To Mr. Whomever You Will Be . . .

Okay, so I say I hate Valentine's Day . . . I don't hate it.  I don't like it either.  For me it's just another day.  It's like last Tuesday, or the following Thursday.  It really has never held a special meaning for me.  Partly because, well, I haven't had a valentine in a long, long time.  I had so much going on upstairs, I really didn't have a chance to find someone. 

So, I'm looking.  Not desperatly seeking, or crazily, but just looking . . . and to Mr. Whomever You Will Be, I just want you to know, I'm just me . . .

“Just Me”

I can’t compete with the sexy young thing,
Strutting across the dance floor, showing is bling.
He’s hot, he’s a dream,
He haunts all the men’s memories.
I’m a bit shy, stand off by the side.
I don’t like everyone to know me, sometimes I hide.
But with you my hips begin to move
And the beat infects me, I start to groove.
I don’t know what will be,
I only know I’m not him, I’m just me.

I can’t outshine the drag queen on stage,
Swinging her hips, acting half her age.
She’s sassy, she’s crass,
She lets you slap her ass.
I move slowly, even though I want to go fast.
Take every step deliberately, I want it to last.
I’ll admit, deep within, a closet freak resides,
I just don’t know how to unleash it from inside.
My desires are welling, my heart is free,
I can only say I’m not her, I’m just me.

I can’t eclipse the furry bear
Flexing his muscles, wearing his leather.
He’s manly, he’s strong,
His desire burns hard and long.
I am a work in progress, it takes time.
I struggle at times to keep my eye on the prize.
I will try to fulfill your fantasies, your desires,
I can only promise to try to keep ablaze the fire.
My love burns strong, could that make you happy?
I promise you I’m not any of them, I’m just me.

Sorry, I'm Falling

I know I said it would never happen again, it’s not like I planned this out. You are sitting there looking at me tapping your foot and looking at me over the rim of your glasses like this was some sort of planned event. As if somehow, some way, this was all MY doing.

Seriously?? What control did I have? I was merely walking through the doors that were open. I can’t predict what’s up the road. I’m not freaking Ms. Cleo or anything. You can’t be mad about this forever you know . . . you just can’t.

Look – what did you EXPECT me to do? Explain that to me. What am I supposed to do when I’m faced with a situation like this? I did what you wanted for awhile, and neither of us were happy, at all . . . and now you get all mad because I decide to try something different?

Don’t blame me for wanting to be happy. And don’t act like I’m not aware of what all the risks are here. I know what they are, well some of them anyway. I still remember the pain from last time. It was a long time ago, but I remember. You’re not the only one.

So here’s the deal. I’m doing this. I’m gonna jump. I’m fully aware that there is no net. You want to jump with me, your choice. But I’m not sitting this one out. I’m not going to follow the same path over and over and expect things to change. That’s insanity . . .

I’m falling.

A Love Game

Hey all . . . I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, but had a lot going on lately. I thought about how to share all of the adventure and such, and well . . . I just thought the fantastic Lady Gaga could help me out.

“Bad Romance”
I want your love, and I want your revenge, I want your love, I don’t want to be friends . . .
I want your loving, I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance. I want your loving, and all your lover’s revenge, you and me could write a bad romance.

Someone explain to me how I always, ALWAYS end up in the dreaded “friend zone”. Just once I’d like to meet someone that is as in to me as I’m in to him . . . but then again, that’s the challenge isn’t it? What’s hard about it all is that he’s a really great guy that is honest and fun to be around. Not to mention we always have a blast when we hang together . . . oh well . . . there’s always time, right?? 

“Beautiful, Dirty, Rich”
We got it made like ice cream topped with honey, but we got no money! Daddy, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry yeah! We just like to party yeah, like to party yeah!

The trip to New Orleans and Dallas was FANTASTIC!!! Literally one of the best vacations I’ve ever, ever had. I can’t believe how much fun was crammed into 7 days. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! It might have been too much since as soon as I got back, I got the flu. But it was still all worth it. I’ve got 804 pics to prove it too . . . Those aren’t getting posted though . . . 

“Paparazzi”
I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa . . . Paparazzi . . . Baby there’s no other superstar you know that I’ll be your . . . Papa . . . Paparazzi . . . Baby I promise I’ll be kind, but I won’t stop until the boy is mine. Baby you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me . . .

Is there anything wrong with hope? I’m struggling with trying to be realistic and the hopeless romantic that I am. Part of me thinks that he’s really does just want to be my friend (cuz that’s what he tells me) and then there’s that secret side of me that wants to believe he’s hiding how he feels. I know it’s silly to think that because there’s nothing there that leads to that conclusion, so definitely am probably just setting myself up on this . . . but can’t help it.

