My Little Helper

So, ever wonder what this whole "Lap-Band" thing actually is?? Well -- here's the pic. I was going to put a photo of the lap band around the stomach, but I was worried that my blog was starting to look like a biology book. And my #1 rule of college was to not take anything ending in "-ology" . . . so . . .

This device is what is going to help me to lose weight. Key phrase in that sentence is "help". This device alone will not make the pounds melt away. I still have some changes I need to make in my life. What this does is help me make those changes.

For those in the know, you can skip down, but if not . . . then read on . . . this device will be placed around the upper part of my stomach to make a much smaller stomach towards the top where the esophagus enters the stomach. The pouch will hold food that I eat up closer to the top of my stomach, thus triggering the nerves that send the message to my brain saying -- Joe Joe full! So, I will eat considerably less and will not feel hungry. It's crazy sounding to me right now . . . but it works. I've seen it on several members of my family and have seen the success they've had. In fact, the surgeon that did my stepmom and aunt is doing me (my surgery, anyway).

So, why the quickie medical lesson?? Well, I was informed yesterday via phone that I was approved for the procedure. Um -- it's real now y'all! This is gonna happen. Like soon -- very soon. I will be posting a counter up on the blog when I get my actual date and then I'll start putting up how much weight I've lost afterwards. It's about to get all kuh-rayz-ee up in here!

This isn't something that you do to lose a few pounds, or even a few more. This is something you do when you have to lose ALOT of pounds. My surgeon believes a good target weight for me based on height and bone structure (and age) is 205 to 215. That means I'm going to lose 250 pounds . . .

. . . and I found out yesterday I've been approved for the procedure!!! An appt with a Nutritionist and a counselor next week, and then it's schedule my surgery time!!

Slippery When Wet

I was going to call this entry "My Fuckin' Kidney Hurts", but I figured that would be a bit offensive to others . . . oh wait . . . ahhh, fuck it. :)

So -- here's the deal. Wednesday afternoon I was taking a shower and as I attempted to do a double back hand spring with a roundhouse dismount out of my tub (doesn't everyone??) I fell. Now, I don't know how you fall -- but when I fall it seems to take awhile. It's kind of like all the sudden I'm in one of the Matrix movies and everything slows down. You could probably see the water drops flying while I plummeted. Needless to say I missed my dismount and landed on the right side of my lower back -- and that HURT!!!

Thursday night -- I noticed my urine (sorry if that grosses you out) was getting darker and darker. So -- I called our company's NurseLine (which - sidenote again - is a really great service) to get some advice. Quote "Hang up and go to the ER right now." Unquote. Um . . . that's not a scary conversation to have with an RN. And now . . . the fun begins . . .

I walk up to the entrance to the ER and a motion activated voice starts talking -- loudly! I actually jumped. It's not something you expect to hear at 10pm. Good thing I didn't have heart problems -- that coulda been something worse. So I walk into the lobby and there's an armed guard sitting there. He's all "Why are you here?" Hmmmm, he's got a gun so I guess I should be respectful (something I forget later) and explain that I'm here to see the ER. He asks why . . . and I say "Are you kidding me?" He says no. I say "I am in pain and I need to see a fucking doctor. I'm pissing blood. Open the damn door!" Told you I forgot about the gun thing . . . so in I go.

I go in and check in -- and to my dismay, there are about 40 nasty, sick, poor, but not ER worthy people sitting in the lobby. I HATE that we can't get people insurance so they have to use the ER to treat colds, stomach aches, and the likes. But I digress . . . I pee in the cup for the nurse and hand it to him and he looks at me, tilts his head, and says "Damn, that looks like a stout ale!" I don't think it's supposed to look like that. So, I have to now sit in the lobby and wait my turn.

Hmmm, couple of observations I made while sitting in the ER.

1. If you ask for a wheelchair -- you shouldn't stand up and push to a new location, then sit back down. And you shouldn't continue to do this over and over. Last time I checked, wheel chairs are for NON-ambulatory patients.
2. If you have 4 children, and only one child is sick. Don't bring the other three with you. I know you are probably thinking maybe it's a single parent, but the father and mother were with the kids. 4 of them . . . all under 5 . . . crying because only one of them got a bracelet and they didn't get one.
   
3. If you are required to wear a mask, do not walk near me. (Yeah, that's my own rule.) I'm not really in the mood to catch whatever fkd up thing you might have going on with your lungs -- b'o'kay?? I got my own problems . . . (i.e. peeing Guiness)
4. Don't act all surprised when I'm texting someone when you are on your cell phone talking. The ER attendant actually told me to not use my cell phone while talking to her boyfriend (or whomever). Literally stopped her conversation with him on the phone to tell me not to use mine. Seriously?? How she did that with a straight face I have no idea.
   
