Olympic??

So - yeah...  the olympics are about to happen.  And don't get me wrong -- I love me some olympic competition...  but the commercialization is getting out right ridiculous.  Below are just some samples of crazy "olympic" items that made me think... really??

Olympic makeup -- for that gold medal face?  Or gold face?  Or metallic face?  I'm not sure about this at all....

The list is a little hygiene focused -- but do people really have odor so bad that they need deodorant that is an olympic champion level to contain it??  That's just NASTY! lol

Weird -- just weird, olympic lotion -- leave that up to your imaginations....

 Okay - this one gets style points -- an olympic ring toss game, and each ring is a different color to match the olympic rings...  this one kinda rocks...

WTF???  Gold metallic crocs with a union jack in the heel strap??  for $50??  BAHAHAHAHA!!!
(and keep in mind I do like my crocs)...  But the oddest thing I've found so far is this:

Olympic dog bag holders and bags....  OLYMPIC.... 

Back That Thing Up



My baby!!!

So, grant me my Andy Rooney moment here...  Maybe I'll be the next guy on 60 minutes at the end that talks about nothing important... lol!

Have you ever noticed what is on the back of vehicles today?  There's all kind of crazy stuff that people will put on the back of their cars and trucks to express themselves.  Sometimes it's a great form of self expression, and other times they probably should have kept it to themselves.  But hey -- it's America and we can freely self express -- and I can poke fun at it!

After all -- we get to interpret what we see...

So this guy was all over the board.  He likes honda motorcycles, drives a toyota truck, thinks VW's are biohazards, wants to eat, sleep, and rally, and finally likes to do illegal stuff.  Does anyone else picture a 40 something crossdresser driving this vehicle?  With bad makeup and hair?

Okay -- this one is organized, and interesting.  The tailgate has bulls.  The bottom of the window has naked chicks.  And the two stickers are of the Virgin Mary.  Sends a bit of a scary message if you ask me... although points for organization.

Yay for the Dallas Cowboys fan and supporting our troops -- but do we need to know that you are into watersports??

"Honk if you want some" -- no commentary needed LMAO!

You really shouldn't air out your family issues on the back of your car.  It appears the oldest child hacked up the younger ones in only what I can assume was a fit of rage!

Anyone imaging a rather large woman with workboots, jeans, a flannel shirt, and a mullet stepping out of this truck?  Probably with a cigarette in her mouth?  Just axin'....

ME TOO!!! (hahahaha)

As for mine??  Well obviously it says I'm a proud gay Texas A&M grad who loves still being a kid at heart!!!  ;)

And to think I got didn't get pulled over for driving through parking lots taking pics of cars... Was in the mood for a random blog and this filled in just right. 

www.dating.com

My computer!!  Sort of :)

So – it’s 2011 and there’s this handy little thing called an internet. It can help you find all kinds of things you never thought you needed – like superhero underwear, white watches, Disney branded gifts, even a pink A&M one-sie for your niece. It’s also makes finding things you need a lot easier – like a pizza for a party, scores from the latest basketball game (VCU?? Seriously??), hotel rooms in other states (NOLA! SD!), and yes – even a date.


That’s right kiddos – online dating is out there. You’ve seen the ads, from eHarmony, match.com, cupid.com, plentyofish.com (thx Gaga & Brit!), etc., etc. There’s even iPhone apps for it (Grindr for those that know) among others. So yes skittles, I have adventured into the world of online dating. It is 2011, and lets face it kids, there’s not a whole lot of options in Top City – but there really should be a translation book out there.

There’s just some real silliness posted out there online – so I thought I’d let you in on some of the stuff that makes me giggle or even outright laugh:

• The bare chest profile pic with phone/camera obstructing the face
Decoded: I’m not out of the closet. No relationship here, just – well – you know

• Same above, with the statement “Not looking to hookup”
Decoded: Yes you are

• Description of traits of an ideal guy that end with “Step to the front of the line”
Decoded: I’m desperate; I’ll go out with anyone. And I’ll trade up the first chance I get. How vain are you to think there is a line of men waiting to date you?  (And seriously – if there was actually a line would they be online??)

