Ain't About the Money

So, this whole grad school thing is a bit scary but really exciting too.  Some MAJOR life changes have taken place in a quick time that honestly, I just haven't processed yet.  No more house (good thing), no more job (good thing), no steady income (not a good thing), and lots of reading (not a good thing, but will be!).

What I'm pondering is "why?" -- and actually I'm not, but some of my acquaintences are.  I say acquatinences b/c those that I'm friends with know me and know why.  But I wanted to explain why, in this economy (so hate that phrase!) I chose to quit a very good job and start on this adventure.

I can sum it all up in three words -- FOUND MY PASSION.  I feel very lucky and blessed to have discovered what motivates and excites me, and it's learning about human behavior, mental health, and all that is tied up with it.  I get excited at the thought of learning about this -- and practicing it.  I find it odd that people have the tendency to offer me their advice on what I'm doing -- especially now that I'm doing it...

Yes I know it's a long haul for my doctorate (like 7 - 8 years)
Yes I know I'm going to want to pull my hair out at times
Yes I know I won't be able to make tons of money
Yes I know it's going to be a huge challenge

I'm not motivated by money or ease though, not anymore.  If one day, down the line somewhere, in my research or in my practice or maybe even in a book I publish I can help one person, one individual, then all of this is worth it.  And that, my acquaintences, is why I'm doing this.  It's not for the Benjamin's...

Politics -- meh!

"Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain

So, this might be a bit unexpected today -- a political rant.  I'm not overtly political -- I don't belong to a party.  I try to educate myself on the candidates that are running, and if I feel comfortable with what they stand for and how they communicate, I vote for them.  I DON'T vote a 'party ticket' -- I hate that.  Especially since the political parties are doing nothing but providing the same message in a different outfit.  Someone actually speaking the truth doesn't influence anything because they don't "look the part" -- so to speak.  (Hence the quote - which I LOVE)

So what has me up in arms -- a facebook ad.  I know, right??  I got a little facebook ad from the Democratic Party of Kansas with a little rainbow icon saying that the Democratic Party always has the interests of LGBT at heart.  Um -- really??  Always??  A wise professor once told me to investigate and never believe anything at face value, and she was right.  And you should never trust statements that contain "always" and "never."

So again -- why am I upset... Well - even though I'm gay (I know, shock!), my interests are with the rest of the country right now.  I'm sick and tired of what I jokingly call "The Politics of the Penis".  It started with the election of Mr. Hillary Clinton and has continued.  Everyone is worried about what everyone does with (or without) a penis.  Instead of telling us how they are going to get our AAA rating back as a nation, get our state out of debt, or fix the damn roads in the town I live in (they are doing that now, FINALLY, but all at once), I'm bombarded with sound bites about sex.

Don't believe me?  Watch this election cycle.  I want you to listen for the following three things:

• Abortion ~ seriously -- this is still a topic.  1975 called and wants it's controversy back!  Let's give it to 'em.  I'm not going to go into what I personally believe, b/c it's moot, and might surprise you where I stand.  Stop spending money we don't have dealing with an issue that should be laid to rest with the synthetic bell bottoms of that era.  It's legal -- move on!
• Gay Marriage ~ yeah, this makes me listen.  But honestly, I think we have more important things to worry about then whether or not I can change my last name at this time.  It's not that I don't think it's important (I am an HRC member), but I'm not voting based on this stand.  I'd vote for someone that doesn't want me to marry but can fix the tax code, close the loop holes, and fix our debt issues.  Why?  Simple, I can't "marry" anyway yet I know many people that do.  Marriage isn't a legal institution, it's a commitment between two people in front of God about loving each other forever and being faithful.  I don't need that legislated.  If it was 1991 and the economy was rocking along, I'd be all for this, but not right now.
• Sex Scandal ~ Tied to either Anthony Weiner (still makes me giggle) or a new one crops up.  Two words -- SO WHAT?  Every adult has a closet door that would have all kinds of skeletons and zombies come running out that we don't want the world to see.  I'm not making a decision based on whether or not someone is permiscuous. 

I probably over vented - but I just hate being labeled and being told that I should support something because I'm gay.  Or from Texas.  Or an Aggie.  Or a soon to be psychologist.  Or (insert reason here).  Let me think!  Let me make my own decision.  If you tell me what to do I'm liable to do the exact opposite to spite you....

Back That Thing Up



My baby!!!

So, grant me my Andy Rooney moment here...  Maybe I'll be the next guy on 60 minutes at the end that talks about nothing important... lol!