5. Male nurses are either HOT or married. I really, REALLY liked the HOT ones . . .
   
6. No matter how I sat in the chair, my kidney fucking hurt. Period.

So -- I get in to the actual ER treatment area in about an hour and get various tests and such to ensure I'm okay. They thought initially I could have internal bleeding, but turned out I didn't after my ct scans. So - some antibiotics to ward off chance of infection and a diagnosis of bruised kidney and dislocated rib (that hurts too, btw). Basically, just gonna be sore for awhile. Treatment was really top notch -- I just really had to find a way to tell the story of the er lobby. That was such a mess.

Moral of the story -- when your fat butt slips in the tub, your fucking kidney hurts. Where in the world do I buy those grippy things for the bottom of my tub??

Put Your Records On

Music is such an important part of my life. I could talk and talk about favorite songs, songs that move me, or songs with a good beat for hours and hours. I love sitting with someone and listening to their faves and sharing mine . . . which leads me to this post. Here are three artists that you probably haven't heard - but should. In all aspects, these artists are phenomenal - but for whatever reason America hasn't embraced them.

First up is the the third member of Destiny's Child, Michelle Williams. I have her all 3 of her CD's (2 are gospel - "Heart to Yours" and "Do You Know"), but the third cd titled "Unexpected" was just that - a complete surprise. It's a peppy dance collection only tinged with R&B, and it did spin off a #1 single on Billboard's Dance Chart -- but it never really made a splash. That is a shame because unlike Beyonce' - she doesn't oversing. She knows her voice and her limitations - and the results make you wanna dance. Here is the video for her #1 Dance single "We Break the Dawn" -- watch it if for nothing else, the hot dancers ;)

Next up is the return of the Boy Band -- but not who you think. The British Boy Band "Take That" has returned (sans Robbie Williams) with an unbelievable comeback CD entitled "Beautiful World" Unlike all of the other Boy Bands, this time around they weren't about the dance moves or cut bodies, instead they were focused on the music. It shows from their Brit winning single "Shine", to their #1 smash "Patience." I've included my favorite track off of their cd, the song is entitled "I'd Wait for Life." The lead singer, Gary Barlow, does a great job with this sweeping ballad that he co-wrote. I hope everyone has had a chance to feel love like this . . .

Finally -- something completely out of left field - sort of :) I'm a huge fan of "party" rap, but many rap artists are a bit - well - misogynistic. Enter Cazwell -- an openly gay no holds barred rapper that drops his rhymes over catchy disco beats and hopping synths. Every single of his I've heard has made me laugh and want to dance at the same time. Yes, he is a protege' of Jonny McGovern -- but he's nothing like him. Here's is a song that I could definitely see as a mainstream hit, but America is just too up tight to let him play -- It's called "Watch My Mouth."

Me and Grocery Stores . . .

What is it with me and grocery stores?? Maybe it's because I usually go late at night. Partly b/c of my work schedule, and partly b/c I just don't like crowds of people.

So, I'm at the grocery store gathering a few odds and ends, and then I notice -- everyone shopping looks either extremely hung over or the mental hospital down the road a few blocks had a break out. I have never seen so many zombie like people in one location wearing various forms of pajamas and troll doll hair do's since One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest . . . but that's just me.

I quickly gather my remaining items and head for the self checkout lanes (I LOVE those). No checker to comment on my purchase or some bag boy that squishes my chips or put two items per bag. Yes, the control is MINE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! (The simple things in life . . . )

Then, just as I pass the only open regular lane, I realize all the self checkouts are CLOSED!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I always end up with creepy checkout person . . . UGH! So, the checkout goes somewhat smoothly (he only asked me 4 times if this was all I had, and it was) and then we get to payment. Now being the courteous shopper I am, I have already swiped my check card, requested 20 bucks cash back, entered my code, and am just waiting for said cashier to process my transaction.

"You need to pay"

"I swiped my card already"

"No you didn't"

"Yes sir, I did" (This isn't going so well)

"I didn't see you"

"It says 'waiting on cashier'. I did debit and asked for cash back"

"Swipe it again"

"Aren't you supposed to hit the debit key on your register"

"Huh? Oh yeah . . . " (Hits debit key -- yes I was a checker in college for a time)

"Can I get 4 five dollar bills?" (Remember the 20 bucks I requested? I get 5's so I don't have to carry 20 dollars worth of change when I want a soda at work)

"What! It says 20 dollars!"

"Yes sir. Can I get 4 fives?"

"No. You have to get 20 dollars."

"Sir, count out the change for 4 fives. It's 20 dollars"

"Huh? No it's not. Look - 5, 10, 15, 20 - oh. Here." (I'd be willing to bet his register is a tad short at the end of his shift).

I hate grocery stores.