“Lovegame”
I wanna kiss you. But if I do I might miss you babe. It’s complicated and stupid, got my ass squeezed by sexy Cupid. Guess he wants to play, wants to play, a love game, a love game.

Gracie said to me the other day something that has resonated with me for awhile. She said that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. It’s so true . . . the fact that I want to meet someone and have a relationship – and that I’m actively trying – is quite a change. I’m not known for patience (and neither is she) so that’s the hard part for me at this point. Just wondering when it will finally happen . . . Cupid needs to lay off for a bit.

“Poker Face”
A little gambling is fun when you’re with me, I love it! Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun, and baby when it’s love if it’s not rough it isn’t fun, fun.

I have to be careful right now. As I truly branch out and try to figure out who I am, I have to remember to stay true to myself. I’ve already been in a few situations that were a bit more than I expected . . . once in New Orleans and once in KC . . . and I have to be confident in who I am, what I want, and that I don’t need to settle. Dating is a lot like holding a revolver to your head, spinning the barrel, and pulling the trigger . . . really . . .

“Telephone”
Stop callin’, stop callin’, I don’t wanna think anymore. I left my head and my heart on the dance floor. Stop callin’, stop callin’, I don’t wanna talk anymore. I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.

An interesting twist that happened recently is that I was told I was too skinny to date. WTF?? That was a new twist for me . . . Evidently this guy who had approached me thought I was handsome, but not near big enough. Shame, b/c he was very cute, but I’m NOT about to gain (or lose) weight for anyone . . . this is just for me – it’s about being healthy. Which btw . . . I’m up to 174 lbs lost (woo hoo!)

“Boys Boys Boys”
Baby is a bad boy with some retro sneakers, let’s go see the Killer’s and make out in the bleachers. I like you a lot lot, think you’re really hot hot. Let’s go to the party heard our buddy is the DJ, don’t forget my lipstick I left it in your ashtray.

I swear more has been going on than me trying to find someone to date!!! It’s just a new facet in my life. School is going well, work is well . . . work . . . and I’m still in a great place mentally. I’ve totally stolen an idea from Gracie and I’ve started making accessories . . . but unlike her I’m not selling them, but rather keeping them to add to MY wardrobe.

“Just Dance”
Just dance, it’ll be okay. Just Dance, that record babe. Just Dance, it’ll be okay. Dance, Dance, Dance, Jus t Dance.

Life goes on. And I’m not gonna retreat at all . . . I’m glad I’m living it to the fullest and want to continue to do so. So, like Gaga says . . . “Just Dance , it’ll be okay!”

Poem: Inside

“Inside”

You’ve shared your pain
Let me know what it’s like when it rains.
You’ve put out that you’re unsure,
That you don’t want to hurt.
You said you tend to push away,
That you aren’t sure what you want this day.
But I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve seen the love you have inside.

You’ve shared your desires,
What makes the flame burn deep inside.
You’ve put out exactly what you chase,
You said that to me not to make haste,
From the wall, step outside,
I don’t know why you continue to hide.
But I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve seen the warmth you have inside.

You’ve shared your kind heart,
Shown every facet, even the dark parts.
You’ve put out that you like to repair,
The things that need a little bit of care.
Look at your soul, and help it mend
It's worth the time that you need to spend.
And I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve fallen for the light you have inside.

Bring on Year Two

Year one is officially in the books. Year two is off to a bang – how quickly things roll by. You turn around and just the amount of change that can take place in a life is sometimes a bit overwhelming. There are many theories out there about personality and such, and I won’t delve into them now – mainly b/c I’m not versed enough yet – but there is one that talks about every 10 years or so you have a transition in your life, and that transition can be quite big.

Welcome to my transition . . .

The quick, and obvious changes, are of course the external. In one year I’ve lost 165 pounds. I had a goal of getting under 300 by 2/26, and was off just by two days. Two days into my second year, the scale read 299. Next goal is 250 by August – that’s 49 pounds. I’m in a wedding out in San Diego and it’d be cool to be that small by the time the pics are taken. My health is in a good transition.

Also external – my career. For over 10 years, I’ve been an executive at Target working in their Distribution Centers. I’ve loved it – great company, better people, and they really take care of ya. However, it’s no longer my calling. My passion is to help people – maybe through their transitions – who knows. What I do know is that studying for psychology, although challenging at times, has been to date rather rewarding as well. I’ve learned more about myself and human interactions than I thought I would up to this point. The challenge has been daunting this semester – Taking half of a course load and working full time. But the bottom line is that I’m going to transition my career . . . another good transition.

