Man in the Mirror

Man is it dusty on this thing . . . I just realized I hadn't blogged in like . . . um . . . I don't know, FOREVER!  My sis-in-law Vicki commented on it awhile back and basically chalked it up to a few things, I was happy, busy, and always on the go . . . and I think she was right.

But I miss the journaling, and dang it -- why can't I blog if I'm happy??  So here it goes . . .

Last night, for the first time in my adult life, along with my bff Gracie, I bought a full length mirror.  I know, doesn't sound all that impressive of a purchase, until you reflect on the journey I've been on the past few years.

I had never, ever, ever, wanted to see myself full body . . . and for good reason.  It meant I didn't have to deal with the weight I put on and how it looked.  However . . . those days are gone.  Lots of hard work and a few surgeries later (lap band in Feb '09, and an extended abdominoplasty in Aug '10), and I'm a 190 lbs lighter and a WHOLE lot thinner.

I like what I see in the mirror -- not because I'm super thin -- and not because I'm vain (shut up Gracie! lol) -- but because I see a happy, healthy, excited me.  I did one of the hardest things in my life, I made a change -- a pretty big one.  I will say this much -- and it definitely comes from experience -- If you're not happy about something, look at the person in the mirror.  Because THAT is the only person that can make it better.

(Had to disable comments b/c I was getting comment spam out the ying yang -- but since everyone is on fb anyway . . . just comment there if you'd like - thx jj)

The Last Leg

I hope everyone is having a great Memorial Day -- either attending services, visting with family, or hanging with friends! As you can tell by the pic -- I'm chilling with my bff today just hanging. After a little Panera and Starbucks -- we journeyed back home for some visting and blogging. After all -- we are some blog divas. (And she FINALLY did a post on our blog -- you can see it here --> Grace & Joe Show)

This Memorial Day finds me at a plateau and a decision. I've pretty much been bouncing within the same five lbs range weight wise for about 2 months now. It's pretty frustrating, but to be expected. I've lost a full grown man in weight already . . . so there's going to be a time when my body slows down -- and it's happened. Not to worry -- I'm still positive and working out on a regular basis, just ready for the engine to get fired up again.

Which brings me to my decision. For awhile I've known I would have to go back under the knife to have extra tissue removed. It's inevitable with a large and relatively quick weight loss. They wait for your weight to somewhat stabelize, and then look to see if you're ready to have the tissue removed.

I visited with a surgeon the other day and was quite surprised when he said I'm ready. He said based on the amount of time since my surgery, my stable weight, and how my skin hangs, it's time to think seriously about the removal of the tissue. A bit scary, both because of cost and because of what it entails, but here I am.

Sometimes I feel like I've been running a race, and this is the last leg of it. I'm very thankful for all the support of my friends and family thus far, and am excited to run the last leg of this race . . . not that it ever really ends, but you get the idea. It's weird to be at this point when I never thought I'd get there . . . but here I am.

And here I go . . .

Pretty Face

Well, this is a bit of an unexpected surprise. Originally, I was just going to post the poem I finally have hashed out from a line I wrote down while walking on campus (and I still did, it’s below this brief entry), but on the way home I decided that I’d shave off my goatee. So I did. And something a bit unexpected happened . . .

I like the face I saw that was looking back at me. Kind of cool . . . See, about 4 years ago, I grew my goatee to hide my double (okay, quadruple) chin. Everytime I decided to shave it off, I would look in the mirror and shudder. I hated the site of my big ol’ face and all those chins, so I promptly grew it right back. What’s funny, is that most people here in Topeka know me WITH the facial hair, yet most of the people in Texas know me without it. Dilemma . . . (Side Note – Gracie is partial to the goatee, but not for the reason I cited for growing it. She just likes it on me.)

So, in a way, like so many things in my life, I was hiding behind that goatee. Well, I’m not anymore . . . I think I’m going to attempt to stay clean shaven for awhile . . . This is getting interesting . . .

Here’s that poem that came from the line “Beauty fades, Love remains” that I jotted down while walking from class . . .

“Love Remains”

I know you saw it,
I saw it too.
Strutting on by,
Turning every eye in the room.
Following the steps,
Following the bounce,
Hypnotized by the creation,
The conquest,
The challenge.
Hard to remember,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know you lost your breath,
I lost mine too.
The gentle touch
Unleashing lightening thru skin.
Yearning for the look,
Yearning for more,
Infatuated with the possibility
The experience
The night.
Hard to understand,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know your body trembled,
Mine trembled too.
The gentle touch of a kiss
Blurring judgment and animal lust
Craving the satisfaction
Craving the desire
Focused on only one thing,
Only on one need,
One act.
Hard to recall,
When beauty fades,
Only love will remain.

