Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Just Venting

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Whew . . . what a week it was for me. I know everyone goes down this journey at one point or another, and I'm on it now. The following is a bit personal, and a bit drama, but it's what I'm dealing with. Just lettin' ya know in case you want to skip on by. I'm using this blog as a journal, and sometimes it's raw, honest, and emotion laden. This is probably one of those times.

As stated in a previous blog, I came out to my mother the other day. For most, this is a big step in accepting themselves and being happy with who they are. For me, it's also very treacherous. My mother is still married to the man that sexually abused me while I was growing up. Without going into too many details, I've dealt with a majority of those issues. I have worked to process the anger and pain, and am moving past that.

Part of my healing was accepting that even though he did this to me, and even though my mother knew the eventual truth, she still chose to stay with him. That is her choice. I have to respect that. My choice, however, is that I don't want him in my life, at all. I don't want to communicate with him, talk with him, nothing. For obvious reasons, it's a really powerful trigger to memories that I don't want to revisit anymore.

Not only have I struggled with my sexuality, I also struggled with putting the past in perspective. So, while coming out to my mother, I reiterate that to her. I just let her know that I understand that he is part of your life, but that I need her to respect my boundaries and not bring him into my life. I don't want to talk to him, about him, or communicate with him. I'm fine not going to the family gatherings since he'll be there. It's okay. I'll survive.

Problem is she still forces the issue. She tries to tell me how sorry he is and how he wants forgiveness, etc. I have forgiven him, I just don't want him as part of my life. He did something to me that was so destructive and so hurtful, that cut me to my core. I'm not asking her to relate or understand, just to respect the boundary and understand I need that to continue to heal.

Well the latest issue is that she forwarded an email to me from him. I didn't need to see it. It says nothing I haven't already heard from him or been told. He's sorry, he wants forgiveness, he wants to be part of my life. I don't want him as part of my life!!! I don't want the man that did those things to me to be around me anymore!!! Is that unreasonable??? Should I be made to feel guilty because of that???


Any comments are appreciated, and if you read this, thanks for listening. I know it'll get better but things are still emotionally raw right now.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Hula Hoops

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Well . . . I got some advice from some friends, and that was to follow my own advice.

My advice that I was giving was telling a friend not to worry how other people would react because you can't control their reactions. You can only control how you react. I call this the Hula Hoop Principle. Imagine a hula hoop around you. You control everything in the hula hoop, but not outside of it. You can influence outside of your hula hoop, but not conrol it. So don't worry about what's outside of it. Control what's inside of your hula hoop, and you'll be much happier. (It works great for us admitted conrol freaks!)

She was engaged and broke it off with her finace'. They had grown apart (they don't even live in the same state) and it was just over. About a month later, she now has a new boyfriend she is crazy about. Which is kudos for her! However, she is worried about what people will think/feel about her. She doesn't want to be judged. I told her that she controls how she lets them know about her new boyfriend. She can't control how they react to it, and to not worry about it. Only worry about what she can control. I reminded her that she knows she made the right call for both her and her finace' by ending the relationship. I also told her that he would date others as well. Someone always is first in finding the new person, and in this case it was her. She smiled and agreed that I was right (why wouldn't I be?) and that she felt better. Yeah me! I'm an awesome friend, helped someone with an issue, and am filling quite chipper with myself.

I'm out to my friends and some people at work, but no to my family. I haven't come out to my family for a mulitude of reasons, but mainly because I was worried about how they would react. I didn't want to deal with it. So, I avoided it. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm tired of pretending to be what my family wants me to be, and am no longer going to compromise my happiness to do so. I feel that a lot of gay men and women reach this point. Some of us are just in the remedial course . . . :) Well, I'm at that point. So, I was really worried about how the whole situation was going to unfold and what was going to happen, and my friend from the above paragraph was being my concerned ear. She smiled ever so slightly and said to me without batting and eye, "Follow your own advice."

"What?" I asked. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Again, a smile. "Where's your hula hoop?"

Shut the damn door! She's right. Nothing else I can say. So I did it. I'm out. Looks like I found my hula hoop.

Hugz! :)