An Open Letter to My Brothers

Below is a posting on my MySpace page (see blog roll). I'm not going to switch or anything crazy, buy my 3 brothers are all myspacers. So, I got a page to start keeping in touch with them. I have really been untying those emotional knots that I tied so long ago, and am to the point to ask for forgiveness to those I hurt, starting with them. I miss them . . .

I sat down tonight with a retrospective look on things. I’ve been doing it a lot lately. As you probably know (or maybe not) I came out. Accepting myself was hard, very hard. For the longest time I didn’t like myself, so I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. Sounds stupid, but the logic was that if no one liked me, then I wouldn’t have to either. Problem was – not a really good way to live, or experience life for that matter. So, here I am, 3:30 in the morning, in Topeka, KS, thinking about you 3 (And yes, I’m sober! I sometimes just can’t sleep.)

First to John & Jeff, I have to say, I’m ashamed to say I don’t know y’all very well. It’s something I’m not proud of by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s safe to say I regret the fact that I allowed my anger and selfishness to affect our relationship. I am very ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I ignored you for so long. To be who you are today – to reach out to me after how I treated you for so many years – truly humbles me. I’m not deserving now, but hopefully one day I can be.

To Jim, why on Earth do you put up with me? The twists and turns that have been our tumultuous relationship have been a bit much. I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. But you do. You’ve dealt with all my crap, all my anger, all my negativity for so long . . . and you still are there for me.

So, guys, I’m sorry. More than you’ll ever know, I am sorry. If I ever hurt you or someone that you love, I’m sorry. I want to make it up, make it all go away, but I can’t. All I can do is let you know that if you’ll let me, I’d like to try to be the brother I should have been so long ago.

I want to listen to what’s going on in your lives. I want to know the struggles you face. I want to learn what you enjoy doing, and what you absolutely despise. I want to get to know you. But most of all, I want you to know that I love you.

Who knows why we do the things we do, or why we make the choices we make. I can only ask that you forgive me for mine.

I’ll end with this – I was thinking of y’all and Dad and this idea popped into my head. I know it’s been awhile, but thank you for waiting for me to figure things out.

“Running”

~

Running from me, running from truth, running to cry.

Anger inside, burning throughout my soul

Hatred at the world, no one can console.

From beneath my heart, the coolness grabs a hold –

Push everything away, no one gets close.

Why are you still there?

~

Running from love, running from hope, running to hide.

No one knows the prison in which I reside –

No one experiences that trauma that I resist –

No one understands my pain, no one recognizes –

No one gets to know, no one gets to reply –

Really, why are you still there?

~

Running from feeling, running from home, running to fly.

From the world, I withdrew – deep into my prison

Without contact, myself, I did not have to envision.

Who I became – it appeared to be a contradiction.

The desires I had – conflicted with my conviction.

No really, why are you still there?

~

Running from acknowledging, running from peace, running to disappear.

I would melt away into this vast land – I retreat

I would exist alone – from life retire

I would hide in shame – angry and resolute

I would ignore all – only to be with my regret

Unbelievably, you are still here . . .

Take care – jj:)