Now one that’s not so obvious – unless you really, really know me. I’ve opened my heart, and am taking a risk. I’ve fallen for someone. I took down my walls and let someone in. I’m so scared about it, but am loving every minute of it. The polar opposites of emotion can sometimes be overwhelming – but that dichotomy of feeling by experiencing all that it has to offer has truly touched my soul. I’m not going to be so scared to love that I don’t ever try – I’ve got to Make It Happen if it’s going to. God only provides the opportunity, you have to walk through and seize the chance. We are learning together, how to take the walls down and trust each other. Yeah, my emotional health is in transition . . . for the better.

So, year one changed a lot, and it looks like Bob’s (or my lab band) second year is going to be just as full of twists and turns. Kinda like the rollercoasters that a certain someone and I are going to ride this summer . . . hold on tight kids – it’s going to be one helluva ride!

Oh – and the boa?? Yeah, I had to wear it to my surprise celebration my bff Gracie and Eric through for me . . . yeah it was a freaking BLAST!!

Pretty Face

Well, this is a bit of an unexpected surprise. Originally, I was just going to post the poem I finally have hashed out from a line I wrote down while walking on campus (and I still did, it’s below this brief entry), but on the way home I decided that I’d shave off my goatee. So I did. And something a bit unexpected happened . . .

I like the face I saw that was looking back at me. Kind of cool . . . See, about 4 years ago, I grew my goatee to hide my double (okay, quadruple) chin. Everytime I decided to shave it off, I would look in the mirror and shudder. I hated the site of my big ol’ face and all those chins, so I promptly grew it right back. What’s funny, is that most people here in Topeka know me WITH the facial hair, yet most of the people in Texas know me without it. Dilemma . . . (Side Note – Gracie is partial to the goatee, but not for the reason I cited for growing it. She just likes it on me.)

So, in a way, like so many things in my life, I was hiding behind that goatee. Well, I’m not anymore . . . I think I’m going to attempt to stay clean shaven for awhile . . . This is getting interesting . . .

Here’s that poem that came from the line “Beauty fades, Love remains” that I jotted down while walking from class . . .

“Love Remains”

I know you saw it,
I saw it too.
Strutting on by,
Turning every eye in the room.
Following the steps,
Following the bounce,
Hypnotized by the creation,
The conquest,
The challenge.
Hard to remember,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know you lost your breath,
I lost mine too.
The gentle touch
Unleashing lightening thru skin.
Yearning for the look,
Yearning for more,
Infatuated with the possibility
The experience
The night.
Hard to understand,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know your body trembled,
Mine trembled too.
The gentle touch of a kiss
Blurring judgment and animal lust
Craving the satisfaction
Craving the desire
Focused on only one thing,
Only on one need,
One act.
Hard to recall,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know your heart is alone,
Mine is too.
No loving embrace
Welcoming the dawn of another day.
Hiding from the risk
Hiding from the pain
Missed a true chance
A true experience
A true love.
Only now remembering
Beauty will fade,
And only those with love will remain.

Poem: Flower Petals

Click the image for a full size view. I call it a "picture poem"

A Poem: Dichotomy

“Dichotomy”

It’s not just naughty.
It’s a chance to give a piece of your spirit,
your essence, a piece of your core.
You share something hidden in the depths of your heart
something so pure, so pristine, so perfect,
It’s not just naughty.
~
It’s not just nice.
It’s a chance to unleash the beast within,
your primal instinct, a basic desire.
You engage in activities that stimulate your sensations
something so exciting, so exhilarating, so exhausting.
It’s not just nice.
~
The touch, the bond, the insatiable quest –
The sweat, the passion, the emotion –
The two shades of your heart, the dichotomy of your spirit –
something that touches your faith and your lust -
Complex, confusing, complicated, compounding –

It’s not just naughty, it’s not just nice.

A Poem: Damaged Heart

Look into these tear dried eyes.

Do you see the scars behind them?

Is the hopeless dispair of lonliness

outshining the promise of life that burns

deep down inside?

I've shed the last tear in pain

over the last bit of drama brought to my door.

There is nothing left to grieve,

nothing left to cry.

Who will wipe these dry eyes?

Now that the tears are gone . . .

Hold onto this weary hand.

Can you feel the weakness within?

Can you tell that it doesn't cling

to what it knows will quickly leave

as it came?

Releasing with my grip, my nemesis, my defeat,

They no longer walk with me in the night.

There is nothing more to grasp for

blindly in the dark, misguided.

Who will take this tired hand?

Now that the strength is gone . . .

Love this broken heart.

Do you feel the pieces tearing my chest apart?

