Ain't About the Money

So, this whole grad school thing is a bit scary but really exciting too.  Some MAJOR life changes have taken place in a quick time that honestly, I just haven't processed yet.  No more house (good thing), no more job (good thing), no steady income (not a good thing), and lots of reading (not a good thing, but will be!).

What I'm pondering is "why?" -- and actually I'm not, but some of my acquaintences are.  I say acquatinences b/c those that I'm friends with know me and know why.  But I wanted to explain why, in this economy (so hate that phrase!) I chose to quit a very good job and start on this adventure.

I can sum it all up in three words -- FOUND MY PASSION.  I feel very lucky and blessed to have discovered what motivates and excites me, and it's learning about human behavior, mental health, and all that is tied up with it.  I get excited at the thought of learning about this -- and practicing it.  I find it odd that people have the tendency to offer me their advice on what I'm doing -- especially now that I'm doing it...

Yes I know it's a long haul for my doctorate (like 7 - 8 years)
Yes I know I'm going to want to pull my hair out at times
Yes I know I won't be able to make tons of money
Yes I know it's going to be a huge challenge

I'm not motivated by money or ease though, not anymore.  If one day, down the line somewhere, in my research or in my practice or maybe even in a book I publish I can help one person, one individual, then all of this is worth it.  And that, my acquaintences, is why I'm doing this.  It's not for the Benjamin's...

Ethically Speaking, of course . . .

So, ethics is an interesting proposition. On one hand it’s a code of conduct that is established to help guide a professional through the steps of their life. On the other hand, if rules were never broken, then certain practices that are abhorrent by today’s standards would still be in use. It’s an interesting paradox . . .

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic for the past few weeks. One of the biggest traps that face psychologists (therapists, or really any professional that works closely with another person), is the issue of transference. Transference is when the person seeking the help places their feelings onto the person helping them instead of the one that the feelings belong to. Now, often times, this is a necessary evil for the therapist to get the client to work through some issues (in fact, it’s a cornerstone of psychoanalysis).

The danger lies in the often not talked about “counter-transference” . . . when the therapist projects their feelings back on the client. That’s a line that one NEVER wants to cross. Interestingly enough, there are many professions that also have counter-transference dangers . . . one’s you might not have even thought of . . .

Some that come to mind are teachers, professors, preachers, policeman, doctors, counselors, social workers, prison guards, nurses . . . almost any profession where someone has “power” over someone else, however you define that power.

I’ve now been faced with this “counter-transference” issue three times in my life. Someone with intimate knowledge tries to take a relationship to a level that it shouldn’t be. It’s a bit rattling when someone that is supposed to be a trusted individual crosses the line. I know they are human, and they don’t mean to step over the line, but the reality is that when they do, there’s no going back. That relationship can’t really be healed. You can’t have such intimate, personal knowledge of an individual, violate their trust, and then expect it all to return to normal. It’s just not the way it works.

Sad, really. But as I continue down this journey, I too must be vigilant and watch out for the dangers of “counter-transference” . . . one shouldn’t cruise the population they are helping.

My New Year's Resolution

I realized something today that I didn’t quite have my hands around. It sounds a bit weird, but don’t judge. You have to walk in someone else’s shoes to get it sometimes. I don’t know how to be happy. It doesn’t mean that I have never been happy, or felt happy, but for the first time in a long, long time – I’m actually happy. It really weirds me out – I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and it is totally stressing me out.

I don’t trust that life can be this good. And believe me . . . it’s really, REALLY good. With all the changes going on this year, my outlook and attitude was bound to change . . . but this whole “happy” thing is new. I have had so many people over the past few months (and at home last weekend) comment on how happy I am. People never really used words like happy, content, satisfied, at peace, etc. when describing me. They do now . . . spooky . . .

So – if you haven’t been following (and so I can remind myself) here’s the year in a quick run down . . .

January – after being told that it’d take six months to get approval for lapband surgery, it’s approved in two weeks
February – 26th of Feb – last step of reclaiming my life back – I get my band
March/April – recoop at home and get to spend some time with the family – it was awesome!
May – decide to go back to school to become a Therapist – apply at Washburn University
June – Take my first college course, get an A! Intro to Psych in the books – loved it!
August – I’ve lost 100 lbs! Seriously!!! 10 days shy of six months!!! WHAT???
September – Off and running on my first semester back in school – juggling work and school is quite a challenge but am enjoying it
October – My BFF ties the knot in a beautiful ceremony AND my newest niece, McKenzie Grace is born.
November – Just taking a deep breath. School is almost over and weight loss is good.
December – Ready for this?? Got my first collegiate 4.0, Got a 1230 on my GRE (needed a 1200), went on a FANTASTIC date, met someone who is at the very least a great friend and hopefully wants to be more, got to hold my niece for the first time, saw my family the weekend before Christmas, AND – I can buy clothes off the rack!! I wear XXL shirts now (in most brands) instead of a 7XB (which means 7XL cut really big for my belly). I’m smaller than when I MOVED to Kansas 5 years ago . . .

