Finally Here

The wind blew quite briskly, tossing my hair and some various papers about. It was welcomed, what with the warming of the sun on my skin needing a reprieve from the heat. Even in February, the Texas sun can be warm. Sitting on the deck in back, I absorb it all.

The strong breeze blowing through several wind chimes that my stepmother has hung in the back yard. The gentle notes breaking through the sound fo rustling leaves and dried up foliage from the winter. Growing in the yard is the first blooms of the wildflowers that will become so abundant by the end of March. Dad will want to treat the yard soon. As in so many marriages, the yard is his domain, the home is hers.

I sip some juice - Cran-Grape actually. The tartness on my tongue awakens, almost invigorates me. I love tart flavors. My enjoyment of the nature is broken by the meowing of Buddy, the ol' gray cat that calls the back yard his home. My stepmom wanted a fat cat, and Buddy fit the bill. He eats Kit and Kaboodle, mainly b/c she was told it'd fatten him up. He jumps up on the chair next to me as if to look over my shoulder and read. In reality, he just wants me to pet him.

Quickly, however, and without much warning, Buddy is gone. I notice why - a wayward bluejay has made it's way to the dried up wysteria bush in the back corner of the yard. Buddy is off to make a kill. Poor tubby, doesn't realize that his girth doesn't work well with his killer inside. I love the back yard. It's kind of an escape for me.

Reflecting, which I've done a lot of over the past few weeks, I realize that I'm on the last step. My stepmom and I were talking the night before last when I got home, and it was about everything coming up and what was going on. As my conversations tend to do, we drift in and out on a various assortment of topics. Then she asks how I'm doing.

"I'm scared." I tell her. "But not of the surgery. I'm not so much scared about that. I'm scared about awaits me." See, I've spent the better part of the last seven years of my life unwinding what was in my head. I've seen how low I can go, and how bad it is down there. But I had to walk down that path, and battle those demons. It's consumed so much of my life for so long. It's scary to look down the path that you've worked so hard to go down, and realize you're almost at the end. I never thought I'd get here.

Being the planner that I am, I had planned out everything I was going to do.

1. Move away from all influences. Get a clean slate. (hence, Topeka KS)
2. Find a REALLY good shrink/therapist. Work on the abuse issues.
3. Get off the meds when you can. Try to get to the point where you don't need to take them anymore (that was 2007)
4. Work on accepting yourself. I knew that once I liked who I was, then others would as well. No one likes to be around people that aren't happy with who they are. (Out in '07 -- I should make that into a shirt :)
5. Reconnect with my Dad. That's a whole other blog entry, but it's one of the things I'm most proud of.
6. Do something, anything about your weight. (i.e. LapBand in 5 days!!!)

I know, not a lot of steps, but not an easy to do list either. But I wanted to get here. And what is "here?" you may ask. Here is healing. Here is at peace. Here is a point where my past will no longer control my future. I'm scared, but not afraid. I'm ready to find the next path. I'm just ready to find the next path of my life, one that takes me into a different level, a different spot. I have really great friends, and a really great family. Maybe scared isn't even the right word, maybe it's excited. I don't know . . . mainly b/c I've never felt it before.

Here is now . . . and it's where I want to be.