• Statement says “Your place only”
Decoded: I’m married/partnered and my wife/partner doesn’t know I’m cheating. Don’t tell!

• Ending a profile description that says “I don’t do drama!”
Decoded: Yes, you do. How would you know what drama is without doing it, and I’m guessing you are the main cause of said “drama” and therefore do “drama” a lot

• Having the terms “hot,” “sexy,” or “stud” in your signin
Decoded: I’m more into me than I am to you. And I know it too. Narcissism at its finest lol.

• Saying you are “discrete”
Decoded: You really mean “creepy” – you don’t want anyone to know what you are up to and that just makes me shiver

• And the one that makes me laugh the most – “Be masculine. I only like real men.”
Decoded: Hahahahaha – Are there really desperate women posing as gay men?

Good luck my fellow singles, straight, gay, lesbian, or bi – it’s a tough world out there!

Goodbye, Old Friends . . .

Oh, my dear, dear friends.  I'm not talking to you blog readers, but rather a pair of shoes.  Sound odd??  You should see the other 60 friends I have in my two closets . . . Now it doesn't seem so odd that I say goodbye to these old friends -- does it??  (or maybe it does, hehe)

The time has come, as in every relationship, to be honest.  Is it going to last?  Is it going to make it through the sands of time?  Or is it time to acknowledge the truth and part ways.  I think, at this point in our lives, it is indeed time to part ways.

Yes, I hear you friends.  You have carried me when I was at my heaviest.  When I couldn't make it more than 5 minutes on the treadmill.  I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without heavy breathing.  You were there with me . . .

But now where there once was joy, and triumph -- it's just pain now.  You don't support me the way you used to.  You don't carry me when I'm tired and down trodden as you did in the past.  Is there someone else?  Are you just tired of always being there?  I don't know why you've decided, after all the sweat, tears, and miles, to not do what you've always done.

I need -- no wait -- deserve to find someone that puts that extra spring in my step.  You no longer want to do that, or are able to . . . and I can't continue to let you hurt me the way you do now. 

So -- to you my dear friends -- my first pair of workout shoes since my lap bad surgery in Feb 09 -- I bid adieu.  I'll cherish the times together and what we were able to accomplish as a team. 

(chuckle)

Sorry, I'm Falling

I know I said it would never happen again, it’s not like I planned this out. You are sitting there looking at me tapping your foot and looking at me over the rim of your glasses like this was some sort of planned event. As if somehow, some way, this was all MY doing.

Seriously?? What control did I have? I was merely walking through the doors that were open. I can’t predict what’s up the road. I’m not freaking Ms. Cleo or anything. You can’t be mad about this forever you know . . . you just can’t.

Look – what did you EXPECT me to do? Explain that to me. What am I supposed to do when I’m faced with a situation like this? I did what you wanted for awhile, and neither of us were happy, at all . . . and now you get all mad because I decide to try something different?

Don’t blame me for wanting to be happy. And don’t act like I’m not aware of what all the risks are here. I know what they are, well some of them anyway. I still remember the pain from last time. It was a long time ago, but I remember. You’re not the only one.

So here’s the deal. I’m doing this. I’m gonna jump. I’m fully aware that there is no net. You want to jump with me, your choice. But I’m not sitting this one out. I’m not going to follow the same path over and over and expect things to change. That’s insanity . . .

I’m falling.

Christmas Irony

I want to start off by saying I absolutely, without a doubt, LOVE irony. How can you not?? I think it’s one of the things that makes life just too funny. If you can’t laugh at life – then there’s just not that much that is funny to ya . . .

So, with that in mind – let me tell you about my Christmas in Topeka. It actually begins in Texas, where I tell my parents that I really don’t think it’s gonna be a good idea for me to drive back down from Topeka on Christmas Eve b/c of the weather. They are predicting lots of snow, and I just don’t think it’s a good idea for me to drive in that kind of weather. They agree, and it’s settled. I am NOT leaving for Texas.

