Whew . . . what a week it was for me. I know everyone goes down this journey at one point or another, and I'm on it now. The following is a bit personal, and a bit drama, but it's what I'm dealing with. Just lettin' ya know in case you want to skip on by. I'm using this blog as a journal, and sometimes it's raw, honest, and emotion laden. This is probably one of those times.
As stated in a previous blog, I came out to my mother the other day. For most, this is a big step in accepting themselves and being happy with who they are. For me, it's also very treacherous. My mother is still married to the man that sexually abused me while I was growing up. Without going into too many details, I've dealt with a majority of those issues. I have worked to process the anger and pain, and am moving past that.
Part of my healing was accepting that even though he did this to me, and even though my mother knew the eventual truth, she still chose to stay with him. That is her choice. I have to respect that. My choice, however, is that I don't want him in my life, at all. I don't want to communicate with him, talk with him, nothing. For obvious reasons, it's a really powerful trigger to memories that I don't want to revisit anymore.
Not only have I struggled with my sexuality, I also struggled with putting the past in perspective. So, while coming out to my mother, I reiterate that to her. I just let her know that I understand that he is part of your life, but that I need her to respect my boundaries and not bring him into my life. I don't want to talk to him, about him, or communicate with him. I'm fine not going to the family gatherings since he'll be there. It's okay. I'll survive.
Problem is she still forces the issue. She tries to tell me how sorry he is and how he wants forgiveness, etc. I have forgiven him, I just don't want him as part of my life. He did something to me that was so destructive and so hurtful, that cut me to my core. I'm not asking her to relate or understand, just to respect the boundary and understand I need that to continue to heal.
Well the latest issue is that she forwarded an email to me from him. I didn't need to see it. It says nothing I haven't already heard from him or been told. He's sorry, he wants forgiveness, he wants to be part of my life. I don't want him as part of my life!!! I don't want the man that did those things to me to be around me anymore!!! Is that unreasonable??? Should I be made to feel guilty because of that???
Any comments are appreciated, and if you read this, thanks for listening. I know it'll get better but things are still emotionally raw right now.