Being Real

So, I woke up this morning and read the poem I posted, "My Icy Heart" . . . and it kind of disturbed me. It read like a suicide note almost. Usually when I get tired, I tap into some raw emotion, but that raw emotion scared me a bit. I felt it important ot explain this a little . . . (Jeff, is this too real??)

I was talking with my friend at work, and he began asking if I was happy. I am, on the surface. He knows that . . . and worries about me. He really is a kind soul . . . but he kept digging. He brought up how he knows I am lonely, and want to be with someone. He knows I spend a lot of time alone, and he wants me to get out more. Well, that immediately upset me, and got me a bit emotional. Something I never do at work . . . he realized he pushed too much, and was truly sorry. The point is, he's right. In part of my life, I'm miserable. Absolutely, 100%, miserable.

Everyone I know, for the most part, is with someone. My good friends Darin & David, basically all of my online friends, most everyone at work . . . damn . . . everyone. Here I sit in the middle of Kansas, alone. Yes, I have friends I can call, that I can go over to visit, chat with online, whatever. I love each and everyone of them dearly, and wouldn't trade them for the world. However, I want to love someone. I want to share with them parts of my soul that I've never given to anyone else. I want to be in love.

Everyone then challenges to go out, meet people. And here lies the problem . . . while I'm a vibrant personality around those I know, I'm a wall flower around strangers. I hate to be in a crowd of people . . . I get nervous, almost overly anxious when I am. I have huge trust issues, I always think people I don't really know are talking about me or hate me, etc. Yes, it's paranoia at it's worst, but it's me. I put up some pretty big walls, and no one has ever been able to break through all of them.

It's almost a self preservation mode . . . if no one gets all the way in, I won't get hurt. I won't be judged, and I won't get rejected. I know I'm not what we would call "hot" by any stretch of the imagination (please, no 'yes you are' replies . . . I'm being real here!). That's not what I'm looking for in a man, and don't want him to look for it either. I want someone that is inspired by my thoughts, my writing, my mind. I want to be stimulated intellectually and emotionally first. I want to debate, discuss, share, and just fall asleep in his arms.

Finally, I hate sex. I know why, and I'll tell you since we're being real . . . sex was forced upon me at age 6. Those memories are very much ingrained into my head. The feeling of dirty, ashamed, confusion, guilt . . . my innocence was gone. When I experience it now, it still surfaces. It still is there. I haven't been able to shake that yet. How will someone understand that? It's such an integral part of a healthy, romantic relationship and yet I hate it. It's such a conundrum . . . I have a man's mind and a man's desires, yet right after I hate the fact that I did it.

Who wants to help sort through all this? There are so many others that don't present these issues . . . and truth be told I'm too scared to offer the chance.

I tell people that my biggest fear is of being alone. However, that's not true. My biggest fear is that I'll open myself up, and be rejected. I choose to be alone so I don't have to be rejected.

This is what has made "My Icy Heart."

My heart bleeds

My eyes burn

My body shivers

I am alone

~

My tears cascade

My cries echo

My empty arms

I am alone

~

My yearning continues

My hope diminishes

My desire dwindles

I am alone

~

My breathe escapes

My memory fades

My frigid skin

I die alone