Man in the Mirror

Man is it dusty on this thing . . . I just realized I hadn't blogged in like . . . um . . . I don't know, FOREVER!  My sis-in-law Vicki commented on it awhile back and basically chalked it up to a few things, I was happy, busy, and always on the go . . . and I think she was right.

But I miss the journaling, and dang it -- why can't I blog if I'm happy??  So here it goes . . .

Last night, for the first time in my adult life, along with my bff Gracie, I bought a full length mirror.  I know, doesn't sound all that impressive of a purchase, until you reflect on the journey I've been on the past few years.

I had never, ever, ever, wanted to see myself full body . . . and for good reason.  It meant I didn't have to deal with the weight I put on and how it looked.  However . . . those days are gone.  Lots of hard work and a few surgeries later (lap band in Feb '09, and an extended abdominoplasty in Aug '10), and I'm a 190 lbs lighter and a WHOLE lot thinner.

I like what I see in the mirror -- not because I'm super thin -- and not because I'm vain (shut up Gracie! lol) -- but because I see a happy, healthy, excited me.  I did one of the hardest things in my life, I made a change -- a pretty big one.  I will say this much -- and it definitely comes from experience -- If you're not happy about something, look at the person in the mirror.  Because THAT is the only person that can make it better.

(Had to disable comments b/c I was getting comment spam out the ying yang -- but since everyone is on fb anyway . . . just comment there if you'd like - thx jj)

Sorry, I'm Falling

I know I said it would never happen again, it’s not like I planned this out. You are sitting there looking at me tapping your foot and looking at me over the rim of your glasses like this was some sort of planned event. As if somehow, some way, this was all MY doing.

Seriously?? What control did I have? I was merely walking through the doors that were open. I can’t predict what’s up the road. I’m not freaking Ms. Cleo or anything. You can’t be mad about this forever you know . . . you just can’t.

Look – what did you EXPECT me to do? Explain that to me. What am I supposed to do when I’m faced with a situation like this? I did what you wanted for awhile, and neither of us were happy, at all . . . and now you get all mad because I decide to try something different?

Don’t blame me for wanting to be happy. And don’t act like I’m not aware of what all the risks are here. I know what they are, well some of them anyway. I still remember the pain from last time. It was a long time ago, but I remember. You’re not the only one.

So here’s the deal. I’m doing this. I’m gonna jump. I’m fully aware that there is no net. You want to jump with me, your choice. But I’m not sitting this one out. I’m not going to follow the same path over and over and expect things to change. That’s insanity . . .

I’m falling.

My New Year's Resolution

I realized something today that I didn’t quite have my hands around. It sounds a bit weird, but don’t judge. You have to walk in someone else’s shoes to get it sometimes. I don’t know how to be happy. It doesn’t mean that I have never been happy, or felt happy, but for the first time in a long, long time – I’m actually happy. It really weirds me out – I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and it is totally stressing me out.

I don’t trust that life can be this good. And believe me . . . it’s really, REALLY good. With all the changes going on this year, my outlook and attitude was bound to change . . . but this whole “happy” thing is new. I have had so many people over the past few months (and at home last weekend) comment on how happy I am. People never really used words like happy, content, satisfied, at peace, etc. when describing me. They do now . . . spooky . . .

So – if you haven’t been following (and so I can remind myself) here’s the year in a quick run down . . .

January – after being told that it’d take six months to get approval for lapband surgery, it’s approved in two weeks
February – 26th of Feb – last step of reclaiming my life back – I get my band
March/April – recoop at home and get to spend some time with the family – it was awesome!
May – decide to go back to school to become a Therapist – apply at Washburn University
June – Take my first college course, get an A! Intro to Psych in the books – loved it!
August – I’ve lost 100 lbs! Seriously!!! 10 days shy of six months!!! WHAT???
September – Off and running on my first semester back in school – juggling work and school is quite a challenge but am enjoying it
October – My BFF ties the knot in a beautiful ceremony AND my newest niece, McKenzie Grace is born.
November – Just taking a deep breath. School is almost over and weight loss is good.
December – Ready for this?? Got my first collegiate 4.0, Got a 1230 on my GRE (needed a 1200), went on a FANTASTIC date, met someone who is at the very least a great friend and hopefully wants to be more, got to hold my niece for the first time, saw my family the weekend before Christmas, AND – I can buy clothes off the rack!! I wear XXL shirts now (in most brands) instead of a 7XB (which means 7XL cut really big for my belly). I’m smaller than when I MOVED to Kansas 5 years ago . . .

This all hit me last night while at Christmas Eve service. I am so incredibly humbled by the blessings I’ve received this year, and it’s just so much to take in. I don’t know how to handle it . . . I keep looking over my shoulder.

So – my New Year’s Resolution – and I’m really going to do this – is to just sit back and enjoy life for what it is. I’m going to stop looking around for the bad coming, and instead enjoy the good.

Damn, I’m such a drama queen . . .

My Best Week Ever

What's up kids??