This all hit me last night while at Christmas Eve service. I am so incredibly humbled by the blessings I’ve received this year, and it’s just so much to take in. I don’t know how to handle it . . . I keep looking over my shoulder.

So – my New Year’s Resolution – and I’m really going to do this – is to just sit back and enjoy life for what it is. I’m going to stop looking around for the bad coming, and instead enjoy the good.

Damn, I’m such a drama queen . . .

Finding My Way

I've been asked often why I moved to Topeka, KS. By family members, friends from Texas, people at work, even friends here. I never could come up with an answer.

I didn't know anyone that lived here. I'd lived my whole life in Texas, and all but 4 years within 100 miles of Ft. Worth. So, while working at the Target DC in Tyler, TX - word came down that they were opening a new center in Midlothian. I jumped at the chance to move back.

That's when things took a bizarre twist - that I think only now I'm beginning to understand. I walked into my HR manager's office in Tyler and sat down. I said, "Fred" (because that was his name) "I think I'd rather go to Topeka then Midlothian." He kind of paused and looked at me and said - "really?" (because that's what people say when they think you're a bit off your rocker) "Yeah, I really do." Fred kind of looked puzzled and asked "Why?" And as clear as a crystal I said "It just feels like what I'm supposed to do."

It's funny, but it seems like my whole life I've been preparing for what is about to happen to me. I've been through the ringer emotionally as a child and young adult - but I've come through. Patience and perseverance has truly kept my feet grounded. When you least expect it - you hear your calling. You hear (not as in I'm having auditory hallucinations or anything -- but I can't think of another verb) what it was that your life was meant for. I'm very lucky that I heard. It's like I couldn't embark on what is about to happen without first going through what I did - because it has made me who I am - both the good and the bad.

So again -- why was I drawn to this place -- this ice cold frigid place (it's 3 degrees outside right now!)?? Simply put -- to finally heal. My mental state has never been stronger. I still have my mood swings (can't blame a girl for a bit of emotion), but all in all it's steady sailing. I rediscovered my faith. MCC Topeka (my church home!!! holler!!) has been a blessing I never knew I would want or need. I felt as if God called me home - even though as I look back I realized I never really left. I developed stronger relationships with my family (in TEXAS!). It's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I met my kindred spirit - my bff - who loves me in spite of all my flaws and crazy antics - someone who is there for me when I've need to be picked up, dusted off, and (sometimes) given a lollipop and told to go back out and play.

What's ahead on this path I walk? A new career awaits - that I know. Second semester of Pschology has gone very well -- waiting on one more test grade and that will determine whether I get a 3.5 or my first collegiate 4.0. My professors have already said they see a good therapist in me . . . There are many more adventures that await up the road, and time will reveal those to me.

So - the reflection is due to this being the day before I take the GRE. I am already planning on taking it again, so no concerns if it doesn't go super well this time around. I need to get a 1200 . . . that's about 80 pts higher than I've gotten on a practice one - but those are paper based and I'm doing a computer one, so the harder questions are weighted more if you get them right but less if you don't -- so 1200 is possible.

In closing - I leave a thought and a poem. My thought is take time to listen when no one is speaking, when no one is singing, when no one is there. You might be surprised at what you hear Him say.

"Finding My Way"

The air was bitter cold that morning.

The sun was no where to be seen,

and as I shook the frost from my eyes,

I could see nothing. Just blackness -

A blackness that engulfed all.

Try as I could to find my way,

the obstacles were to great.

And there I stood, motionless,

Unable to defend from the evil lurking

in the onyx veil surrounding me.

I lost my way.

I looked to the heavens and realized,

hope was not to be abandoned.

For the sky was turning just a hint of blue.

The faint light was the signal I was waiting for.

Looking to the heavens,

I was able to find a break in the thorns

in the bushes that ripped at my face,

tore my clothes, and ravaged me.

I followed the heavens, walking where I could see the stars.

I found a path that I knew would lead me,

to where I would not be lost.

As I looked down the snow covered path,

The first light of the sun kissed my face.

Warming my skin, thawing my soul.

The path in front, although not clear, was illuminated.

I needed to just take a step,

One step to help myself,

One more step to help others.

Two more steps to love myself,

Four more to love someone else.

Heading towards the light I realize,

I am finding my way . . .

A Taste of Success

Who doesn't love icecream?? I mean really - what's not to love?? Sugar, Milk, Flavor, Yummy goodness, Creamy . . . yeah, anyway - this is NOT about ice cream and how it made me sick the other day . . .

So, Wednesday I will register for courses, and then I'll officially become an undergrad student pursuing a Bachelor's (and eventually a Master's) in Psychology at Washburn University here in Topeka, KS. After much self reflecting and soul searching, I've heard a calling and have answered. I believe that I can help those that are struggling with the decision to have bariatric surgery, and more importantly help them deal with the issues that got them to this point.