Now . . . not that I mind heading to Texas, but I was looking forward to a relaxing holiday and a little fun time with friends, not to mention 5 days off from work (that kinda rocks!). On Christmas Eve, as expected, I wake up to sleet and ice that quickly turns into the Christmas Blizzard of 2009. We broke a 100 year record for snowfall and well . . . good call on not leaving. Two friends come over to help me fix a drainage problem in my basement, and later I attend Christmas Eve service with a good friend. Mind you, it has been snowing STEADILY since noon . . .

I wake up on Christmas morning and am so excited!!! My first WHITE CHRISTMAS!!! How fun! I know what I’m going to do . . . I’m going to open the back of the car and listen to Christmas music while shoveling snow off the driveway. How Midwest of me!! So – I get thru RuPaul’s rendition of Santa Baby, and then move on to Mariah’s “All I Want for Christmas” when the radio shuts off. Hmmmmmm . . . that’s odd.

I go to see what happened, and the battery is dead. D-E-A-D . . . I suddenly go from a relaxed snow shoveler to a caged animal in a poorly attended zoo . . . AHHHH! I can’t go anywhere! I’m stranded in my own home!! On Christmas!!! UGH!!! (Irony #1 – was going to relax all week ANYWAY and now I’m so stressed out b/c I no longer have the OPTION to go anywhere)

So, the day after Christmas, my friend comes over to pick me up after I’ve gotten my battery (almost) completely disconnected from the car. We get in his car and, well, he gets stuck out in front of my street. See . . . Topeka doesn’t really do a good job of plowing the snow, and after a foot of snow and all the wind, one can tend to get stuck. My neighbor pulls us out – and we’re off to Big O’Tires to get a new battery.

On the way back to my house with new battery in hand, I suggest parking in the driveway across from my house b/c no one lives there (it’s for sale) AND there’s NO way you’d get stuck there. So he does and we get out and replace the battery. He backs out into the middle of the street . . . AND . . . he gets stuck again! So my neighbor AGAIN politely pulls us out of the snow in the middle of the street . . .

And as SOON as we get his car unstuck from the snow . . . the FREAKING SNOW PLOW turns on the street. SERIOUSLY??? NOW THE SNOW PLOW COMES??? What was even kind of funny was the snow plow got stuck in the street too! (Irony #2 – after pulling his car out twice from the snow, the snow plow comes to plow the road and gets stuck too)

Yeah . . . while it was kind of a frustrating experience to live through . . . looking back you kind of have to giggle about it.

Oh, and Gracie . . . you need to learn how to read the number of tags . . .it’s the number AFTER the tag . . . so you still have one more tag than he does you big ol’ diva!!! 

10 Reasons Football is Gay

Damn I love me some football!!!!

Many people don't realize this -- but football is kind of a gay sport. Seriously . . . (This is kind of a repost -- I couldn't find the original post so I just thought about it again and this is what I came up with) :)

There are just so many things about football that lend itself to gay culture - so for those who don't realize it I give you my 10 Reasons Football is Gay . . .

10. Coordinated outfits and matching accessories -- move past the matching uniforms and helmets -- but now there is coordinated gear to wear under your pads so your long sleeves match the uniform, colored athletic tape, arm pads, etc.

9. 5 or so old men wearing striped outfits with yellow hankies blowing whistles and waving their arms . . . big ol' queens there . . .

8. While everyone typically wears underwear that covers their entire rear, the undergarment designed for football is assless . . .

7. Have you SEEN the tight metallic pants that the players wear??? Who do you think designed those puppies??

6. when the ball goes out of the back of the endzone, you get a touch back (think about it for a minute -- it'll make sense)

5. Three words -- The Locker Room

4. Think real hard about how the ball is put into play . . . you'll see what I mean. Unless your team is a bunch of wusses and just does the shotgun.

3. Wide Receivers and Tight Ends

2. The innuendos by the sports casters -- in one broadcast you might here "He really stuck it in there," "They rammed it in thru the crease," or "They shoved it down their throats" . . . you can fit yours in here . . .