Is there a moment that passes

that every ripping beat shredding all hope

can not be heard?

It's been smashed and effectively trashed, shredded.

Slowly, with patience and perseverence,

I've collected the small pieces

and mended what I could.

Who will love this damaged heart?

Now that the strife is gone . . .

Love Hurts - Musically

Okay - so I have a burning question that needs to be answered . . . is it morbid that most of my favorite love songs aren't positive happy tunes?? I mean - what is that all about??

Here's the deal -- I'm working on putting together a pre-reception playlist for Gracie's wedding in October (yeah, I am a bit ahead, but I am kind of a planner). So - I'm sifting through all the songs I have, and I've realized that all of my faves - for the most part - are more about heartache than love.

I know why this is - but it still catches me off guard. Obviously, we are all more drawn to music that touches are souls or that we can relate to. Yes (insert tragic violin music) I can identify more with the pain of love than the joy of it. Kinda bites!

Please, no "it'll be alright" type comments. I'm not down about it and I'll meet the right guy some day. I'm sure he'll be buff, smart, rich, and want to tour Europe for a month too -- but that's not what this is about. It's just about identifying with music. I just found it odd that my favorite love songs are not so "lovey" -- which is making it a bit of a challenge in filling the playlist. Please feel free to suggest any . . . I'm open!

Oh - for the curious - here are my favorite love songs:

• "Patience" by Take That - about not rushing into love because my heart is still healing from a broken heart
• "Come Back to Me" by David Cook - a rocker version of the I'll let you go and see if you will come back
• "The Rose" by Bette Midler - not totally negative, but not totally positive either . . .
• "Yesterday" by Leona Lewis - not that I don't love "Bleeding Love," b/c I do, but this is much less played and just as beautiful. Basically the future can be taken away, but I can remember the past.
• "I Stay in Love" by Mariah Carey - can not get this song out of my head! About staying in love with someone that treats you like crap . . . morbid I know!
• "One Night" by The Corrs - about just getting one night for the person you love
• "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt - didn't know that Bruce Hornsby plays piano/keyboard on this 'til the other day
• "Can't Stop Loving You" by Phil Collins - still in love with the person that's leaving you
• "Melt Away" by Mariah Carey - a positive one!! There's hope!! Grace says it reminds her of middle school though (b/c she IS that young! I hate her!!) I want to dance with someone to this song . . .

Anyway . . . I heart Love songs . . . just tend to lean to the heartache ones right now . . . but one day I hope to lean towards the other :)

Peace out for now! jj:)

Life in HD

Ever notice how sometimes life just comes at you all at once?? Not in a bad, or good way . . . it's just clear. It's been awhile since life has come at me in HD, but right now, my life is in HD. I feel like I can see where it's great, and where it needs work. It's kinda neat. Kinda like watching live events in HD -- sometimes it freaking awesome, and sometimes a bit scary.

My niece answered the phone when I called my brother, and wanted to know if I was gonna spend the night. It made me smile a bit, since I hadn't had anyone ask if I was gonna spend the night in a long, long time. She was so excited to learn that Ragan would be coming with me, and that I would indeed spend the night at my brother's house. My family is coming in loud and clear -- they miss me and love me. Can't wait to move back closer to home (2010 hopefully!!!).

My television is actually now in HD, finally. Yes, I had a flat screen tv for awhile, but just never saw the need to get that dvr thing. My friends had it and I always watched shows over there. My favorite show, the closer, I could watch on dvd when it comes out, and there isn't much else that I watch. Well, 2 new shows are out (Leverage and Trust Me, ironically both on TNT with the Closer) and I just had to get a dvr. So -- now my tv is clear.

My bff Grace (yes, we have joe & grace shirts!!) is getting married in October. Everytime we talk, it gets a little more real. We've planned to do dress shopping, tux shopping, center piece planning, etc. over the course of the next few months. I've got to work on invites, programs, and place cards. And now we're leaning towards doing a playlist CD as a favor for the guests of the wedding. A way for them to share their gratitude with their families and friends. I'm so happy for her, and for him too! They are so in love -- and that is clear to me too. Love is still out there for me, and it will find me just like it found Gracie.

Finally, the holidays are clear to me too. It's cold (like single digits!) and the hustle and bustle, even in these times, is in the air. Many, like me, are buying less and buying bargains, but it's still holidays. All that's left for me is to wrap presents and put 'em in the back of the car. :) It's Christams time in the city . . . clearly . . .

So, I'm a fan of life in HD -- I like seeing everything clearly. Hopefully, you are seeing the positives, as well as the challenges, in HD too.

