodded steadily along,
A heavy heart, a searching soul.
He missed the little joys of childhood,
So simple, so good.
There I sat, on the bench in the path.
Too shy to inquire – I let him walk through.
There I sat, quietly, watching the clouds as they grew.

Along he came, quickly moving.
A young man I once knew.
It was a time not so distant, yet not so near.
Focused in books, focused on goals.
He darted quickly to his destination,
Not absorbing the life around.
Too myopic, too blinded.
There I sat, on the bench in the path.
Too slow to interrupt, I let him walk through.
There I sat, quietly, watching the clouds as they grew.

Along he came, wandering and lost.
A man I once knew.
Seems just the other day, yet a lifetime away.
No direction, no meaning, just breathing.
He meandered along the path,
Stains of pain and sorrow on his face.
He gazed at me, and instantly I knew.
There we sat, quietly, watching the clouds as they grew.

He turned to me, with a soft glance,
And spoke in a voice so familiar and true.
What is the point? Why do you never move?
I thought, and thought, until at once I knew.
Touched with a wisdom so few ever could,
I said bittersweetly, “I’ve been waiting for you.
I watch the clouds, my soul waiting to see;
When will you finally come to meet me?”

“I’ve sat here for years, watching you walk on by.
Quiet, patient, knowing deep inside.
I knew the time would arrive, when you would see
That life holds more than you were to believe.
Your heart now healed, your gaze searching,
Your soul sat here alone and waiting.
It’s time, my friend, to no longer dawdle,
For inside, you’re ready, for all that life offers.”

Along he came, confident and sure.
A man I know and love.
Tomorrow has come, illuminating the possibilities.
With patience and perseverance he glides along,
Every turn an adventure, a lesson, a friend.
He pauses at the bench in the path where we met,
A smile, a tear, and down the path he went….
No one sat to watch, for there were no more clouds that grew.

My Candle

I blew it out.

Smoke billowing lazily

from the glowing wick

that once held

the flame of my hope,

my dreams,

my faith.

Yet it was not dark.

The oozing wax down the shaft

slowly hardened

as the heat

dissapated from my heart,

my soul,

my belief.

I could still see.

I see You standing there

holding a candle

with a flame

so bright that it energizes my being,

my desire,

my love.

I turn to look at You.

I suddenly see that

while I extinguished my candle,

it was not my light.

It was not my soul.

Instead,

it was Yours.

A tear rolls down my cheek.

Beside me you were there

to light the way

when I was to blind to see

the path laid

in front

of me.

I light my candle for others to see

the joy You bring me . . .

Angels

Angels

Angels are all around me,
interwoven into the fabric of my life.
Forever unconsciously following their path,
as they try to lead me away from strife.
I’ve not been coherent to their meddling,
merely clay awaiting the potter’s wheel.
Blindly trusting a will I didn’t comprehend.
Following the guide, walking through the tides.
Unknowingly embarking on a journey,
With a destination not determined.
Heading towards the sun . . .

A Taste of Success

Who doesn't love icecream?? I mean really - what's not to love?? Sugar, Milk, Flavor, Yummy goodness, Creamy . . . yeah, anyway - this is NOT about ice cream and how it made me sick the other day . . .

So, Wednesday I will register for courses, and then I'll officially become an undergrad student pursuing a Bachelor's (and eventually a Master's) in Psychology at Washburn University here in Topeka, KS. After much self reflecting and soul searching, I've heard a calling and have answered. I believe that I can help those that are struggling with the decision to have bariatric surgery, and more importantly help them deal with the issues that got them to this point.

At church this past Sunday (where I am now a member incidentally) I met a wonderful woman, we'll call her Xena (b/c I don't know if she'd want her name on here). It came to my attention that someone in the church was considering having a lap band. And since I had one, they wondered if I'd be willing to talk to her about my experiences and insights. Of course I said yes! Those of you that know me know that I am open book on this experience, as it has already completely changed my life!

So Xena and I chatted about the surgery itself, what I went through, where she's at in her journey to getting the band, commented on how precious her grand daughter is (she truly is), etc. We shared a lot, and I pray that the hope and joy I have come to experience from this procedure I was able to communicate to her. We laughed, shared phone #'s/emails, hugged, and parted ways.