Have you ever noticed what is on the back of vehicles today?  There's all kind of crazy stuff that people will put on the back of their cars and trucks to express themselves.  Sometimes it's a great form of self expression, and other times they probably should have kept it to themselves.  But hey -- it's America and we can freely self express -- and I can poke fun at it!

After all -- we get to interpret what we see...

So this guy was all over the board.  He likes honda motorcycles, drives a toyota truck, thinks VW's are biohazards, wants to eat, sleep, and rally, and finally likes to do illegal stuff.  Does anyone else picture a 40 something crossdresser driving this vehicle?  With bad makeup and hair?

Okay -- this one is organized, and interesting.  The tailgate has bulls.  The bottom of the window has naked chicks.  And the two stickers are of the Virgin Mary.  Sends a bit of a scary message if you ask me... although points for organization.

Yay for the Dallas Cowboys fan and supporting our troops -- but do we need to know that you are into watersports??

"Honk if you want some" -- no commentary needed LMAO!

You really shouldn't air out your family issues on the back of your car.  It appears the oldest child hacked up the younger ones in only what I can assume was a fit of rage!

Anyone imaging a rather large woman with workboots, jeans, a flannel shirt, and a mullet stepping out of this truck?  Probably with a cigarette in her mouth?  Just axin'....

ME TOO!!! (hahahaha)

As for mine??  Well obviously it says I'm a proud gay Texas A&M grad who loves still being a kid at heart!!!  ;)

And to think I got didn't get pulled over for driving through parking lots taking pics of cars... Was in the mood for a random blog and this filled in just right. 

www.dating.com

My computer!!  Sort of :)

So – it’s 2011 and there’s this handy little thing called an internet. It can help you find all kinds of things you never thought you needed – like superhero underwear, white watches, Disney branded gifts, even a pink A&M one-sie for your niece. It’s also makes finding things you need a lot easier – like a pizza for a party, scores from the latest basketball game (VCU?? Seriously??), hotel rooms in other states (NOLA! SD!), and yes – even a date.


That’s right kiddos – online dating is out there. You’ve seen the ads, from eHarmony, match.com, cupid.com, plentyofish.com (thx Gaga & Brit!), etc., etc. There’s even iPhone apps for it (Grindr for those that know) among others. So yes skittles, I have adventured into the world of online dating. It is 2011, and lets face it kids, there’s not a whole lot of options in Top City – but there really should be a translation book out there.

There’s just some real silliness posted out there online – so I thought I’d let you in on some of the stuff that makes me giggle or even outright laugh:

• The bare chest profile pic with phone/camera obstructing the face
Decoded: I’m not out of the closet. No relationship here, just – well – you know

• Same above, with the statement “Not looking to hookup”
Decoded: Yes you are

• Description of traits of an ideal guy that end with “Step to the front of the line”
Decoded: I’m desperate; I’ll go out with anyone. And I’ll trade up the first chance I get. How vain are you to think there is a line of men waiting to date you?  (And seriously – if there was actually a line would they be online??)

• Statement says “Your place only”
Decoded: I’m married/partnered and my wife/partner doesn’t know I’m cheating. Don’t tell!

• Ending a profile description that says “I don’t do drama!”
Decoded: Yes, you do. How would you know what drama is without doing it, and I’m guessing you are the main cause of said “drama” and therefore do “drama” a lot

• Having the terms “hot,” “sexy,” or “stud” in your signin
Decoded: I’m more into me than I am to you. And I know it too. Narcissism at its finest lol.

• Saying you are “discrete”
Decoded: You really mean “creepy” – you don’t want anyone to know what you are up to and that just makes me shiver

• And the one that makes me laugh the most – “Be masculine. I only like real men.”
Decoded: Hahahahaha – Are there really desperate women posing as gay men?

Good luck my fellow singles, straight, gay, lesbian, or bi – it’s a tough world out there!

Westboro, Supreme Court, Slashed Tires, and Trash

So yeah, I live in Westboro here in Topeka, KS.  Okay -- well actually like two blocks north.  Westboro is a quaint neighborhood area on the west side of the captial building.  It has some beautiful homes.  And one f*cked up church . . .

Yup -- I live two blocks north of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church.  Yes . . . THAT one.  So why am I blogging about this?  Well, I just wanted to weigh in on a few recent develoments . . .