Yes, the title says it all -- I officially think this past week definitely qualifies as my BEST WEEK EVER. I want to know right now where VH1 is and why they aren't talking about me. Seriously . . . who wouldn't want to talk about me?? Let's go through the week and I'll explain why this really had to have been, literally, the best week ever.

It starts on Saturday, 12/5/09. A random lunch turns into an evening in Kansas City that will always be remembered. All I'm gonna say is that there was dancing, good music, great company, and fireflies in the stomach. We didn't even get back to Topeka until 6 in the freaking morning!! And remind me not to EVER drink rum again (and no I didn't drive) . . .

Monday, 12/7/09 - Statistics final. Can you say NERVE RACKING?? I'm currently sitting on a 91 in the class, and it's the only class that I don't have an "A" locked up. While I've always been quite studious -- I'd never pulled off the mythical 4.0 in college. This was as close as I've ever been to it. So, with studying behind me and nerves all bundled up -- I took the test. Mind you my other 2 test grades in the course were an 89 and an 82 (thank goodness for homework!). I felt very confident walking out of the test that I did pretty good.

Tuesday, 12/8/09 - Studying for GRE. The highest I'd gotten on any practice exam was an 1120 (ironically, what I got on my SATs EONS ago . . . ). My Abnormal Psych prof (side note -- love her!) told me to get flashcards to help with the vocab thing so that's what I bought to focus on.

Wednesday, 12/9/09 -- YES!!! I got a 92 on my STAT FINAL!!!! First ever collegiate 4.0 is in the books!!

Friday, 12/11/09 -- Woke up and went to work out. Got on the scale and it reflects that I'd lost 142 lbs! DAMN!!! Talk about a confidence boost. Run into a good friend that I hadn't been able to catch up with at Panera while having my pre-GRE breakfast and got to catch up. He's getting married!!! YAY!!! I then head to the mall to do some retail therapy (aka Christmas shopping) to calm my nerves and I get the sweetest text telling me to relax, I'm gonna do well, and to remember "Footprints in the Sand" . . . Three sets . . . It was what I needed. I walked out with a 1230 and was in utter disbelief! This is the first time that I actually realized that I'm going to be a psychologist. I'm going to be able to help people thru what I've gone thru. It was all a bit overwhelming to be honest. To top off the evening . . . went out and celebrated and had another great time. Again . . . must remember to not drink rum . . .

Saturday, 12/12/09 -- My house is officially clean. I'll do a whole seperate entry for this later, but in a nutshell I was a hoarder. If you don't know what that is there is a show on A&E that does a great job at dipicting it. It's pretty rough to get thru -- and harder to clean up from. I'd been working on the house all weekend and was able to get it completely cleaned up. I can't even describe what a fantastic feeling it is to FINALLY be over and done with that . . . Now it's just working on building the habit strength to prevent it again.

Sunday, 12/13/09 -- Was asked to do a reading with my good friend and Lap Band buddy Annette at church. We are kindred spirits, and I was touched that we were asked to do it together. She's my sweetie! Later that day, Gracie came over to my house for the first time. That was awesome to have my bff come over and be able to see my home without the shame or embarrassment of it being all messy and gross.

Monday, 12/14/09 -- After working out and weighing myself -- I'm now down 144 lbs!!! Are you kidding me??? Gracie said that I'd be at 150 by the new year and I didn't believe her . . . but damn I'm getting close now!!

Whew . . . it's all I can do to just drink my Starbucks and not run around screaming at the top of my lungs right now . . . I'm so thankful for this past week . . . and while I know they won't all measure up to what took place, I look forward to them all with anticipation.

Happy Christmas! (I love the British for that phrase!)

5 Weeks After: Six Inches

Everyone get your mind out of the gutter . . .

So, haven't gone to weigh in a while, mainly b/c I've been kinda busy. Work was a bit of a mess when I got back, but that's to be expected since I was out for so long. Not in a bad way, just had to catch up on stuff.

I was thinking about weighing, but held off. Mainly because of how I lose weight. My body is dropping the weight in small jolts -- not really a smooth process. I'm sure everyone is like that, which is why they tell me not to weigh more than once every 2 weeks. What I've found is that I'll lose weight, then my weight will remain steady and I'll lose inches. Never really both at the same time though . . . which is kinda weird, but I'm okay with it.

So - as you might have guessed by now (unless your mind is still in the gutter, which I think is hilarious btw) I've lost 6 inches on my waist line. Kind of caught me off guard because it was quite sudden, like this past week. Last weekend I tried on a pair of shorts that were smaller and I just couldn't get them all the way on (like up on my waist). Today - I'm wearing them comfortably while at Starbucks blogging about it . . . Kinda cool . . .

I went into my basement last weekend and went through all of the smaller sizes I have to see what still I can wear now, and I practically have a new wardrobe. I know the weight loss will slow down to a more gradual level - it has too b/c I don't think my body can keep up - but it's really neat to be doing this.

The neatest thing that has happened to date was at work yesterday. Two people were walking towards me (from quite a bit of distance away) and when I got to them they stopped me. One of them said that they commented on the fact that I am looking really good right now. The other one said, "Yeah, and he's happy too." Looking good is nice, but being truly content and happy is the best thing ever . . .