I know your heart is alone,
Mine is too.
No loving embrace
Welcoming the dawn of another day.
Hiding from the risk
Hiding from the pain
Missed a true chance
A true experience
A true love.
Only now remembering
Beauty will fade,
And only those with love will remain.

Making it Happen

Wow, today was a bit of an unexpected emotional release day. After church today, as I’m accustomed to do, I headed to the gym for a workout. Tomorrow I start working out with Sean three times a week until the end of February . . . I’m gonna be sooooooo sore!

I did abs, a 12 min on the elliptical (felt good, hadn’t done that machine in a while), and 10 min on the treadmill for a cool down. I had my heart rate over 150 so didn’t want push too hard. I tend to get light headed . . . but not the point of the entry here.

I took my shower and then weighed myself, and that’s when I looked down and saw that I weighed 315.5 lbs. To think that less than a year ago, I weighed 465.4 lbs is a bit insane. It just hit me on what I’m accomplishing. It’s like all at once I just couldn’t help it, and I cried. It wasn’t a bad cry, but a releasing cry.

So there I was, sitting on a chair in the shower room (thank goodness it’s a private shower room!), with my towel around my waste, crying. I never thought this was ever going to happen. I’m sure over the next year, there will be more times that this is going to happen, and I’m okay with it. Especially if I get over 300 . . .

As I’m sure everyone’s noticed I’ve been a bit emotional as of late anyway, so I guess it’s just gonna be that way for awhile.

Lastly, I’ll point the new section on the right, my “Song on the Soundtrack of my Life” – mainly b/c it’s “Make It Happen” by Mariah Carey. I have been living the chorus of this song for awhile now. If they ever, ever, ever made a lifetime movie about my life, this song would HAVE to be in it.

If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want
You’re gonna make it happen, make it happen.
And if you get down on your knees at night and pray to the lord
He’s gonna make it happen, make it happen.

My Anytime Fitness Story

As many of you know, I regularly work out at Anytime Fitness. Well, I've been asked to write up "My Story" so that others could be motivated by it. I thought since I was doing it there, I'd also post it here. So . . . following is MY Anytime Fitness Story . . .

Before January 2009, my health had been on a steady decline, and the last 5 years it was running down fast. My weight had ballooned to 465 lbs. My cholestrol was off the charts. My blood pressure was 160/100. My blood sugar levels were regularly over 150. I had been hospitalized twice for depression. In short, I wasn't happy, healthy, and I feared that I would die young.

I had turned to food to help me cope with problems. Whether it was my self esteem, not being happy about something at work, my plans getting ruined, etc. -- I would eat something and feel better. As I got bigger, I became more isolated. I didn't really date anyone. I had very few friends, and didn't really do much other than sleep, eat, sit on the couch and watch tv, and work.

Then, after a visit home for Christmas with my family, I had decided to make a change. I was done feeling sorry for myself and not doing anything about it. I weighed almost a QUARTER OF A TON and I was just about done with it. I needed to change my life - and that meant changing how I eat and exercise.

To tackle eating, I went to the doctor and on Feb. 26, 2009, I underwent the lap band procedure. This tool enabled me to control my binge eating and forced me to learn how to eat right. I had to read labels to see what was in the food I was eating, and I had to make good choices about what I ate because I could only eat a small amount.

For exercise, I started walking. After surgery my doctor told me to just walk. So I did. I started by walking around the block at home. Then down to the nearest main avenue six blocks away. On nice days, I took my dog Ragan and walked to the park and played frisbee with him. But I found that I was finding too many excuses still to not follow through with the walking. It was hot, or it was raining, or I was bored walking, or (fill in whatever excuse would work).

So, in April of 2009, my birthday present was to join Anytime Fitness. I needed a place that was open whenever the mood struck me (removed my the club not open excuse), was a half mile from my house (removed my gym to far out of the way excuse), had private showers (removed the being embarrassed to take a shower excuse), and was supportive (removed the everyone is going to make fun of me excuse).

The staff at Anytime Fitness were extremely helpful in offering suggestions on workouts and showed me how to use the various types of equipment. I was able to do certain exercises and routines, and started to lose more weight and feel better about myself.

As time went on, more weight started coming off. I added more exercises to my routines, and started coming more often. This former QUARTER TON COUCH POTATO was well on his way to becoming an official GYM RAT!

For the first time in a long time, I was proud of myself. I was happy at the decisions I was making and exctatic with the results I was seeing. I took pride in the fact that 4 times a week or more, I was going to the gym to work out. It was getting me out of the house, relieving stress, and helping me lose weight quickly.