One, the Supreme Court upheld a lower courts ruling that they have the right to protest at military funerals.  Now let me get this out -- I absolutely DETEST them -- but they do have that right.  We live in a country where we can protest whatever we want, no matter how assanine or retarded we are about it.  Our country was built on that right -- and I wouldn't support anyone losing it.  It doesn't mean I have to listen, or acknowledge them.  I know a lot of people are upset about that ruling, but I'm not.  I wouldn't want my right to attend the Million Fag March (and yes, I'll be there, April 30th) to be interfered with because it offends someone.  We have to allow everyone a voice, even if we don't like what they are saying with it.  I do feel the Supreme Court got this one right.

Secondly, and admittedly I giggled when I read this article, someone slashed the tires of the Westboro Baptist Church minivan in McAlister, Oklahoma; and then no one in the town would provide service to them.  (Click HERE to read the article in the Tulsa Journal.)  I don't condone violence, or vandalism, and really wouldn't EVER recommend anyone do this to anyone -- I think a little "Golden Rule" was in effect in this situation.  Some people are worried that they will sue the small businesses that refused to fix their tires, but it's legal refuse service as long as it's not a violation of someone civil rights (i.e. NO shirt, NO shoes, NO service).  I'm wondering if they could even argue that they refused service as a form of protest . . .

Finally -- and many know about this -- they aren't really protesting anything.  They protest in front of churches, a local park, Sonic (WTF on that??), a video store, and funerals.  And they use the same signs over and over and over.  No point -- just trying to upset everyone.

The leader of that cult (and yes, it really is that) started off protesting gay events and gay funerals.  He received tons of coverage, and he became famous.  And then people started ignoring him, and not paying attention to him.  Typical of all fame whores, he couldn't deal with the fact that he was being ignored.  So -- how to generate more news coverage??  Now he protests military funerals.  That pisses off more than just the "gays."    Don't believe me about the "fame whore" claim -- how about trying to stage a Quran burning on 9/11 after the pastor in Florida called his off due to all the attention he received . . . yeah, too bad no one paid attention.  (Click HERE to read that article).  One thing effective fame whores know is that you have to be original . . .

So -- the point of my post.  It isn't to rail the WBC.  I could care less what they do.  THAT is my point in this post.  Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, just needs to ignore them.  I do.  I have the same opinion of them as I do trash on the side of the road -- I don't like it existing but I don't really stop and do anything about it.  I just don't care enough.  So -- there you have it.  One gay man's strategy on how he feels about the WBC crazies walking up and down the sidewalks.

The bottom line is they really don't have anything to say.  They just want you to pay attention to them.

To Mr. Whomever You Will Be . . .

Okay, so I say I hate Valentine's Day . . . I don't hate it.  I don't like it either.  For me it's just another day.  It's like last Tuesday, or the following Thursday.  It really has never held a special meaning for me.  Partly because, well, I haven't had a valentine in a long, long time.  I had so much going on upstairs, I really didn't have a chance to find someone. 

So, I'm looking.  Not desperatly seeking, or crazily, but just looking . . . and to Mr. Whomever You Will Be, I just want you to know, I'm just me . . .

“Just Me”

I can’t compete with the sexy young thing,
Strutting across the dance floor, showing is bling.
He’s hot, he’s a dream,
He haunts all the men’s memories.
I’m a bit shy, stand off by the side.
I don’t like everyone to know me, sometimes I hide.
But with you my hips begin to move
And the beat infects me, I start to groove.
I don’t know what will be,
I only know I’m not him, I’m just me.

I can’t outshine the drag queen on stage,
Swinging her hips, acting half her age.
She’s sassy, she’s crass,
She lets you slap her ass.
I move slowly, even though I want to go fast.
Take every step deliberately, I want it to last.
I’ll admit, deep within, a closet freak resides,
I just don’t know how to unleash it from inside.
My desires are welling, my heart is free,
I can only say I’m not her, I’m just me.

I can’t eclipse the furry bear
Flexing his muscles, wearing his leather.
He’s manly, he’s strong,
His desire burns hard and long.
I am a work in progress, it takes time.
I struggle at times to keep my eye on the prize.
I will try to fulfill your fantasies, your desires,
I can only promise to try to keep ablaze the fire.
My love burns strong, could that make you happy?
I promise you I’m not any of them, I’m just me.

Random Thoughts in the Key of G

I'm sitting here not entirely sure why I'm blogging this.  I would call this entry more of a free thought, free flowing train of my random thoughts.  I guess I just feel the need from time to time to open the small door of my craziness to the world outside.  I think it makes you appreciate sanity more . . . lol!