I leave you with a sneak peak at the playlist for the wedding CD -- like everything we do -- it will change -- but that's part of the fun!

Ain't No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Your Song - Elton John
Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk
(She's) Some Kind of Wonderful - Huey Lewis & the News
The Greatest - Michelle Williams
The Way - Clay Aiken
Everything - Michael Buble'
I'd Wait for Life - Take That
Love is Strange - Mickey & Sylvia
You're the One That I Want - John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John
Angels - Robbie Williams
Will You Marry Me? - Paula Abdul
Rule the World - Take That
Realize - Colbie Caillat
I'll Be Loving You Long Time - Mariah Carey
Save the Last Dance - Michael Buble'
2 Hearts - Kylie Minogue
Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton

Marry you??

So, Newsweek's cover story is about gay marriage. Here's the link to the article if you haven't read it: http://www.newsweek.com/id/172653

The article does well in arguing for gay marriage. I liked the author's use of the Bible and using interpretations that are not just her own, but that of several theologists as well. I think what's interesting however, is that she touches on what I truly believe is the main issue of the arguement against gay marriage but doesn't really explore it. The uncomfortablility (is that a word?) of understanding gay sex, specifically among men.

I've always believed that the main issue isn't actually a religious based arguement, but rather a lack of understanding. For some reason, in our society, sex between women has always been considered okay (and in some cases, hot -- by straight men no less). Since men have always been in control (until recent history) - the societal pressures that have created our norms and customs were developed by heterosexual men. Many of our practices and beliefs were in part, designed to help keep those in power, in power.

Now I don't believe that keeping gay men down in some way is part of a huge power struggle or conspiracy . . . I just believe that it challenges what people have been taught to believe. In turn, if the belief that gay marriage is wrong is shown to be what it is -- poppycock -- then what else in that canon of beliefs is also incorrect?? This fear is what drives the fanaticism of those on the side of anti-gay marriage.

The arguement that marriage is holy or sactioned by God is just an arguement that is easy to defend. If you disagree, you don't believe in God . . . therefore . . . no one should listen or trust you. Yeah -- I'm from the South -- I get the arguement. It's not true, but it's hard to fight because of the stigma that is assigned to you if you disagree with it. It's all about power, and being reistance to change.

I'm not a fan of saying Gay is the new Black -- b/c every struggle is unique and different. However, those that opposed equal rights among Blacks are pretty much the same ones that oppose gay marriage. That, in turn, says an awful lot. It tells us the path we will take, and ultimately how this will play out. I would like to think that in my lifetime it will no longer matter if you are gay or straight. I just don't know . . .

The bottom line with this post for me is that our country is changing. I think the best thing that could of happened is that Prop 8 in California passed. Now, the debate is rising, law suits are challenging, and ultimately - our country will learn to accept. They don't have to understand, just remember -- all love is divine.



----------------
Now playing: Mika - Any Other World
via FoxyTunes

Open . . . a poem for Gracie

Ever have one of those friends that is very concerned about how others perceive them? Not in a clingy way, but just wanting to know your opinion about things? Gracie is one of my friends. She's sweet, intelligent, fiercely witty, and pretty. She just broke off a 2 year relationship that was heading for the alter, and has quickly gotten involved with someone else. I know, I know, the first thought is REBOUND . . . but my challenge to that is -- so what?!

Who cares if she's rebounding . . . because she just might find that she's absolutely crazy about him. He's VERY smitten with her, and treats her like a princess. She worries that she is like another person we know and tease about her relationship. I tell her not to worry, and just enjoy what she has. If it ends, well, we'll be there to pick her up. I just want her to enjoy the chance she has to be loved by someone.

“Open”

Open your eyes to this chance of yours

to celebrate one of life’s lil’ adventures.

For someone to give themselves to you,

so completely, so utterly selfless and true,

My dear, don’t run away, but towards life.

My sweet, sweet friend, open your eyes.

~

Open your arms to the emotion and passion

enjoy all of it’s worth, even if it’s not lasting.

Maybe it’s too intense; maybe it’s too sudden,

so what if it’s too serious, so what if it’s abrupt?

Submit to your desires, to his charms,

My sweet, sweet friend, open your arms.

~

Open your mind to all the possibilities

that the path you’re on is leading you swiftly.

We’ll catch you if you trip, hold you if you fall.

Your fears, your hesitation, abandon them all.

Allow yourself to become intertwined,

My sweet, sweet friend, open your mind.

~

Open your heart to what is yet to be

to the happiness, to the pain, to the experience

No one said it would be perfect, or kind –

but without the risk, alone you would pine.

Love is asking you to play your part,

so my sweet, sweet friend, open your heart.