The strange thing, is that when you become happy with yourself, others begin to change their perceptions of you. All the negative feelings and emotions I was experiencing started to give way to positive ones. I went out with friends more. I visited with family more often. I started dating. I became involved in church. I went back to college to work on a Psychology degree. I became, well, for lack of a better word, busy. AND I LOVE IT! I can't believe that I used to lose my breath walking up a flight of stairs and now I go almost non-stop from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. People tell me I'm now the energizer bunny!

To date, I've lost 148 lbs. Feb 26,2010 is my anniversary date of my surgery, and it's almost unbelievable that I am about to type this next statement -- I have a shot at being under 300 lbs for the first time in over a decade by that date! I have 17 more lbs. to lose. I'm going to start training with Sean of Anytime Fitness three times a week next week, and with some hard work, good eating decisions, and a little luck, when I step on the scales on that day, I will weigh less than 300 lbs.

My story isn't over . . . it's just beginning. I can't wait for the next chapter . . .

100th Post: Winning

For my 100th post on this blog, I wanted to share something a bit personal and what most people would deem embarrassing or shameful. The reason I share so much about what I’ve been through and where I’m heading is that there shouldn’t be a social stigma for someone suffering from a mental illness, or any illness for that matter. As I continue to work on becoming a Clinical Psychologist, one of the most powerful things I am armed with is my experiences, my story. Here’s another chapter . . .

For the past 5 years, I was a hoarder. A hoarder is someone that, for some reason or another, can not throw anything away. They collect everything – and I do mean everything. Right now, the Mental Health Community isn’t even quite sure exactly how to treat or classify hoarding. It could end up being a separate diagnosis all on it’s own, or a subset of OCD.

One of the mysteries to hoarding, which in turn makes it hard to treat, is why people do it. There’s not one specific answer or cause. My reason started off simply enough . . . I liked to shop. I liked to buy things. I wasn’t happy and I’d get up, go shopping, buy something . . . and feel better. As time drug on, I ended up buying more and more of the same stuff.

Then, some where down the line, I stopped throwing stuff away. I got paranoid that someone might come into my home – they might actually want to come in my house! That kind of freaked me out. My home was my safety – my place to hide from the world. So if my home was not “clean”, therefore no one could come over. It wouldn’t be proper to entertain when your home is not “clean.” It became a very effective way to keep a barrier between me and the rest of the world.

I liked the isolation, and being burrowed in my little hole . . . for awhile. Then something unexpected happened. I met my best friend. Someone that loved me for all of who I am, and she didn’t care about my issues, she just wanted to help me b/c she loved me for who I am. That was kind of cool – and different. I let her in. Not my home mind you . . . but my heart. She didn’t press coming over, she understood. She just let me know that at some point, she wanted to come over. She offered so many times to help me clean, to help me get through it. But I said no . . . inside I felt it had to be something I did myself.

Another thing happened, quite recently. I met someone else. Something completely unexpected happened . . . we went out . . . and the unexpected part was that we had fun – I ENJOYED IT! One night with him showed me the last missing piece – and gave me the rest of the motivation I needed. I realized that I really, REALLY did want to have someone in my life, and in order to do that – I had to stop hoarding. I had to let go of my fear of getting hurt, because in life – you get hurt. I had to tear down the last walls of isolation I had built.

In 5 years I had filled up my 870 sq. foot home with crap. In 4 days, it was clean. (Yes, that picture is a partial picture of everything I threw away . . . there was more than I could get in one shot) It was over . . . all of it was finally over. In the end, I did it. I beat it. I got thru the PTSD, I got over the depression, I reconnected with so many that I’d lost touch with, I am beating my weight issue, and I no longer hoard. I can’t thank God enough for all the blessings he's given me and continues to provide.

With tears of joy in my eyes I say thank you. Thank you for reading this, thank you for learning about me, thank you for understanding. 2009 was one helluva year . . . and 2010 is going to be better. Here’s to another 100 blog entries . . .

My New Year's Resolution

I realized something today that I didn’t quite have my hands around. It sounds a bit weird, but don’t judge. You have to walk in someone else’s shoes to get it sometimes. I don’t know how to be happy. It doesn’t mean that I have never been happy, or felt happy, but for the first time in a long, long time – I’m actually happy. It really weirds me out – I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and it is totally stressing me out.

I don’t trust that life can be this good. And believe me . . . it’s really, REALLY good. With all the changes going on this year, my outlook and attitude was bound to change . . . but this whole “happy” thing is new. I have had so many people over the past few months (and at home last weekend) comment on how happy I am. People never really used words like happy, content, satisfied, at peace, etc. when describing me. They do now . . . spooky . . .