And #1 -- The Good Game Ass Slap

Discuss . . .

Return of the Guru

Alright my skittles . . . The Fashion Guru is baaaaack! It is time for me to impart some extremely importante information regarding certain fashion choices that have been working my last nerve. I am tired of walking around in all my fabulosity and having to be bombarded with some rather . . . well, disturbing selections that some of the less fortunate are making. Since my journeys have made me almost other-worldly, I'd like to impart my fashion wisdom. So today, there are 3 simple rules that I'd like everyone to follow for the rest of the summer.

Rule #1 - Read Instructions ~ Read instructions?? Yes dearies . . . if you were not aware many of today's ensembles come WITH INSTRUCTIONS! If you will just read the item's instructions you will not make a poor choice. Need an example?? Take "skinny jeans." This is such an easy instruction to follow - they are telling you if you are skinny, these are your jeans. If you are NOT SKINNY, these ARE NOT your jeans. It's just that easy! And skinny isn't if you line up all of your relatives at the Southern Deep Fried convention and you happen to be the smallest fatty that you are then skinny . . . skinny is NOT relative. Other examples -- mom jeans (jeans for mom), fitted tees (if they don't fit . . .), undershirts (rednecks - this means to wear 'under' another shirt - or to make it easier to understand you will end up wearing as many shirts as you have teeth). See?? That was easy.

Rule #2 - Ensure contents don't shift during travel ~ or in other words . . . wear undergarments! Ladies -- unless you are 24 with super perky boobs, you need to support your girls with some type of bra . . . any bra . . . seriously. Try the pencil test . . . If you can stick a pencil under your boob, and it stays, you need support. Gravity is the devil - and after nursing 3 children and gaining 40 lbs, you should not under ANY circumstances allow you girls to EVER be free . . . I'm not sure I'd even recommend them to be free EVER, but at least in public keep them contained. The last thing anyone wants to see is a couple of droopy orangutan boobies bouncin under some light cottony fabric. It's enough to make anyone wanna hurl.

Rule #3 - Also known as JJ's Golden Rule of Fashion - Just because it's your size does NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD WEAR IT!!! ~ Low rise jeans aren't meant to be warn by a size 24 women or 40" waisted man . . . they are just not! There is nothing sexy or alluring about someone that is wearing a pair of jeans that doesn't cover back fat or muffin top. NOTHING! Since you are not hot, (trust me, your not) your fashion choices should create the illusion that in a really dark bar with several drinks, you might be "cute". And if you are wearing something you shouldn't, it won't work.

Please, if you are one of the few gifted souls like me, help me help the fashionably challenged, or as I call them the FT's (Fashion-Tards), pass these rules along. It can only make the world a more beautiful place . . .

The Day After: My Liver is Clean

Don't I have the greatest team at work?? They are soooo cool . . .

WOW!! That's about all I can say at this moment in time. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I feel like an entire broadway cast did a tap dance number on the left side of my body, but other than that all is well :) Below (I didn't put it at the top) is believe it or not, a picture of the band IN my body. It's not that gross (blood wise) but didn't want to gross you out if you are squeamish.

Anyway . . . in true "Joe Joe" tradition, this too, was an entertaining adventure.

The day started with me heading to the pharmacy. The doctor told me he'd call my prescriptions into the pharmacy so we could pick them up, and I figured I'd try and do it before I got to the hospital and all drugged up. So I walk into the pharmacy and ask for my meds. She looks at me quite confused and says she doesn't have anything for me. Hmmm, okay I tell her. I let her know that my doctor will probably call you later. (Come to find out -- I went to the wrong pharmacy. There's only 2 in the town my parents live in, and I went to the wrong one -- go figure)

I enter the lobby of the building and right there is a Subway. Now, that's very good for everyone that can eat, but I've been fasting since 9pm the night before, and it's now 10:30am ... and I have to walk into a lobby that smells like freshly baked bread! Are you freaking kidding me???? I was like this is some freaking torture.

