Slippery When Wet

I was going to call this entry "My Fuckin' Kidney Hurts", but I figured that would be a bit offensive to others . . . oh wait . . . ahhh, fuck it. :)

So -- here's the deal. Wednesday afternoon I was taking a shower and as I attempted to do a double back hand spring with a roundhouse dismount out of my tub (doesn't everyone??) I fell. Now, I don't know how you fall -- but when I fall it seems to take awhile. It's kind of like all the sudden I'm in one of the Matrix movies and everything slows down. You could probably see the water drops flying while I plummeted. Needless to say I missed my dismount and landed on the right side of my lower back -- and that HURT!!!

Thursday night -- I noticed my urine (sorry if that grosses you out) was getting darker and darker. So -- I called our company's NurseLine (which - sidenote again - is a really great service) to get some advice. Quote "Hang up and go to the ER right now." Unquote. Um . . . that's not a scary conversation to have with an RN. And now . . . the fun begins . . .

I walk up to the entrance to the ER and a motion activated voice starts talking -- loudly! I actually jumped. It's not something you expect to hear at 10pm. Good thing I didn't have heart problems -- that coulda been something worse. So I walk into the lobby and there's an armed guard sitting there. He's all "Why are you here?" Hmmmm, he's got a gun so I guess I should be respectful (something I forget later) and explain that I'm here to see the ER. He asks why . . . and I say "Are you kidding me?" He says no. I say "I am in pain and I need to see a fucking doctor. I'm pissing blood. Open the damn door!" Told you I forgot about the gun thing . . . so in I go.

I go in and check in -- and to my dismay, there are about 40 nasty, sick, poor, but not ER worthy people sitting in the lobby. I HATE that we can't get people insurance so they have to use the ER to treat colds, stomach aches, and the likes. But I digress . . . I pee in the cup for the nurse and hand it to him and he looks at me, tilts his head, and says "Damn, that looks like a stout ale!" I don't think it's supposed to look like that. So, I have to now sit in the lobby and wait my turn.

Hmmm, couple of observations I made while sitting in the ER.

1. If you ask for a wheelchair -- you shouldn't stand up and push to a new location, then sit back down. And you shouldn't continue to do this over and over. Last time I checked, wheel chairs are for NON-ambulatory patients.
2. If you have 4 children, and only one child is sick. Don't bring the other three with you. I know you are probably thinking maybe it's a single parent, but the father and mother were with the kids. 4 of them . . . all under 5 . . . crying because only one of them got a bracelet and they didn't get one.
   
3. If you are required to wear a mask, do not walk near me. (Yeah, that's my own rule.) I'm not really in the mood to catch whatever fkd up thing you might have going on with your lungs -- b'o'kay?? I got my own problems . . . (i.e. peeing Guiness)
4. Don't act all surprised when I'm texting someone when you are on your cell phone talking. The ER attendant actually told me to not use my cell phone while talking to her boyfriend (or whomever). Literally stopped her conversation with him on the phone to tell me not to use mine. Seriously?? How she did that with a straight face I have no idea.
   
5. Male nurses are either HOT or married. I really, REALLY liked the HOT ones . . .
   
6. No matter how I sat in the chair, my kidney fucking hurt. Period.

So -- I get in to the actual ER treatment area in about an hour and get various tests and such to ensure I'm okay. They thought initially I could have internal bleeding, but turned out I didn't after my ct scans. So - some antibiotics to ward off chance of infection and a diagnosis of bruised kidney and dislocated rib (that hurts too, btw). Basically, just gonna be sore for awhile. Treatment was really top notch -- I just really had to find a way to tell the story of the er lobby. That was such a mess.

Moral of the story -- when your fat butt slips in the tub, your fucking kidney hurts. Where in the world do I buy those grippy things for the bottom of my tub??