That's when it hit me -- THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! I'm going to help people that have had some tough experiences in life, and I will help them not only survive them, but be able to thrive. I get to help them slay their own demons, as I did mine. It's humbling, and motivating at the same time. It motivates me to continue to follow the program (btw - I'm up to 45 lbs lost in case you missed the counter change!!!) and to really focus on my upcoming degree endeavors. I don't want to become a psychologist quickly, I want to be a damn good one.

I've said before I'm not a big believer in fate. But I do believe in paths crossing for a reason, and I believe that we all affect each other and change each other a little as we pass through our lives. Xena did more for me than I did for her. I hope to repay the favor one day. God indeed works in mysterious, but wondrous ways. Good luck hon!!! I can't wait to find out your surgery date!!!


"Cocoon"

So long I've toiled, in my cocoon.
Building walls to stand against the elements,
to stand the threats of hunters,
to stand against the world.
Safely I'm bundled inside.

Slowly working, becoming more than I am.
Looking around, I must tear them all down.
The walls that protect now bind,
that heal not hurt.
Suffocatingly I'm bundled inside.

Tearing at the fibers, hopelessly fighting to get free.
A prisoner in my own shield,
Unable to cast it aside.
The only existence I've known.
Tragically I'm bundled inside.

Breaking through to the outside, my wings spread wide.
The armor prison falling down by my side,
The world around, not at all how I left it.
So full of hope, so full of life,
My soul no longer bundled inside.

Poem: the Phoenix

Thom is right, this will be a birthday I will never forget. There's so many reasons why, but beating the demons that fought for control of me for so long is on top of the list. For the first time in a long, long time, I am content. That doesn't mean I won't continue to move forward, quite the opposite actually. I just have the confidence, faith, and patience to know that I will succeed. Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter weekend - hide an egg for me:)

“the Phoenix”

Reaching up
With dingy hands
Sorrows clogging lungs
Granules of pain
Making it difficult
To see ahead

Climbing up
Pulling life from the abyss
Moving towards the light
Ascending from the pit
The flames have singed
But not destroyed

Looking up
It is bright, the sun warm
Spirit not broken, resolve still strong
Vision clearing, Breath cleansing
Understanding soul
Loving me

Rising up
I am the Phoenix
From the flames that burned
I raise up from the ashes
Living again
Reborn.

A Longing

I've avoided this for awhile . . . but I've been a bit blue lately. Oh, I can feign amusement at work, or enjoy myself with friends, but it's time to admit what's bothering me. I have no one to touch me. (Not like that! Well -- like that but not!)

Seriously -- I miss a lovers touch. I can't remember the last time someone touched my bare shoulder, kissed my neck, twirled my hair, or just leaned up against me. Being alone is easy in so many ways -- make my own decisions, do what I want, get up whenever, buy whatever, do whatever . . . but I'd give it all up for someone to touch me. I long to feel alive, wanted, and loved. I know . . . just a bit lonely on a day when I should just get some sleep -- but it's keepin' me up. I'm hoping by dumping it all here it will get it off my mind. I do tend to bottle things up . . . ;)

"Hold my Hand"

~

Put your hand in mine.

Walk with me, follow me.

Be with me, don't let go.

Please, hold my hand.

~

I walked with you in the morning mist.

Your hair surrounded that angelic face.

You held my hand close to your heart.

We were one, walking down the beach.

The rising sun shimmering in the distance,

Our love radiating from with in our hearts.

And you held my hand . . .

~

I walked with you at noon.

With the sun high in the sky.

I never noticed those cold blue eyes.

I never noticed that cold heart.

You held my hand, with an icy grip.

The tenderness was gone,

But you held my hand . . .

~

I walk alone in the evening.

No one to bother me, no one to cause me pain.

I don't miss walking with you,

for you only wanted to walk by yourself.

I was not loved, not wanted.

The agony continues to build,

the sun setting in the west.

And no one held my hand . . .

Why Write?

“Why Write?”

~

How do you purge the demon from your soul?

The one that makes you cringe at the sight –

It tears at your heart, encompasses your life,

It’s the one that everyday you must fight.

~

I’ve hidden every memory, under lock and key.

Trying to pretend that it never happened to me.

