Return of the Guru

Alright my skittles . . . The Fashion Guru is baaaaack! It is time for me to impart some extremely importante information regarding certain fashion choices that have been working my last nerve. I am tired of walking around in all my fabulosity and having to be bombarded with some rather . . . well, disturbing selections that some of the less fortunate are making. Since my journeys have made me almost other-worldly, I'd like to impart my fashion wisdom. So today, there are 3 simple rules that I'd like everyone to follow for the rest of the summer.

Rule #1 - Read Instructions ~ Read instructions?? Yes dearies . . . if you were not aware many of today's ensembles come WITH INSTRUCTIONS! If you will just read the item's instructions you will not make a poor choice. Need an example?? Take "skinny jeans." This is such an easy instruction to follow - they are telling you if you are skinny, these are your jeans. If you are NOT SKINNY, these ARE NOT your jeans. It's just that easy! And skinny isn't if you line up all of your relatives at the Southern Deep Fried convention and you happen to be the smallest fatty that you are then skinny . . . skinny is NOT relative. Other examples -- mom jeans (jeans for mom), fitted tees (if they don't fit . . .), undershirts (rednecks - this means to wear 'under' another shirt - or to make it easier to understand you will end up wearing as many shirts as you have teeth). See?? That was easy.

Rule #2 - Ensure contents don't shift during travel ~ or in other words . . . wear undergarments! Ladies -- unless you are 24 with super perky boobs, you need to support your girls with some type of bra . . . any bra . . . seriously. Try the pencil test . . . If you can stick a pencil under your boob, and it stays, you need support. Gravity is the devil - and after nursing 3 children and gaining 40 lbs, you should not under ANY circumstances allow you girls to EVER be free . . . I'm not sure I'd even recommend them to be free EVER, but at least in public keep them contained. The last thing anyone wants to see is a couple of droopy orangutan boobies bouncin under some light cottony fabric. It's enough to make anyone wanna hurl.

Rule #3 - Also known as JJ's Golden Rule of Fashion - Just because it's your size does NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD WEAR IT!!! ~ Low rise jeans aren't meant to be warn by a size 24 women or 40" waisted man . . . they are just not! There is nothing sexy or alluring about someone that is wearing a pair of jeans that doesn't cover back fat or muffin top. NOTHING! Since you are not hot, (trust me, your not) your fashion choices should create the illusion that in a really dark bar with several drinks, you might be "cute". And if you are wearing something you shouldn't, it won't work.

Please, if you are one of the few gifted souls like me, help me help the fashionably challenged, or as I call them the FT's (Fashion-Tards), pass these rules along. It can only make the world a more beautiful place . . .

A Poem: Damaged Heart

Look into these tear dried eyes.

Do you see the scars behind them?

Is the hopeless dispair of lonliness

outshining the promise of life that burns

deep down inside?

I've shed the last tear in pain

over the last bit of drama brought to my door.

There is nothing left to grieve,

nothing left to cry.

Who will wipe these dry eyes?

Now that the tears are gone . . .

Hold onto this weary hand.

Can you feel the weakness within?

Can you tell that it doesn't cling

to what it knows will quickly leave

as it came?

Releasing with my grip, my nemesis, my defeat,

They no longer walk with me in the night.

There is nothing more to grasp for

blindly in the dark, misguided.

Who will take this tired hand?

Now that the strength is gone . . .

Love this broken heart.

Do you feel the pieces tearing my chest apart?

Is there a moment that passes

that every ripping beat shredding all hope

can not be heard?

It's been smashed and effectively trashed, shredded.

Slowly, with patience and perseverence,

I've collected the small pieces

and mended what I could.

Who will love this damaged heart?

Now that the strife is gone . . .

What is Forgiveness?

I don't know if most abuse survivors struggle with this, but I know I have for quite a long time. I imagine my struggle is not unique, yet for me the journey is very loansome. What does it mean to forgive?

That question has burned in my mind for years upon years. On my left shoulder, I had tattooed "spirit, pray, grace, love, forgive" to remind myself over and over that I needed to do that. I needed to forgive the people that let me down as a child. It might sound odd, but it's something I know I must do in order to finally put it behind me.

But how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone?? I've prayed to God to forgive them, and I say I have forgiven them. I don't hold a hatred in my heart towards them, nor do I wish them ill will. I do chose, however, to not have them participate in my life. I don't think to forgive necessarily means that you forget. I wish I could forget those events, but unfortunately they are etched in my brain.

So in my struggle and my anxiety, I reached out to my pastor. I'm not known for asking for help, but I am so glad I did. He gave me the best advice, and what I truly believe it means to forgive, so I share it with you. He said, "Forgiveness is all about letting go of the anger and the hurt, and trusting that when we do that, God meets us in that place of surrender and strengthens us for the journey ahead."

He went on to explain that it's not about forgetting, but letting go of the emotion, the anger. Sometimes, too much has happened that even though we forgive, the relationship can never be healed. So I pray now for God to help me forgive them, to let go of the anger and negative emotion, and help me to move on. I no longer want to survive, I want to thrive.

Rules of Engagement

I might be a bit judgmental, but I just think it's important to actually be employed - or working on gainful employment, when looking for a mate. It's kind of scary when you go out with someone that doesn't work - and isn't planning on getting a job in the near future.

Then there's the right and wrong things to say when courting someone. You shouldn't comment on less than flattering features of your prospective partner. It's not the wisest idea to actually point out a flabby chest or a bit of belly fat. Kinda kills the mood . . .

And definitely ask questions if someone says something that you don't understand. Never just assume you know what the other person is talking about or that you will figure it out later. Topics have a funny way of rearing their ugly head again and forcing you at some point to actually admit you have no clue what's being discussed, and therefore looking more like an idiot.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever under any circumstances whatsoever profess to be in love with the person on the first date. Even if you've known each other for years and years, it comes across as hokey and reeking of desperation. Kinda ruins the joy of the pursuit.

On the first arranged meeting, don't bring your two hags, gossip and talk amongst yourself, giggle uncontrollably, and then leave within 15 min of arrival. Well, you can, but don't ask if the other person likes you -- if you can't stick around to find out it's probably not worth finding out the answer.

Refrain from asking what names the kids are going to have that you both will be adopting on the first date. Not the best time to suggest building a family and home with someone when you are just getting to know each other.

Everyone knows it's all about putting your best foot forward - but make sure it's actually a good foot. No one likes a know-it-all, and everyone hates an idiot. It's better to be comfortable with yourself, flaws and all, then to try and mask it behind feigned intelligence.

I don't think this is asking too much . . . is it?