Finding My Way

I've been asked often why I moved to Topeka, KS. By family members, friends from Texas, people at work, even friends here. I never could come up with an answer.

I didn't know anyone that lived here. I'd lived my whole life in Texas, and all but 4 years within 100 miles of Ft. Worth. So, while working at the Target DC in Tyler, TX - word came down that they were opening a new center in Midlothian. I jumped at the chance to move back.

That's when things took a bizarre twist - that I think only now I'm beginning to understand. I walked into my HR manager's office in Tyler and sat down. I said, "Fred" (because that was his name) "I think I'd rather go to Topeka then Midlothian." He kind of paused and looked at me and said - "really?" (because that's what people say when they think you're a bit off your rocker) "Yeah, I really do." Fred kind of looked puzzled and asked "Why?" And as clear as a crystal I said "It just feels like what I'm supposed to do."

It's funny, but it seems like my whole life I've been preparing for what is about to happen to me. I've been through the ringer emotionally as a child and young adult - but I've come through. Patience and perseverance has truly kept my feet grounded. When you least expect it - you hear your calling. You hear (not as in I'm having auditory hallucinations or anything -- but I can't think of another verb) what it was that your life was meant for. I'm very lucky that I heard. It's like I couldn't embark on what is about to happen without first going through what I did - because it has made me who I am - both the good and the bad.

So again -- why was I drawn to this place -- this ice cold frigid place (it's 3 degrees outside right now!)?? Simply put -- to finally heal. My mental state has never been stronger. I still have my mood swings (can't blame a girl for a bit of emotion), but all in all it's steady sailing. I rediscovered my faith. MCC Topeka (my church home!!! holler!!) has been a blessing I never knew I would want or need. I felt as if God called me home - even though as I look back I realized I never really left. I developed stronger relationships with my family (in TEXAS!). It's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I met my kindred spirit - my bff - who loves me in spite of all my flaws and crazy antics - someone who is there for me when I've need to be picked up, dusted off, and (sometimes) given a lollipop and told to go back out and play.

What's ahead on this path I walk? A new career awaits - that I know. Second semester of Pschology has gone very well -- waiting on one more test grade and that will determine whether I get a 3.5 or my first collegiate 4.0. My professors have already said they see a good therapist in me . . . There are many more adventures that await up the road, and time will reveal those to me.

So - the reflection is due to this being the day before I take the GRE. I am already planning on taking it again, so no concerns if it doesn't go super well this time around. I need to get a 1200 . . . that's about 80 pts higher than I've gotten on a practice one - but those are paper based and I'm doing a computer one, so the harder questions are weighted more if you get them right but less if you don't -- so 1200 is possible.

In closing - I leave a thought and a poem. My thought is take time to listen when no one is speaking, when no one is singing, when no one is there. You might be surprised at what you hear Him say.

"Finding My Way"

The air was bitter cold that morning.

The sun was no where to be seen,

and as I shook the frost from my eyes,

I could see nothing. Just blackness -

A blackness that engulfed all.

Try as I could to find my way,

the obstacles were to great.

And there I stood, motionless,

Unable to defend from the evil lurking

in the onyx veil surrounding me.

I lost my way.

I looked to the heavens and realized,

hope was not to be abandoned.

For the sky was turning just a hint of blue.

The faint light was the signal I was waiting for.

Looking to the heavens,

I was able to find a break in the thorns

in the bushes that ripped at my face,

tore my clothes, and ravaged me.

I followed the heavens, walking where I could see the stars.

I found a path that I knew would lead me,

to where I would not be lost.

As I looked down the snow covered path,

The first light of the sun kissed my face.

Warming my skin, thawing my soul.

The path in front, although not clear, was illuminated.

I needed to just take a step,

One step to help myself,

One more step to help others.

Two more steps to love myself,

Four more to love someone else.

Heading towards the light I realize,

I am finding my way . . .

Finally Here

The wind blew quite briskly, tossing my hair and some various papers about. It was welcomed, what with the warming of the sun on my skin needing a reprieve from the heat. Even in February, the Texas sun can be warm. Sitting on the deck in back, I absorb it all.

The strong breeze blowing through several wind chimes that my stepmother has hung in the back yard. The gentle notes breaking through the sound fo rustling leaves and dried up foliage from the winter. Growing in the yard is the first blooms of the wildflowers that will become so abundant by the end of March. Dad will want to treat the yard soon. As in so many marriages, the yard is his domain, the home is hers.

I sip some juice - Cran-Grape actually. The tartness on my tongue awakens, almost invigorates me. I love tart flavors. My enjoyment of the nature is broken by the meowing of Buddy, the ol' gray cat that calls the back yard his home. My stepmom wanted a fat cat, and Buddy fit the bill. He eats Kit and Kaboodle, mainly b/c she was told it'd fatten him up. He jumps up on the chair next to me as if to look over my shoulder and read. In reality, he just wants me to pet him.

Quickly, however, and without much warning, Buddy is gone. I notice why - a wayward bluejay has made it's way to the dried up wysteria bush in the back corner of the yard. Buddy is off to make a kill. Poor tubby, doesn't realize that his girth doesn't work well with his killer inside. I love the back yard. It's kind of an escape for me.

Reflecting, which I've done a lot of over the past few weeks, I realize that I'm on the last step. My stepmom and I were talking the night before last when I got home, and it was about everything coming up and what was going on. As my conversations tend to do, we drift in and out on a various assortment of topics. Then she asks how I'm doing.

"I'm scared." I tell her. "But not of the surgery. I'm not so much scared about that. I'm scared about awaits me." See, I've spent the better part of the last seven years of my life unwinding what was in my head. I've seen how low I can go, and how bad it is down there. But I had to walk down that path, and battle those demons. It's consumed so much of my life for so long. It's scary to look down the path that you've worked so hard to go down, and realize you're almost at the end. I never thought I'd get here.

Being the planner that I am, I had planned out everything I was going to do.

1. Move away from all influences. Get a clean slate. (hence, Topeka KS)
2. Find a REALLY good shrink/therapist. Work on the abuse issues.
3. Get off the meds when you can. Try to get to the point where you don't need to take them anymore (that was 2007)
4. Work on accepting yourself. I knew that once I liked who I was, then others would as well. No one likes to be around people that aren't happy with who they are. (Out in '07 -- I should make that into a shirt :)
5. Reconnect with my Dad. That's a whole other blog entry, but it's one of the things I'm most proud of.
6. Do something, anything about your weight. (i.e. LapBand in 5 days!!!)

I know, not a lot of steps, but not an easy to do list either. But I wanted to get here. And what is "here?" you may ask. Here is healing. Here is at peace. Here is a point where my past will no longer control my future. I'm scared, but not afraid. I'm ready to find the next path. I'm just ready to find the next path of my life, one that takes me into a different level, a different spot. I have really great friends, and a really great family. Maybe scared isn't even the right word, maybe it's excited. I don't know . . . mainly b/c I've never felt it before.

Here is now . . . and it's where I want to be.