So – if you haven’t been following (and so I can remind myself) here’s the year in a quick run down . . .

January – after being told that it’d take six months to get approval for lapband surgery, it’s approved in two weeks
February – 26th of Feb – last step of reclaiming my life back – I get my band
March/April – recoop at home and get to spend some time with the family – it was awesome!
May – decide to go back to school to become a Therapist – apply at Washburn University
June – Take my first college course, get an A! Intro to Psych in the books – loved it!
August – I’ve lost 100 lbs! Seriously!!! 10 days shy of six months!!! WHAT???
September – Off and running on my first semester back in school – juggling work and school is quite a challenge but am enjoying it
October – My BFF ties the knot in a beautiful ceremony AND my newest niece, McKenzie Grace is born.
November – Just taking a deep breath. School is almost over and weight loss is good.
December – Ready for this?? Got my first collegiate 4.0, Got a 1230 on my GRE (needed a 1200), went on a FANTASTIC date, met someone who is at the very least a great friend and hopefully wants to be more, got to hold my niece for the first time, saw my family the weekend before Christmas, AND – I can buy clothes off the rack!! I wear XXL shirts now (in most brands) instead of a 7XB (which means 7XL cut really big for my belly). I’m smaller than when I MOVED to Kansas 5 years ago . . .

This all hit me last night while at Christmas Eve service. I am so incredibly humbled by the blessings I’ve received this year, and it’s just so much to take in. I don’t know how to handle it . . . I keep looking over my shoulder.

So – my New Year’s Resolution – and I’m really going to do this – is to just sit back and enjoy life for what it is. I’m going to stop looking around for the bad coming, and instead enjoy the good.

Damn, I’m such a drama queen . . .

My Best Week Ever

What's up kids??

Yes, the title says it all -- I officially think this past week definitely qualifies as my BEST WEEK EVER. I want to know right now where VH1 is and why they aren't talking about me. Seriously . . . who wouldn't want to talk about me?? Let's go through the week and I'll explain why this really had to have been, literally, the best week ever.

It starts on Saturday, 12/5/09. A random lunch turns into an evening in Kansas City that will always be remembered. All I'm gonna say is that there was dancing, good music, great company, and fireflies in the stomach. We didn't even get back to Topeka until 6 in the freaking morning!! And remind me not to EVER drink rum again (and no I didn't drive) . . .

Monday, 12/7/09 - Statistics final. Can you say NERVE RACKING?? I'm currently sitting on a 91 in the class, and it's the only class that I don't have an "A" locked up. While I've always been quite studious -- I'd never pulled off the mythical 4.0 in college. This was as close as I've ever been to it. So, with studying behind me and nerves all bundled up -- I took the test. Mind you my other 2 test grades in the course were an 89 and an 82 (thank goodness for homework!). I felt very confident walking out of the test that I did pretty good.

Tuesday, 12/8/09 - Studying for GRE. The highest I'd gotten on any practice exam was an 1120 (ironically, what I got on my SATs EONS ago . . . ). My Abnormal Psych prof (side note -- love her!) told me to get flashcards to help with the vocab thing so that's what I bought to focus on.

Wednesday, 12/9/09 -- YES!!! I got a 92 on my STAT FINAL!!!! First ever collegiate 4.0 is in the books!!

Friday, 12/11/09 -- Woke up and went to work out. Got on the scale and it reflects that I'd lost 142 lbs! DAMN!!! Talk about a confidence boost. Run into a good friend that I hadn't been able to catch up with at Panera while having my pre-GRE breakfast and got to catch up. He's getting married!!! YAY!!! I then head to the mall to do some retail therapy (aka Christmas shopping) to calm my nerves and I get the sweetest text telling me to relax, I'm gonna do well, and to remember "Footprints in the Sand" . . . Three sets . . . It was what I needed. I walked out with a 1230 and was in utter disbelief! This is the first time that I actually realized that I'm going to be a psychologist. I'm going to be able to help people thru what I've gone thru. It was all a bit overwhelming to be honest. To top off the evening . . . went out and celebrated and had another great time. Again . . . must remember to not drink rum . . .

Saturday, 12/12/09 -- My house is officially clean. I'll do a whole seperate entry for this later, but in a nutshell I was a hoarder. If you don't know what that is there is a show on A&E that does a great job at dipicting it. It's pretty rough to get thru -- and harder to clean up from. I'd been working on the house all weekend and was able to get it completely cleaned up. I can't even describe what a fantastic feeling it is to FINALLY be over and done with that . . . Now it's just working on building the habit strength to prevent it again.

