Why Write?

“Why Write?”

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How do you purge the demon from your soul?

The one that makes you cringe at the sight –

It tears at your heart, encompasses your life,

It’s the one that everyday you must fight.

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I’ve hidden every memory, under lock and key.

Trying to pretend that it never happened to me.

But then when I least expected to think –

back came everything, taking me to the brink.

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I’ve stuffed everything I could down my throat,

trying to bury it deep, deep down in my soul.

But the only thing that this accomplished was simple,

I have more than my cheeks with “cute” little dimples.

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I’ve sliced my own skin, watcing it bleed.

Watching the crimson run, he did not take heed.

Instead of that foul demon from me departed,

I’m left with several hundred healed scars.

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I’ve taken so many pills, one’s own head would spin

altering mood, altering feeling, altering all that is within.

I’ve discussed what happened, I hit every step ~

All I have to show is my very full medicine cabinet.

~

How do you purge the demon from your soul?

The one that makes you cringe at the sight –

I haven’t really been able to figure this one out,

So, in the end, all I know to do is write . . .

Hey Dubya! I'm Talking to YOU!!

I turn on the news last night because I can’t sleep. I start to hear the psycho babble of “Christians” declaring how “secular” America is, and how we don’t want God in our lives and in or schools. The degradation of American society is by the “Liberal Secularists” who are forcing their beliefs down our throats. (Hmmmm . . . need to find the remote so I can change the channel.) And before I can hit the clicker, the old crusty Pee-Paw on CNN suddently blurts out “The decline in the belief in God and the breakdown of traditional American values is due in large part to prevalence of homosexuality in our culture.”

Are you for real with this shit?? REALLY?? The “prevalence” of homosexuality in our culture is the reason people don’t believe in God? What God are you referring to? Has the thought ever crossed their minds that America isn’t rejecting God at all, but rather THEIR INTERPRETATION of God?? Their version of God kinda overlooks the 10 commandments, of which the Christian, Muslim, and Jewish faiths build their faiths around. Some examples . . . WELL . . .

How about #3, you know, the one where you’re not supposed to use the Lord’s name in vain?? How many conservatives exclaim “God Damnit!” for no reason??

And there’s #4 . . . keeping the Sabbath Holy. Know anyone that works on their faith’s Sabbath?? I do . . .

Then there’s #7 Adultery is bad, #8 Don’t Steal, #9 Don’t lie . . . hmmmmmmm . . . getting the picture here??

There are whole chapters about the 10 commandments. There’s tons and tons and tons of books about how these 10 commandments have shaped our moral structures, our belief systems, and our lives for that matter. These 10 commandments are the foundation of every major monotheistic religion in the world. Even though are entire belief system and structure is founded on these 10 laws, it’s okay to break them if you feel bad later.

But don’t be Gay. Because THAT would be the reason America is turning away from God. Not because those of us beating our bibles and screaming at the top of our lungs are breaking these basic laws that line the foundation of our faiths. It’s the Gay people . . .

HEY PEE-PAW – FUCK YOU!!!!!

Let me break this down for ya in two simple points . . . cause obviously rational thought might give him a heart attack . . . and the “Christian” Right for that matter . . .

Point #1 ~ All love flows from God. Therefore, all love is Divine. DEAL WITH IT!

Point #2 ~ Just because you don’t understand it does not mean it’s evil.

Damn that pissed me off . . .

Being Real

So, I woke up this morning and read the poem I posted, "My Icy Heart" . . . and it kind of disturbed me. It read like a suicide note almost. Usually when I get tired, I tap into some raw emotion, but that raw emotion scared me a bit. I felt it important ot explain this a little . . . (Jeff, is this too real??)

I was talking with my friend at work, and he began asking if I was happy. I am, on the surface. He knows that . . . and worries about me. He really is a kind soul . . . but he kept digging. He brought up how he knows I am lonely, and want to be with someone. He knows I spend a lot of time alone, and he wants me to get out more. Well, that immediately upset me, and got me a bit emotional. Something I never do at work . . . he realized he pushed too much, and was truly sorry. The point is, he's right. In part of my life, I'm miserable. Absolutely, 100%, miserable.

Everyone I know, for the most part, is with someone. My good friends Darin & David, basically all of my online friends, most everyone at work . . . damn . . . everyone. Here I sit in the middle of Kansas, alone. Yes, I have friends I can call, that I can go over to visit, chat with online, whatever. I love each and everyone of them dearly, and wouldn't trade them for the world. However, I want to love someone. I want to share with them parts of my soul that I've never given to anyone else. I want to be in love.

Everyone then challenges to go out, meet people. And here lies the problem . . . while I'm a vibrant personality around those I know, I'm a wall flower around strangers. I hate to be in a crowd of people . . . I get nervous, almost overly anxious when I am. I have huge trust issues, I always think people I don't really know are talking about me or hate me, etc. Yes, it's paranoia at it's worst, but it's me. I put up some pretty big walls, and no one has ever been able to break through all of them.

It's almost a self preservation mode . . . if no one gets all the way in, I won't get hurt. I won't be judged, and I won't get rejected. I know I'm not what we would call "hot" by any stretch of the imagination (please, no 'yes you are' replies . . . I'm being real here!). That's not what I'm looking for in a man, and don't want him to look for it either. I want someone that is inspired by my thoughts, my writing, my mind. I want to be stimulated intellectually and emotionally first. I want to debate, discuss, share, and just fall asleep in his arms.

Finally, I hate sex. I know why, and I'll tell you since we're being real . . . sex was forced upon me at age 6. Those memories are very much ingrained into my head. The feeling of dirty, ashamed, confusion, guilt . . . my innocence was gone. When I experience it now, it still surfaces. It still is there. I haven't been able to shake that yet. How will someone understand that? It's such an integral part of a healthy, romantic relationship and yet I hate it. It's such a conundrum . . . I have a man's mind and a man's desires, yet right after I hate the fact that I did it.

Who wants to help sort through all this? There are so many others that don't present these issues . . . and truth be told I'm too scared to offer the chance.

I tell people that my biggest fear is of being alone. However, that's not true. My biggest fear is that I'll open myself up, and be rejected. I choose to be alone so I don't have to be rejected.

This is what has made "My Icy Heart."

My heart bleeds

My eyes burn

My body shivers

I am alone

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My tears cascade

My cries echo

My empty arms

I am alone

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My yearning continues

My hope diminishes

My desire dwindles

I am alone

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My breathe escapes

My memory fades

My frigid skin

I die alone