A Love Game

Hey all . . . I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, but had a lot going on lately. I thought about how to share all of the adventure and such, and well . . . I just thought the fantastic Lady Gaga could help me out.

“Bad Romance”
I want your love, and I want your revenge, I want your love, I don’t want to be friends . . .
I want your loving, I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance. I want your loving, and all your lover’s revenge, you and me could write a bad romance.

Someone explain to me how I always, ALWAYS end up in the dreaded “friend zone”. Just once I’d like to meet someone that is as in to me as I’m in to him . . . but then again, that’s the challenge isn’t it? What’s hard about it all is that he’s a really great guy that is honest and fun to be around. Not to mention we always have a blast when we hang together . . . oh well . . . there’s always time, right?? 

“Beautiful, Dirty, Rich”
We got it made like ice cream topped with honey, but we got no money! Daddy, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry yeah! We just like to party yeah, like to party yeah!

The trip to New Orleans and Dallas was FANTASTIC!!! Literally one of the best vacations I’ve ever, ever had. I can’t believe how much fun was crammed into 7 days. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! It might have been too much since as soon as I got back, I got the flu. But it was still all worth it. I’ve got 804 pics to prove it too . . . Those aren’t getting posted though . . . 

“Paparazzi”
I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa . . . Paparazzi . . . Baby there’s no other superstar you know that I’ll be your . . . Papa . . . Paparazzi . . . Baby I promise I’ll be kind, but I won’t stop until the boy is mine. Baby you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me . . .

Is there anything wrong with hope? I’m struggling with trying to be realistic and the hopeless romantic that I am. Part of me thinks that he’s really does just want to be my friend (cuz that’s what he tells me) and then there’s that secret side of me that wants to believe he’s hiding how he feels. I know it’s silly to think that because there’s nothing there that leads to that conclusion, so definitely am probably just setting myself up on this . . . but can’t help it.

“Lovegame”
I wanna kiss you. But if I do I might miss you babe. It’s complicated and stupid, got my ass squeezed by sexy Cupid. Guess he wants to play, wants to play, a love game, a love game.

Gracie said to me the other day something that has resonated with me for awhile. She said that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. It’s so true . . . the fact that I want to meet someone and have a relationship – and that I’m actively trying – is quite a change. I’m not known for patience (and neither is she) so that’s the hard part for me at this point. Just wondering when it will finally happen . . . Cupid needs to lay off for a bit.

“Poker Face”
A little gambling is fun when you’re with me, I love it! Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun, and baby when it’s love if it’s not rough it isn’t fun, fun.

I have to be careful right now. As I truly branch out and try to figure out who I am, I have to remember to stay true to myself. I’ve already been in a few situations that were a bit more than I expected . . . once in New Orleans and once in KC . . . and I have to be confident in who I am, what I want, and that I don’t need to settle. Dating is a lot like holding a revolver to your head, spinning the barrel, and pulling the trigger . . . really . . .

“Telephone”
Stop callin’, stop callin’, I don’t wanna think anymore. I left my head and my heart on the dance floor. Stop callin’, stop callin’, I don’t wanna talk anymore. I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.

An interesting twist that happened recently is that I was told I was too skinny to date. WTF?? That was a new twist for me . . . Evidently this guy who had approached me thought I was handsome, but not near big enough. Shame, b/c he was very cute, but I’m NOT about to gain (or lose) weight for anyone . . . this is just for me – it’s about being healthy. Which btw . . . I’m up to 174 lbs lost (woo hoo!)

“Boys Boys Boys”
Baby is a bad boy with some retro sneakers, let’s go see the Killer’s and make out in the bleachers. I like you a lot lot, think you’re really hot hot. Let’s go to the party heard our buddy is the DJ, don’t forget my lipstick I left it in your ashtray.

I swear more has been going on than me trying to find someone to date!!! It’s just a new facet in my life. School is going well, work is well . . . work . . . and I’m still in a great place mentally. I’ve totally stolen an idea from Gracie and I’ve started making accessories . . . but unlike her I’m not selling them, but rather keeping them to add to MY wardrobe.

“Just Dance”
Just dance, it’ll be okay. Just Dance, that record babe. Just Dance, it’ll be okay. Dance, Dance, Dance, Jus t Dance.

Life goes on. And I’m not gonna retreat at all . . . I’m glad I’m living it to the fullest and want to continue to do so. So, like Gaga says . . . “Just Dance , it’ll be okay!”

Poem: Inside

“Inside”

You’ve shared your pain
Let me know what it’s like when it rains.
You’ve put out that you’re unsure,
That you don’t want to hurt.
You said you tend to push away,
That you aren’t sure what you want this day.
But I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve seen the love you have inside.

You’ve shared your desires,
What makes the flame burn deep inside.
You’ve put out exactly what you chase,
You said that to me not to make haste,
From the wall, step outside,
I don’t know why you continue to hide.
But I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve seen the warmth you have inside.

You’ve shared your kind heart,
Shown every facet, even the dark parts.
You’ve put out that you like to repair,
The things that need a little bit of care.
Look at your soul, and help it mend
It's worth the time that you need to spend.
And I’m still here, arms open wide,
Because I’ve fallen for the light you have inside.

Bring on Year Two

Year one is officially in the books. Year two is off to a bang – how quickly things roll by. You turn around and just the amount of change that can take place in a life is sometimes a bit overwhelming. There are many theories out there about personality and such, and I won’t delve into them now – mainly b/c I’m not versed enough yet – but there is one that talks about every 10 years or so you have a transition in your life, and that transition can be quite big.

Welcome to my transition . . .

The quick, and obvious changes, are of course the external. In one year I’ve lost 165 pounds. I had a goal of getting under 300 by 2/26, and was off just by two days. Two days into my second year, the scale read 299. Next goal is 250 by August – that’s 49 pounds. I’m in a wedding out in San Diego and it’d be cool to be that small by the time the pics are taken. My health is in a good transition.

Also external – my career. For over 10 years, I’ve been an executive at Target working in their Distribution Centers. I’ve loved it – great company, better people, and they really take care of ya. However, it’s no longer my calling. My passion is to help people – maybe through their transitions – who knows. What I do know is that studying for psychology, although challenging at times, has been to date rather rewarding as well. I’ve learned more about myself and human interactions than I thought I would up to this point. The challenge has been daunting this semester – Taking half of a course load and working full time. But the bottom line is that I’m going to transition my career . . . another good transition.

Now one that’s not so obvious – unless you really, really know me. I’ve opened my heart, and am taking a risk. I’ve fallen for someone. I took down my walls and let someone in. I’m so scared about it, but am loving every minute of it. The polar opposites of emotion can sometimes be overwhelming – but that dichotomy of feeling by experiencing all that it has to offer has truly touched my soul. I’m not going to be so scared to love that I don’t ever try – I’ve got to Make It Happen if it’s going to. God only provides the opportunity, you have to walk through and seize the chance. We are learning together, how to take the walls down and trust each other. Yeah, my emotional health is in transition . . . for the better.

So, year one changed a lot, and it looks like Bob’s (or my lab band) second year is going to be just as full of twists and turns. Kinda like the rollercoasters that a certain someone and I are going to ride this summer . . . hold on tight kids – it’s going to be one helluva ride!

Oh – and the boa?? Yeah, I had to wear it to my surprise celebration my bff Gracie and Eric through for me . . . yeah it was a freaking BLAST!!