Sunday, 12/13/09 -- Was asked to do a reading with my good friend and Lap Band buddy Annette at church. We are kindred spirits, and I was touched that we were asked to do it together. She's my sweetie! Later that day, Gracie came over to my house for the first time. That was awesome to have my bff come over and be able to see my home without the shame or embarrassment of it being all messy and gross.

Monday, 12/14/09 -- After working out and weighing myself -- I'm now down 144 lbs!!! Are you kidding me??? Gracie said that I'd be at 150 by the new year and I didn't believe her . . . but damn I'm getting close now!!

Whew . . . it's all I can do to just drink my Starbucks and not run around screaming at the top of my lungs right now . . . I'm so thankful for this past week . . . and while I know they won't all measure up to what took place, I look forward to them all with anticipation.

Happy Christmas! (I love the British for that phrase!)

Off the Rack

Most people in the world here the term "off the rack" and think of rich people that order custom apparel and us "normal" folk have to buy clothes that aren't custom made to our bodies off the sales rack. Well . . . that's one meaning -- but another meaning is for those of that have struggled with our weight.

See - once you reach a certain size, you are no longer able to go into any store and buy anything there. See, they don't really make your size. So - you are shuffled off to the specialty stores to buy clothing that fits -- at exhorbitent prices.

Well today, after about 8 years of shopping in specialty stores -- I can PROUDLY say that I bought some clothing OFF THE F'KN RACK!!!! Yes, ladies and gents -- today is a day of freedom for me - of overpriced underwear (instead of 2 for $20 I can get 4 for $9), going bankrupt for a shirt, and basically getting killed at the register for a tshirt.

Today, at Target (of course!), I bought a pack of 2XL underwear (boxer briefs -- what else would I wear?) and some workout shirts that were 2XL. To give you a comparison -- I was wearing 7XL clothes before the surgery. Um . . . That's like holding a 2XL shirt next to a men's XS shirt . . . It's still kinda hard to fully grasp.

Pant size is getting close to off the rack territory as well. Was wearing a (so embarrassed to write this) 64" pant size, and now can fit into a 48" pant. Four more inches will put me in off the rack territory as well. I feel like running around screaming like a school girl -- but I won't. How about I just smile really big? :D

The ab routine is really working out well - as I've lost 7 lbs this week. I had to call the doc b/c he wanted me to tell him if I lose over 5 in one week - but all is fine. It's just the workout. I'm now down 142 lbs . . . 24 more lbs and I'll be under 300 -- and that's been a LONG time coming.

My Weightloss Sistas

How about this for some bravery -- that is my current weight as of 11/29/2009 just after noon. Most people might not be excited that their weight is just a smidge under 330, but honey -- I am. I'm down 135 lbs . . . and that ab routine I started a few weeks ago -- yeah, it's working!

However -- this isn't a post about my weightloss journey, but how our journey is going. See -- I thought I was all alone on this weight loss thing. No one around that would really get - or understand the struggles. Who could relate to wanting "one more chip at 3am" or "two more pizza slices are fine -- who cares if it finished the large pizza??" I was ready to roll my sleeves up and fight this all by myself.

That's when God reminded me that I'm not alone. Not by a LONG shot. Not only is he with me on this trek, but two of the sweetest ladies I know have confided in me (and others) that they are on this journey too. I do believe he brought us together - for support and encouragement. It's so much easier knowing that someone you know totally gets it. They understand the struggles -- truly understand it all. They know the satisfaction in walking past a plate of cookies -- and how unbelievably difficult that task actually is.

So Cindy & Annette -- this is for you . . . (and me too) . . . I'm so proud of my Weight Loss Sistas!!

Being Cold, Overpriced Coffee, and Being Thankful

As this holiday season fast approaches, everyone comes up with a list of what they are thankful. Not being one to buck tradition (you can stop laughing now) -- I'd like to give you my list of things I am thankful for, in no particular order . . .

1. I am thankful for getting cold.

Getting cold?? Why on earth would I be thankful for that?? Well simply put, I've NEVER been someone that got cold. I was always hot, sweating, and out of breath. Now, after everything this year and going into this winter -- I get cold!! I have to wear long sleeves and coats and everything!! Who knew?? Losing 129 lbs will do that to ya ;)

2. I am thankful for not being able to get enough sleep.

Really . . . I am completely excited about this. In a nutshell -- I've spent so many years of my life passing me by that I want to make up for living. Who has time to sleep?? Don't get me wrong, there are days when a girl needs her rest -- but those days have become few and far between. I absolutely love going to school, having a steady job (and therefore income), and all the friends I have. I don't want to sleep my time away with all this going on around me. Besides . . . that's what STARBUCKS is for . . . right??

