A Longing

I've avoided this for awhile . . . but I've been a bit blue lately. Oh, I can feign amusement at work, or enjoy myself with friends, but it's time to admit what's bothering me. I have no one to touch me. (Not like that! Well -- like that but not!)

Seriously -- I miss a lovers touch. I can't remember the last time someone touched my bare shoulder, kissed my neck, twirled my hair, or just leaned up against me. Being alone is easy in so many ways -- make my own decisions, do what I want, get up whenever, buy whatever, do whatever . . . but I'd give it all up for someone to touch me. I long to feel alive, wanted, and loved. I know . . . just a bit lonely on a day when I should just get some sleep -- but it's keepin' me up. I'm hoping by dumping it all here it will get it off my mind. I do tend to bottle things up . . . ;)

"Hold my Hand"

~

Put your hand in mine.

Walk with me, follow me.

Be with me, don't let go.

Please, hold my hand.

~

I walked with you in the morning mist.

Your hair surrounded that angelic face.

You held my hand close to your heart.

We were one, walking down the beach.

The rising sun shimmering in the distance,

Our love radiating from with in our hearts.

And you held my hand . . .

~

I walked with you at noon.

With the sun high in the sky.

I never noticed those cold blue eyes.

I never noticed that cold heart.

You held my hand, with an icy grip.

The tenderness was gone,

But you held my hand . . .

~

I walk alone in the evening.

No one to bother me, no one to cause me pain.

I don't miss walking with you,

for you only wanted to walk by yourself.

I was not loved, not wanted.

The agony continues to build,

the sun setting in the west.

And no one held my hand . . .

Sleepy Saturday Scintillating Synopsis

I think I'm awake -- although I'm not sure. This week went from normal to maximum-stressolocity in about 1 day. I think last night you could have powered the state of Delaware with the elevated heart beats of the 6 of us. Those that have worked in retail or mfg and have to do an inventory can definitely relate . . . those that haven't -- I will now hate you for the next 45 seconds.

So, as I sit here in my dream-wake state, I thought I'd go back and check my windows from the previous post. I hadn't written much that was "real Joe Joe" in a long time, and I thought this would help stir some thoughts. It's very interesting the response and what comments I got. My philosophy behind doing this is simple ~ I know who I am, but I was curious as to what others perceive me as. Kind of a reality check to see if the image in the mirror is truly there. I got some interesting results.

We'll start with the Nohari window, so I can end on a positive note . . . My selections in the Nohari were: insecure, unhappy, cynical, overdramatic, needy, and impatient. Now, everyone feels I'm insecure -- and I am. I question all that I do. I think that people are upset with me when they aren't. My mind takes things in 14 million negative directions. I know why, but that's not important. What's important is that I've still got a long way to go to work on not being so insecure. Don't know if that'll ever go away, but being aware of it can help me change some behaviors around that.

I never thought of myself as timid, but 4 outta 5 people think I am. I've always thought of myself as stepping up and taking challenges head on. The truth, however, is that I only do that in work. In my personal life -- I hide. I have an excuse for almost everything. I can tell you in paragraph form why I don't take risks or "put myself out there." I am timid. Knowing that will help me. No selected inpatient or needy for me -- which is good. I am both of these, but I have been able to somewhat control those impulses -- and getting confirmation of that is nice.

So -- the Johari window was a bit more diverse. The only thing most everyone could agree upon was that I'm witty. Whatdayaknow?? I'm witty, I'm pretty, and I'm gay! (I just had to) I love a good jab, or a funny line, or making a comment that draws a "you bitch!" response and giggles . . . makes my day. Gotta keep everyone on their toes! ;)

At least 3 people also found me silly & loving (which I agreed with) and giving & searching (which I did not select). I never thought about searching, but I am. I'm searching for happiness, for love -- for myself really. It's been a journey that was long overdue in starting. Like D always says -- Denial is not just a river in Egypt! ;) No one selected sentimental or trustworthy. One thing y'all need to know 'bout me is that I am a BIG ol' romantic! If someone sent me flowers at work or did a cutesy thing for me -- I'd probably just turn to mush. I'd save something from the experience and scrapbook it to show everyone!! (don't laugh!!)

So, what was the point of all this?? Not much really -- just wanted to know what my buds thought of me. And you know what?? I feel very lucky to have a group of peeps that are honest enough to tell me what they think, and care enough to discover who I am.

I think it's official -- I'm awake . . . so I'm gonna go take a nap! ;)