But then when I least expected to think –

back came everything, taking me to the brink.

~

I’ve stuffed everything I could down my throat,

trying to bury it deep, deep down in my soul.

But the only thing that this accomplished was simple,

I have more than my cheeks with “cute” little dimples.

~

I’ve sliced my own skin, watcing it bleed.

Watching the crimson run, he did not take heed.

Instead of that foul demon from me departed,

I’m left with several hundred healed scars.

~

I’ve taken so many pills, one’s own head would spin

altering mood, altering feeling, altering all that is within.

I’ve discussed what happened, I hit every step ~

All I have to show is my very full medicine cabinet.

~

How do you purge the demon from your soul?

The one that makes you cringe at the sight –

I haven’t really been able to figure this one out,

So, in the end, all I know to do is write . . .

Being Real

So, I woke up this morning and read the poem I posted, "My Icy Heart" . . . and it kind of disturbed me. It read like a suicide note almost. Usually when I get tired, I tap into some raw emotion, but that raw emotion scared me a bit. I felt it important ot explain this a little . . . (Jeff, is this too real??)

I was talking with my friend at work, and he began asking if I was happy. I am, on the surface. He knows that . . . and worries about me. He really is a kind soul . . . but he kept digging. He brought up how he knows I am lonely, and want to be with someone. He knows I spend a lot of time alone, and he wants me to get out more. Well, that immediately upset me, and got me a bit emotional. Something I never do at work . . . he realized he pushed too much, and was truly sorry. The point is, he's right. In part of my life, I'm miserable. Absolutely, 100%, miserable.

Everyone I know, for the most part, is with someone. My good friends Darin & David, basically all of my online friends, most everyone at work . . . damn . . . everyone. Here I sit in the middle of Kansas, alone. Yes, I have friends I can call, that I can go over to visit, chat with online, whatever. I love each and everyone of them dearly, and wouldn't trade them for the world. However, I want to love someone. I want to share with them parts of my soul that I've never given to anyone else. I want to be in love.

Everyone then challenges to go out, meet people. And here lies the problem . . . while I'm a vibrant personality around those I know, I'm a wall flower around strangers. I hate to be in a crowd of people . . . I get nervous, almost overly anxious when I am. I have huge trust issues, I always think people I don't really know are talking about me or hate me, etc. Yes, it's paranoia at it's worst, but it's me. I put up some pretty big walls, and no one has ever been able to break through all of them.

It's almost a self preservation mode . . . if no one gets all the way in, I won't get hurt. I won't be judged, and I won't get rejected. I know I'm not what we would call "hot" by any stretch of the imagination (please, no 'yes you are' replies . . . I'm being real here!). That's not what I'm looking for in a man, and don't want him to look for it either. I want someone that is inspired by my thoughts, my writing, my mind. I want to be stimulated intellectually and emotionally first. I want to debate, discuss, share, and just fall asleep in his arms.

Finally, I hate sex. I know why, and I'll tell you since we're being real . . . sex was forced upon me at age 6. Those memories are very much ingrained into my head. The feeling of dirty, ashamed, confusion, guilt . . . my innocence was gone. When I experience it now, it still surfaces. It still is there. I haven't been able to shake that yet. How will someone understand that? It's such an integral part of a healthy, romantic relationship and yet I hate it. It's such a conundrum . . . I have a man's mind and a man's desires, yet right after I hate the fact that I did it.

Who wants to help sort through all this? There are so many others that don't present these issues . . . and truth be told I'm too scared to offer the chance.

I tell people that my biggest fear is of being alone. However, that's not true. My biggest fear is that I'll open myself up, and be rejected. I choose to be alone so I don't have to be rejected.

This is what has made "My Icy Heart."

My heart bleeds

My eyes burn

My body shivers

I am alone

~

My tears cascade

My cries echo

My empty arms

I am alone

~

My yearning continues

My hope diminishes

My desire dwindles

I am alone

~

My breathe escapes

My memory fades

My frigid skin

I die alone

Navigating the Marsh

The cool night air awakens my sight,

Ahead of me, more than just a fight

The moonlight above illuminates below

The pale, dark hues dance and begin to show.

~

There they are, hiding beneath the mist

Their unholy gazes, I must resist

They snarl their lips, drool oozing forth

Carefully I trek, I have been forewarned.