3. I am thankful because I have to pay bills.

Picking up on the theme yet -- complaints are also reasons why we are happy. It's all on how you look at it. Who doesn't hate paying the mortgage, car note, credit card bill, etc? However, consider this outlook . . . if you have these bills to pay then you have a car, a home, probably some nice things, and a few bucks left over for some nice things. Yeah -- paying bills is a good thing!

4. I am thankful for Overpriced Coffee.

So I thought about what kind of category this would end up being, and this is what popped up. I enjoy studying, visiting, looking at the cute guys at Starbucks. I've quickly become a regular, as the staff knows my name and what I want (usually a carmel light frappucino, but lately totally into the peppermint mocha light frappucino). Plus it's the perfect setting for a great conversation with my bff . . . Creepy Manager Guy was going to be the other choice for this one since Gracie and I are total regulars at Panera as well.

5. I am thankful for texting.

Admit it -- those of you with iPhones are totally in love with it! It turned an anti-Apple guy into a total softy for iPhone. So I love my iPhone, but more importantly I love the people that text/call/email me on it on a regular basis. Every person in my contact list has had some effect on my life, and I am grateful for that impact they've had. People are not static, we are always changing. And one major way that everyone has an impact on me is through my phone. Even CrackBook is an iPhone App!

So hopefully this little list of mine finds you in good humor, good health, but most importantly, good times. God Bless you, your family & your friends. Those of you travelling for Turkey Day, be safe!! And think about all that gets on your nerves, and you just might find what you are truly thankful for . . . :)

Gym, Lunch, Tears, Scarves

I realized I haven't actually just randomly "journaled" in awhile, and really thought today would be a nice day to do so . . .

The day started with Ragan trying to push me off the bed at 10:00am probably b/c either he needed to go outside, or he hid a chewie under my pillow and now couldn't get to it. I woke up and promptly cuddled with the pooch for a bit (he's a bit needy) and then headed to the gym. Today was just a light cardio day - and today's first great event happened . . . I fell off the plateau!!! My body is starting to lose weight again . . . two pounds this week for a total of 96. That's freaking AWESOME!!!

So then, all showered, cologned, and nervous . . . I go on a date. (No - it is NOT the guy that was the DFH from a few weeks ago) We went to HuHot and had a great time, good lunch, and just all in all good visit. He's quite the charmer and has a nice smile . . . but that's all you get for now. Gonna keep the rest secret cuz I don't wanna jinx it. (If you're keeping count - that's great event #2 for the day)

I decide after lunch that I need to go check out the big boy clothing store b/c it's clearance time and they usually have a shirt or two that I like to buy for pretty cheap. PLUS . . . everyone is riding me to get a smaller size shirt b/c all my clothes are 2 sizes to big now. I go and hit up the size down from what I had on. (I started at a 6x, was wearing a 5x, and was happy that the 4x's were fitting). So, I find a really cute one on the rack (gonna wear it on my date this weekend!) and then the sales lady is like -- Joe, you can wear a size smaller than that!

I don't really think I can . . . but she insists and so I grab a 3x and head back into the dressing room. Side note -- (and this is kind of important) -- I have been struggling to actually SEE the weight loss change. I see myself everyday - and the baggy clothes don't help (cuz I still see what's underneath) - so it's where I struggle. It's common among those with rapid weight loss b/c the mind doesn't quite grasp the changes as quickly as they are actually happening.

Sooooooo, I try on the shirt and then step out and look in the mirror. And I cry. Just a little but they were DEFINITELY tears of joy. It fit . . . and for the first time I could actually SEE how much weight I had lost on my body. I really wasn't ready to see that, but then not sure if you ever really are, but it was a bit overwhelming. This definitely ranks as great event #3.

In celebration of a rather glorious day . . . I go to Target and buy some scarves - from the mens section (Gracie!!) . . . so all in all - today was fantastic and I am quite content. Haven't had many great days like today so gonna just enjoy it for awhile . . .

(oh, and I'm off work tonight AND tomorrow night!!!)

Feeling Much Butter, So to Speak

You probably are thinking that the title of this little entry is a typo . . . but it's not. Not by a long shot . . . but we'll get to that.

I haven't blogged solely about the whole lap band experience for a bit, and that's b/c I've been a bit preoccupied - but time for self reflection is now. I go in tomorrow for my third fill - and it's much needed.