At church this past Sunday (where I am now a member incidentally) I met a wonderful woman, we'll call her Xena (b/c I don't know if she'd want her name on here). It came to my attention that someone in the church was considering having a lap band. And since I had one, they wondered if I'd be willing to talk to her about my experiences and insights. Of course I said yes! Those of you that know me know that I am open book on this experience, as it has already completely changed my life!

So Xena and I chatted about the surgery itself, what I went through, where she's at in her journey to getting the band, commented on how precious her grand daughter is (she truly is), etc. We shared a lot, and I pray that the hope and joy I have come to experience from this procedure I was able to communicate to her. We laughed, shared phone #'s/emails, hugged, and parted ways.

That's when it hit me -- THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! I'm going to help people that have had some tough experiences in life, and I will help them not only survive them, but be able to thrive. I get to help them slay their own demons, as I did mine. It's humbling, and motivating at the same time. It motivates me to continue to follow the program (btw - I'm up to 45 lbs lost in case you missed the counter change!!!) and to really focus on my upcoming degree endeavors. I don't want to become a psychologist quickly, I want to be a damn good one.

I've said before I'm not a big believer in fate. But I do believe in paths crossing for a reason, and I believe that we all affect each other and change each other a little as we pass through our lives. Xena did more for me than I did for her. I hope to repay the favor one day. God indeed works in mysterious, but wondrous ways. Good luck hon!!! I can't wait to find out your surgery date!!!


"Cocoon"

So long I've toiled, in my cocoon.
Building walls to stand against the elements,
to stand the threats of hunters,
to stand against the world.
Safely I'm bundled inside.

Slowly working, becoming more than I am.
Looking around, I must tear them all down.
The walls that protect now bind,
that heal not hurt.
Suffocatingly I'm bundled inside.

Tearing at the fibers, hopelessly fighting to get free.
A prisoner in my own shield,
Unable to cast it aside.
The only existence I've known.
Tragically I'm bundled inside.

Breaking through to the outside, my wings spread wide.
The armor prison falling down by my side,
The world around, not at all how I left it.
So full of hope, so full of life,
My soul no longer bundled inside.

Killing Time - Random Updates

If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's waiting. Guess it's a product of being a Gen-Xer -- instant gratification is such a necessity sometimes. Or maybe it's that I'm worried my ADD will kick in and I'll forget what I'm waiting for. Or maybe it's the excitement piece of wanting to move forward from where I'm at. Or it's that I have to leave for work soon and need to get this done. Or . . . (see - it's the ADD)

Seriously, I'm just chillin' waiting for 1pm so I can call the psychology department at Washburn to set up a meeting with an academic advisor to get my schedule set and then register for classes for this coming summer session and Fall 2009. It's kind of weird, but I'm going to be classified as a Freshmen again :) Of course, I'll be moving MUCH faster through those designations than my peers will be - since I only need a few classes to progress from each classification. In 2 years time ~ give or take a semester ~ I should be graduating with a Bachelor's in Psychology from Washburn University. Then comes one of the biggest decisions in my life - stay here to get my Master's or move back to Texas. I know where my heart is, but this decision has to be made with my mind. So - no rushing that . . .

Working out is going rather well. I've gone everyday since I joined the gym, and have enjoyed it a lot - suprisingly. I walk for 30 minutes or so at an incline and do some light dumbell work and resistance training to tone muscles. Last night, I started working on my "core" which is a nice way to say my big belly! That's a bit sore from last night :) Good news is that instead of dreading the gym, I actually look forward to it. I didn't sleep well the night before last so it was hard to really get into my workout yesterday, so I will really push myself tonight after work. Don't wanna fall off the wagon there . . .

Finally finished the redesign of my own website - http://www.joejoesdesigns.com/. I've been so busy with work, getting into school, and helping others with their websites and other design favors, that I just kept putting this off. I'm very happy with the outcome, a bit cleaner I think. Feel free to let me know what you think. Also keep in mind I would gladly help create a gift for you for someone - you just have to pay for the item (it's a hobby so don't charge - just like the challenge). Recently, I did a t-shirt for a good friend of mine that is going to Egypt for a year and he wanted a tee for his troops (he's in the Guard).

Have completely fallen in love with the Metropolitan Community Church of Topeka. It's such an open and welcoming congregation - they even gave me a coffee mug the first time I visited! I'm taking membership classes this Saturday to become a member of the church. I've ignored my spirituality for far too long, and am excited to reconnect. You know I am open with beliefs and don't want to push mine on anyone, just sharing here. For me, I seem to be on a journey that I can truly feel God's love - I really feel that I'm finally on the path he wants me to be.

So - other than major career change, going back to school, web design, working out, and joining a church I don't have much going on :) It's so strange to even see that list - I really am enjoying life again! Can't wait to get back home . . .

Anyway . . . killing time waiting for 1pm. Don't remember why but I'm waiting for 1 . . . ;)