Life is weird. I just wanted to get that out of the way. So - those of you looking for an update on the Lap Band (aka my sis-in-law Vicki) will have to wait. This is more of a personal reflection about something I've been thinking about since I've been down here in Texas - and that is merging my "two lives".
See, I have two lives - one that took place before I was 28 and reality hit me, and the one that came after I dusted myself off. These two lives are very seperate, in many, many ways.
Endulge me on this rather long entry (as it is my blog). Before I was 28, I had one brother. I went to and graduated HS from Alvarado High and then graduated from A&M. I had one very special relationship with a wonderful woman and several whatever relationships with women that were convenient, but not what I wanted. I quickly lost interest in dating and focused on my career. I went to my Mother's when I was obliged (holidays, once in summer). That was my life. Very compartmentalized, very controlled, and very expected.
Then, in the summer of 2001, my mind exploded. Flashbacks of sexual abuse by my stepfather hit me. Depression, anti-depressants, tons of counseling, crazy/unexplained behavior, questioning everything in my life, denial, anger (the list goes on). Needless to say I was a fish out of water. I didn't really live during this time - it just passed. I call this my regeneration period.
During the Summer of 2007, I stepped into my current life. I had accepted who I was, and had also learned to be happy with who I am. I was able to say things like: "I am gay", "I am very, very angry with my mother", "I miss my father", "I need to pick myself up and get back to living", etc. I became who I am today. I'm at peace, happy, excited, hopeful, and just tickled pink (no pun intended) to be where I am. I remember the day that my step-mom called me and helped me re-establish my relationships with the side of my family that I had lost.
My sis-in-law had told me that she was stunned to learn that her husband had a third brother (that's me). It shocked her because that's how much I had withdrawn. It shocked me at how effective I was at doing that. I now see my brothers, my dad and step-mom, and my nephew and niece on a pretty regular basis - which is good considering I live in Kansas :)
So - why all this on my mind? Well - it's because of facebook! Yes, facebook . . . old friends from HS have stumbled across my page on facebook and have reached out to me to re-establish those friendships that were lost. They know the old me, not the person I've become. I'm very nervous about re-establishing these relationships. Notice I said nervous, but not hiding. I know I have hidden who I am for so many years that I don't want to do that anymore. So - here I am - being who I am - and finding out what lies in the water. I know some will gossip, and I know some will not be open, but I also know some will accept and continue to love me for me, and I don't want to lose those friends.
Whew . . . did I ramble on this . . . ;)
Since getting on Facebook, I too have connected again with people from HS (note I didn't say friends). After more than 30 years, they have lives and I have a life, none of which really reflect who we were back in the 1970s. In some ways, I view the revisiting more like an anthropologist views a social experiment. I am completely who I am today and I find it interesting in how some will react. I don't expect more out of these Facebook re-connections other than having my own curiosity satisfied and adding a few more acquaintances. I wonder what your re-connections will bring to YOU.
ReplyDeleteAh, Facebook...I'm not interested in catching up with people from the past, really. If I'm meant to see them, then I figure I will. I'm with Dave on the curiousity thing, but not enough to welcome them into what little of my personal business I put on my friends-only FB page.
ReplyDeleteWeird, I know...
Mine is an odd story. I don't have a past. Since my family moved too much, I went to one school for 9th grade, another for 10, and then finished High School in a rural town for my Junoir and Senior Year. I didn't have a lot of opportunity to cultivate close relationships, but my two best friends from those years are dead - one to drugs, another to AIDS. I was married for over 20 years, and my life in pictures (and posessions) are gone. When I moved from Maine, those who I thought were close friends drifted into oblivion. I suppose there is something to be said for a clean slate, but there is also something to be said for continuity.
ReplyDeleteI have one person who contacted me from my graduating year of High School on Facebook. I have no idea who he is, but he recalls things that are definately me - it was the early 70's, what can I day... I can't for the life of me recognize anybody on Facebook from my graduation year. I suppose I have a measure of anonymity in a very public forum. Thank goodness for David and all of the wonderful people I met on Y360!
Wow... who is rambling now?
Joe,
ReplyDeleteI am one of those who knew you when. There are parts of us that never change. Your smile is more real than high school. It is obvious you are happy. I am nervous about FB too. hello have you seen me? I love thhe fact it was such a small school and we all did care about each other. Ok some cared some were jusst Assholes. I am happy for you and hope next time in Texas you will let me know and we can hang out. I would love to meet the "real" JoeJoe!