While the weight loss is still fantastic, I've been eating more than I should. I'm supposed to eat until I'm not hungry, and while I still eat small portions, I've graduated from 3 to 4 meals over the past few weeks to keep me satiated. That's just too many. I did skip my last fill appointment b/c things were going so well - so this is not at all unexpected or a concern. I just want to make sure all is a-okay inside.

So, that brings me to this -- as of right now I've lost 74 pounds. That's a lot!! I couldn't even visualize how much that is or what it looks like, so I did some computations and research, and I thought this might help line it up for ya. Below is a list of items that weigh 74 lbs . . .

• 32,560 mosquitos
• 2,041 compact discs
• 8.5 gallons of milk
• 15,392 pennies
• 252 iPhones
• roughly 3.5 bags of dog food
• about 5 15 lbs bowling balls
• 23 of my laptop computers
• 9 Wilson Kitty's
• almost 1 Ragan
• 29 pairs of shoes
• 148 double whoppers
• and for a visual effect - 4 sticks of butter is roughly the size and consistency of 1 pound of fat - so that's 296 sticks of butter (Paula Dean would be appauled)

Now THAT'S putting it into perspective. I find myself speechless at times, and not able to put into words what's going on in my life. As many of you know, I do believe in God - and he is very strong in my life right now. I feel very blessed to be able to even type these results - it's very humbling, and at the same time very, very liberating!

This past week - I've had several "firsts" that I haven't been able (or comfortable) to do in a long time -- I put down the armrest in between the driver's and passengers seat of my car, I tucked in my shirt (still wasn't totally comfortable with that), I walked 3 miles for the Memory Walk 2009 for Alzheimer's (btw thx donors!!), and have the energy to work full time, go to school, and work out. Crazy I know . . .

So - to put it in another way - I'm feeling much, much butter, thank you!

A lot goin' on . . .

Funny how things are grouped together even when you don't plan it. Makes you busy, busy, busy. Main difference for me this time around is that I'm enjoying the heck out of almost everything! As I try to hydrate for tomorrow, here's some brief updates to catch y'all up . . .

Memory Walk 2009 is tomorrow.

I'm excited to do it -- and am truly thankful to everyone that donated to help me crush my fund raising goal! I raised $350 to help fight Alzheimer's!! Tomorrow should be nice so can't wait to do the three mile trek.

School is going fantastically. I was worried about starting back again and how it would all go, but it's been such an awesome experience. I approach college this time around in a different way, more like a job for lack of a better analogy -- and half way thru my first course I've got an A!

Work is work . . . blah!

I've lost 72 lbs!!! I have a doctor's appointment for my next fill for my band, and it's time to get one. Over the past 2 weeks, I've been quite hungry and have eaten more than I have been in the past. So - that means it's time to get my band adjusted. I've had 2 adjustments, and I'm supposed to have 3 to 6 fills to get the band in the right spot, so it's time.

Going back home in August to see my Dad show the Gran Torino he restored at a car show in Ft. Worth. I haven't been back since my surgery so I'm excited to see them and show them my results.

And finally . . . I caved. I got an iPhone today . . . and YES as much as I am LOATHED to admit it - I love it.

Well -- that's pretty much it for now I think . . . so wish me luck tomorrow!

EZ Weight Loss my Arse!

Okay - so I'm about sick of all the easy weightloss plugs that are out there today. Yes kids, it's been awhile, but here's a rant for ya . . .

First of all -- If I have to see the Nutrisystem ad one more time I'm gonna scream. Read the small print -- "results not typical". My problem with that is that they even put that up when Dan Marino talks - and he only lost 22lbs!!!! What kind of program are you trying to sell if the results are not typical that you can't even guarantee someone losing 20 freaking lbs! What a crock!

Then -- there's this new ad thing I keep seeing on facebook for something called "the pink patch". A--I'm assuming it's for women only. And B--putting a patch on your belly isn't going to make you look like the models that are photographed on the ad. I mean seriously . . . if a damn patch was all that was required then wouldn't we all be walkin' around with it??

Don't even get me started on this goober trying to push "The Fat Switch" crap on people. His claim is that he lost over 200 lbs without strenuous exercise and ate all and whatever he wanted and it just melted away . . . Really?? A Fat Switch?? How about I bring my Snake Oil Salesmen meter around you and see if it goes off or not . . . What do ya know -- it does!

There's only 2 things you can do to lose weight and keep it off -- eat less and exercise. And yes, the exercise will make you tired and your muscles sore . . . but it feeeeeeeeeeeeels soooooooooo gooooooooood . . . yeah, I'm kind of addicted to it now. I just needed to rant about this b/c I'm starting to see these ads next to my blog on fb b/c of it's topics, and it ticks me off. There are tools and (obviously) procedures that can help you eat less, but you still gotta work out! Okay . . . back to normal now . . .