So, the basics first.  I'm in front of my computer listening to just about the best Gaga song EVER . . . (Bad Romance in case you were curious) in my sweats.  Ragan is sleeping next to my chair, Wilson is in the bedroom on my bed, and I have no idea where Kahlua is hiding, probably in Ragan's kennel, her new favorite spot.

Ever wonder if someone thinks the same thing about you that you do about them?  I'll just start off with being single sucks.  Well, not sucks, but is very frustrating.  I know relationships are hard work, and I by no mean imply that life is soooo much better with one, I just know that I want one.  So, someone has caught my eye (true story!).  And as anything that happens in my life, it's complicated.  I never think that someone looks at me that way, and well, I wish I knew if he did.  Would make things soooooooo much easier.  Kinda like Gaga says . . . I don't wanna be friends!  I mean I do, but I don't . . . Somehow I always end up in the dreaded "friend zone" . . . And I'm always scared that I'm misreading the situation. 

A bit down about the whole grad school thing.  I basically am getting turned down by two of my schools.  I'm on the dreaded "back up" list . . . Texas Tech and UNT both have already contacted applicants to come down for an interview day, and well . . . I didn't get an invite.  A bit bummed out by that but like one of my professors said, I know I can continue on for my Master's where I'm at.  Not that I don't love Washburn, but I really, really want to get a PhD . . . so I might be going through all this again next year . . . ugh!

I'm really excited about presenting the results of my research this Spring.  I'm doing it three times . . . once at a University level, once at a multi-state level, and finally at a whole Midwest level.  It's kind of exciting!!!  We'll see how all that goes . . . but I'm excited for the experience!!!  Sooner or later I'll finish up my research paper and potentially even work on getting it published.

I wonder why I pay for cable tv . . . I NEVER WATCH IT anymore.  I love me some cable internet, but I never watch any shows on tv . . . I just don't get myself sometimes . . . I need to cowboy up and take the cable box back and say that I just want internet -- nuttin' else.  Sooner or later I guess I will . . .

I'm craving some Oreos & milk hard core right now . . . good thing I have neither in my house!!

Am I Pretty?

Before you get ready to send me some note to tell me to cheer up or I am -- I'm not asking this question.  Rather, I'm answering it for someone.  Someone, who quite frankly, shocked me when that person asked me this question.  It was someone that I felt was pretty, as you'll see later, as well as cute as hell!  It caught me off guard that he would ask a question I essentially wonder all the time about myself.

While it wasn't exactly worded that way, the gist was definitely those three little words that at some time, in some form or fashion, we all want to know.  "Am I pretty?"

What makes someone pretty?  We all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so in this case since I'm the beholden, I get to answer that question.  To me, only a few things make someone pretty. 

Let's get the obvious out of the way -- I'm not talking about attractive.  Attractive is defined by society and culture, and I think we are all pretty well versed on what our culture finds attractive.  Attractive activates the lust within us all -- both exciting as well as fleeting.  Pretty is much more intense, slower to come to the surface, and what makes love endure, in my book.

One more caveat before I answer his question.  It was asked by someone that is a-straight, and b-not looking to test out "the other team" so to speak.  He asked it because he knew I'd give an unbiased opinion with nothing behind it. 

So, are you pretty?  Let me look into your eyes.  Do you have that spark, that spirit, that light?  Is that fire burning within, that passion for life?  When you look at me, can I tell without even seeing you?  Yes, your gaze is electric, exciting, and dare I say a bit dangerous.  You are pretty because of what I can see deep in your eyes.  Life with you will never be dull, and never lose it's passion.

Touch my shoulder, or my hand.  Not in a sensual way, but in a casual way.  Maybe a nice hug.  Was there something warm in that embrace?  Did my heart flutter a bit?  Did yours?  Can you communicate your emotions, how you feel, through a touch?  If a heart rate changes, or a deep breath happens, you can.  Life with you would never be lonely, never be cold.

Talk to me.  Not in that 900 number way . . . but rather in a way that opens the door to you.  Be honest, be upfront.  Can you share what you fear?  Can you communicate your dreams?  Without even trying, can you engage me in a conversation that blurs time.  You know, the kind when you turn around and are like -- seriously??  We've been talking for HOW LONG??  Life with you would be emotionally and intellectually rewarding. 

So this is how I define "pretty" -- and while it's true that he probably didn't want to know all this -- it's all good.  He gave me a great topic for a blog entry, and made me think about what I do find pretty.  And he is very, very pretty indeed . . .