I've been struggling with this for awhile now. I didn't really know how to get what is floating around in my head out. In the end, after the tears and contemplation, it boils down to writing it out. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that I can get it out by writing.
I don't know if this will make sense, so forgive me up front. I am processing some pretty complicated emotions, and was a bit unexpected really. I sit here and I'm scared. I'm not scared of the surgery (well, I am -- but not like this), not scared of the diet changes, or even starting new exercise programs and such.
I'm scared because I feel exposed. I feel like when I lose my weight, I'll be exposing myself to everyone. It's very uncomfortable feeling. I never thought of eating as a way to protect myself, but it was. When the memories came back, I was very startled by them. I didn't know what the hell was going on. So I retreated into food. It removed so many complexities of life for me. I didn't have to date, didn't have to meet people, didn't have to really do anything. I just ate.
The problem with the above behavior (besides my weight) is that on the social skills I tend to struggle. Well -- let's be specific. Once the ball is rolling I'm good, but getting the ball rolling (i.e. meeting new people) is like having to push a boulder the size of The Empire State Building up a glacier, while it's raining. I suck at it -- too the point where I avoid it. I'm not going to be able to do that anymore. I'm purposefully (and for good reason) losing my protective shell.
I have no idea if this makes any sense, or if it even will to anyone but me. I just needed to get it out. I was told this is a very normal feeling for people that have had similar experiences in their childhood and are about to get a lap band (or other weight loss surgery). I didn't realize food was such a vice for so many people, but I guess I should of in some way.
Anyway -- just some deep thoughts I needed to get out of my head. I'm going to do this, my health needs me to. I want to, in so many ways. I just want to get that one part of me that is scared shitless to calm down.
Take care all ~ thanx for reading (listening) :)
jj:)
I disagree with the way you view yourself. I don't think that shell is as thick as you like to think. You are a great person with a magnetic personality. For example you were the DJ at both of my receptions and did a great job of getting total strangers involved. As for not wanting to be exposed, you don't have to. You don't have to go out and meet people. If you go out people will want to meet you. Just don't stop being Joe Joe and people will gravitate to you.
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