So, I get there and get into the fashionable buttless robe and get all hooked up to the machines that do heart and blood pressure. I also get an IV started. My two nurses "The Joans" because they are both named Joan, are two middle aged women that are hilarious. One takes to calling me "Lil' Bit". She asks me how long it's been since someone called me that, and I stated no one has EVER called me that. She laughs and then does a shimmy, shakin' her boobs at me. THAT was a bit odd, and she laughs again and asks if I feel better now. I just said sure because I was scared of what else might happen if I didn't . . .

The other Joan puts these leg compressor things on my legs to keep the blood in my legs moving during surgery to ensure I don't get any blood clots. What they do is compress each leg alternately, like you are walking. It was kind of a weird feeling because it really did make me feel like I was walking even though I was laying down. Almost like a calf massage . . .

Then the anastesiaologist comes by and wants to check me out. He puts the stehoscope on my bare back and DAMN it was cold!! Then the front . . . He then asks me to open my mouth up wide and tilt my head way back, and then says "Oh yeah. That looks great." Ummm, did anyone else's mind go where mine just went?? He then walks out.

My doctor shows up and says let's go, so they start injecting my IV with all kinds of stuff, including something that will either make me dizzy or laugh. Well -- I laughed . . . alot. The only thing I remember is that there are lights and gizmos beeping and everyone asking me what's so funny.....

And then I wake up in the recovery room. I have to drink some Barium while they zap my tummy to make sure that I can swallow (which I do) and then it's time to go. We left the hospital at around 2:30pm. Huh . . . not too shabby....

So now, I'm 24 hrs into a 48 hr broth, popsicle, jello, water diet. Odd thing is, I'm not overly hungry . . . at all. This thing is weird . . . but cool. I can only eat a half can of broth and a jello cup and I'm full for like 2 hrs. I graduate up in food intake over the next month. . . but this is gonna be interesting. Oh -- and I lost 17 lbs from my preop-diet.

I find out last night that the doctor was VERY impressed with my liver. He said it is VERY clean. So, that's why I attached the picture at the bottom, I wanted to show off my clean liver. It's the bright pink organ with the silver insturment touching it. I'm quite proud of that because I'm sure NO ONE has ever been told that before. And, I have proof . . . :)

I'm going to use and age old technique . . . Deflection

I have shown UNBELIEVABLE restraint on not posting or commenting on this picture. But I'm going to deflect now . . . and blame Thom (see his Ewww . . . posting) for letting this dark evil side of my personality out. (For those taking notes -- this is the ancient art of deflection. Trying to divert attention to someone else so they forget what you did.)

So, being from the country (and I ought to spell that kuntree based on where I'm from) anytime I go to a major city, I love it. Being the avid people watcher, having my attention diverted at any given moment, and having no control over my mouth in certain social situations, I'm pretty much gonna see and comment on anything I see. So, while snapping pictures of random people I work with playing in a fountain in downtown Kansas City, Ms. Hot Mess walks up.

I can't control myself. I'm not as good at self control as Thom. My mouth is moving drawing attention to this situation before that filter kicks in and stops me from sharing what I'm seeing. I really should see a specialist about it . . . it can be quite embarrassing . . .

This is how the scene plays out --

"Smile everyone!" goes the camera facing the fountain

"Oh, you want in the picture. Okay go ahead get in there." goes the camera facing the fountain

"Ok, now I want ----- oh no she is not -- oh hell no --" goes the camera facing to the left of the fountain, I'm still facing forward -- goes the camera facing the fountain taking a random picture so it appears I haven't really noticed her.

My coworker Alison (who knows my lack of tact and that I'm usually funny) begins to dart around and exclaim "What Joe?? What??"

"I'll show you in a minute . . . act casual"

I did. I couldn't pass up the moment to actually take this picture and share it. Yes, it's a train wreck, and yes, it's highly inappropriate. And it is also a bit sad . . . my heart goes out to her in that she feels this is her only option in life. But in the end it's also comedic (tragic, but still comedic). It was really funny . . . and I did black out the face so only the person actually wearing the outfit and working that street corner (or her pimp) will know for sure . . .

Oh, and Darin . . . yes I did actually post this!