Monday, March 24, 2008

Don't Let a Cat Sneeze on Your Face

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I thought my candidacy needed an animal to represent me, just like the big ol' GOP has a fat elephant and the democrats have an ass. My puppy does a remarkably good job, dontchu think?

Well, although the Democratic race has been nothing short of an absolute nightmare, and the Republican nominee is pandering to the crazy right -- there has been plenty of fodder for the more than ample coverage of the drama unfolding about whozits and saidzits. Now, not that the press hasn't hounded yours truly for input and digging thru my past for some dirt (I promised I'd let the news journalist out of my basement once the election is over and I win. Maybe . . . he looks an awful lot like Anderson Cooper . . .) but I've been able to stay above the fray. How is that you ask?? By following some very sound advice.

I'm a simple man, really. I believe that running for office is also simple -- as I've been able to do it with class and dignity. So, I'm going to offer my peers some really good advice to help clean up their acts.

First, to Miss Hillry I offer this bit of advice -- Get off the cross, it belongs to Jesus. See, Hil, hon . . . you have GOT to stop playing the victim. We get it . . . you're a woman (well, at least biologically). There is absolutely no reason for you to continue to remind us that you are when you speak. Yes, it's going to be historic whomever gets the nomination -- but stop with the "I'm a minority too" add on you keep throwing out there. We're looking for a commander in chief and leader of our nation, not a "Yeah, and what he said!" retorts. Martyrs are only worshipped because they're killed -- and last I checked there isn't a butt load of Jews and Romans wanting to nail you to a board . . . in fact I don't think there's a man alive that wants to nail you right now. That's okay though . . . you live in Washington so there's a ton of dildos there.

On to Johnny boy, I offer this pearl of wisdom -- Your karaoke, bad. Your chance of winning, worse. I'm not sure what was going thru your head when you decided to rwrite the lyrics to a classic Beach Boys song and serenade a room full of war mongerers on bombing Iran, but honey -- you were sooooo off key! If that performance would have been on Idol, Randy would have sucked air in thru his teeth and told you "Dawg, that didn't really do it for me. Paula would have commented on how cute you looked tonight (which we ALL know means it sucked - Paula just is trying to find something to say nice). Simon would have said it was "Dreadful." You didn't win the Republican nomination because you are the best - you won it because everyone knows that because of 8 years of "W" a money would beat a GOP candidate. So, you are your party's Sanjeya --- the clue should have been that your biggest challenge came from a Mormon. Like someone who believes that American Indians are really lost Jewish tribes from ancient Israel is a viable candidate in national politics. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Look at the bright side -- you can be the next Al Gore and wander around talking about how you know everything.

Finally, to Barack, who right now needs it the most, I offer this personal advice - Don't sneeze with a cat on your face. Really -- no lie -- this just happened to me. And it hurts like the dickens too! I have 4 scratches by my left eye and two on my chin. What's that?? You don't think you've done the same thing?? Reeeeeeeeally? Your squeaky clean image has been marred by the revelation (and luke warm defense of) the controversial Rev. Wright. Honey, please . . . don't feed into your competitions' hands by lying about it. That's like me saying the scratches on my face were from a bar fight (well not exactly - some queen has tried to scratch my eyes out before). The point is you can't have someone that close to you that is that inflammatory and then be all shocked when you get hurt by that contact. Kinda like I can't really be that pissed that I let my cat snuggle against my face and then when I sneezed, I got scratched. Don't worry hon, a little neosporin on those wounds of yours and it'll heal right up.

Well, now that I've done my good deed for the month . . . I need to go feed that journalist, I mean pet.

(This message has been approved by Joe Joe for the Joe Joe for President 2008, Treasurer needed)