~

Knee deep in the muck, above I try to stay

Wanting to avoid the conflict, away from the fray.

But the marsh swallows me whole, I can’t get out ~

I reach for something, a hand to bring me about.

~

I find myself staring, squarely on my level

The dark, gleaming eyes - possessed by the devil.

The fear seizes my breathe, I begin to choke.

I can’t get away, my hope has been broke.

~

Looking above for the light to rescue me

All I can find is a dark veil, they won’t let me be.

What are these creatures, who are these beings?

Why must I succomb, why do these demons cling?

~

Their knife like talons, tearing at my heart,

A prize they desire, take it away and tear it apart.

If I value my life, I must fight my way free

If only there was light, I can not see.

~

Without warning, the veil dissipates

The demons recoil, for the light they hate.

Revealing their true desires, their true identity ~

I suddenly realize their distinct frailty.

~

So away foul trolls, demons, and fallen saints ~

I do not fear, my heart, my soul ~ your prey I ain’t.

I continue my odyessey, my hope is renewed.

For I am armed with the truth by the light of the moon

An Open Letter to My Brothers

Below is a posting on my MySpace page (see blog roll). I'm not going to switch or anything crazy, buy my 3 brothers are all myspacers. So, I got a page to start keeping in touch with them. I have really been untying those emotional knots that I tied so long ago, and am to the point to ask for forgiveness to those I hurt, starting with them. I miss them . . .

I sat down tonight with a retrospective look on things. I’ve been doing it a lot lately. As you probably know (or maybe not) I came out. Accepting myself was hard, very hard. For the longest time I didn’t like myself, so I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. Sounds stupid, but the logic was that if no one liked me, then I wouldn’t have to either. Problem was – not a really good way to live, or experience life for that matter. So, here I am, 3:30 in the morning, in Topeka, KS, thinking about you 3 (And yes, I’m sober! I sometimes just can’t sleep.)

First to John & Jeff, I have to say, I’m ashamed to say I don’t know y’all very well. It’s something I’m not proud of by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s safe to say I regret the fact that I allowed my anger and selfishness to affect our relationship. I am very ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I ignored you for so long. To be who you are today – to reach out to me after how I treated you for so many years – truly humbles me. I’m not deserving now, but hopefully one day I can be.

To Jim, why on Earth do you put up with me? The twists and turns that have been our tumultuous relationship have been a bit much. I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. But you do. You’ve dealt with all my crap, all my anger, all my negativity for so long . . . and you still are there for me.

So, guys, I’m sorry. More than you’ll ever know, I am sorry. If I ever hurt you or someone that you love, I’m sorry. I want to make it up, make it all go away, but I can’t. All I can do is let you know that if you’ll let me, I’d like to try to be the brother I should have been so long ago.

I want to listen to what’s going on in your lives. I want to know the struggles you face. I want to learn what you enjoy doing, and what you absolutely despise. I want to get to know you. But most of all, I want you to know that I love you.

Who knows why we do the things we do, or why we make the choices we make. I can only ask that you forgive me for mine.

I’ll end with this – I was thinking of y’all and Dad and this idea popped into my head. I know it’s been awhile, but thank you for waiting for me to figure things out.

“Running”

~

Running from me, running from truth, running to cry.

Anger inside, burning throughout my soul

Hatred at the world, no one can console.

From beneath my heart, the coolness grabs a hold –

Push everything away, no one gets close.

Why are you still there?

~

Running from love, running from hope, running to hide.

No one knows the prison in which I reside –

No one experiences that trauma that I resist –

No one understands my pain, no one recognizes –

No one gets to know, no one gets to reply –

Really, why are you still there?

~

Running from feeling, running from home, running to fly.

From the world, I withdrew – deep into my prison

Without contact, myself, I did not have to envision.

Who I became – it appeared to be a contradiction.

The desires I had – conflicted with my conviction.

No really, why are you still there?

~

Running from acknowledging, running from peace, running to disappear.

I would melt away into this vast land – I retreat

I would exist alone – from life retire

I would hide in shame – angry and resolute

I would ignore all – only to be with my regret

Unbelievably, you are still here . . .

Take care – jj:)