Oh -- and I'm totally sportin' the 60 lbs shoes today!!! That's right kids . . . 60 lbs and loving it!

Day 66: 8 inches and 51 pounds

I'm FIFTY and LOVING IT!!! I just had to put a pic of the great Molly Shannon as the incomprable Sally O'Malley for this post - b/c I thought it was rather fitting.

So, the entire weekend I struggled with what to blog. Seems many have given up their blogs or have focused on, well, life -- but for me the journaling has and must continue. It's a way to capture the emotion, capture the feeling of this journey. AND it's now a tool to help motivate others that are walking the same path as I am. Two people that I know of are getting LapBands and have been following my adventures to see what they are getting into. So -- I also kind of fill an obligation, in a good way, to update my milestones.

So - this week was interesting. I had what initially was diagnosed as a belly button hernia, then an abdominal wall strain, to finally a sub-dermal infection. The last one proved to be correct, as the antibiotics cleared up the issue. They aren't positive how it happened, but think it could have been related to my last fill - where the doc had some issues finding my port and left me with a bruise. Anyway . . . not the real point.

There seems to be a million things that are different about my life in such a short time, that it's hard to capture them all. Below is a list of things that I now do that I didn't before the surgery - it kind of catches me off guard at how much I let life slip by me before, and I'm determined not to do that anymore. So, without further ado - the list of how things change after your first 50 pounds . . .

1. I work out almost every single day. Usually walking at least a mile on the treadmill and some light weights.


2. I attend church on a regular basis. MCC Topeka has become my church home, and I'm truly thankful for being so welcomed there. I even volunteered to help with this year's pride picnic -- that ought to be an adventure in itself!


3. I wake up every day between 9:30 and 10am. I hate it sometimes b/c it's so dang early, but I look at it as I've slept a lot in the past, so now I'm making up for all that.


4. Yard work -- seriously! I haven't done any yardwork in over 2 years -- that's not a lie. Today, I spent 4 hrs cutting back everything in my yard I can get to -- and now I don't know what to do with all the limbs . . . oy! Good problem to have though -- the yard looks about a million times better.


5. Read food product labels -- I can't believe this one. I literally won't buy a soup that's over 300 calories/can and you get less calories from jello brand fruit in jello than you do in dole fruit in gel -- put that in your pipe and smoke it. (plus pear w/pomegranate jello is to die for!)


6. Am excited about my career - the one I'm going to school for! Where I work has been wonderful for me, but it's not my calling. Helping others is and I'm looking forward to tackling it, both the good and bad.


7. Cooking -- I never cooked. I just swung by and got whatever was premaid or in the drive thru . . . gee! No wonder I topped out at 465 . . . Now I grill fish almost every day and really don't eat much beef at all.


8. Drink water -- a lot of water. I drink close to 64oz of water every day now - no pop will do that to you. My skin is better, I feel better and more energized, and I'm hydrated!


9. I get cold. Not something I'm used to experiencing - but now I am. I am no longer hot or sweaty all the time - and a big part of this I know is the exercise and eating right. It's great to be comfortable like everyone else.


10. I have hair growing back! Okay, not on my head, but on my legs, my eyebrows, my face (grows much faster now), and even my belly. I used to be pretty furry, but my body couldn't keep up with everything. Now that I am losing weight and eating right, it's starting to function like normal again . . . WOO HOO!

Like I tell everyone - this has truly changed my life - and I am willing to share it with anyone that wants to know. Much love to everybody!! Below are pics of my handiwork . . . :)

5 Weeks After: Six Inches

Everyone get your mind out of the gutter . . .

So, haven't gone to weigh in a while, mainly b/c I've been kinda busy. Work was a bit of a mess when I got back, but that's to be expected since I was out for so long. Not in a bad way, just had to catch up on stuff.

I was thinking about weighing, but held off. Mainly because of how I lose weight. My body is dropping the weight in small jolts -- not really a smooth process. I'm sure everyone is like that, which is why they tell me not to weigh more than once every 2 weeks. What I've found is that I'll lose weight, then my weight will remain steady and I'll lose inches. Never really both at the same time though . . . which is kinda weird, but I'm okay with it.

So - as you might have guessed by now (unless your mind is still in the gutter, which I think is hilarious btw) I've lost 6 inches on my waist line. Kind of caught me off guard because it was quite sudden, like this past week. Last weekend I tried on a pair of shorts that were smaller and I just couldn't get them all the way on (like up on my waist). Today - I'm wearing them comfortably while at Starbucks blogging about it . . . Kinda cool . . .

I went into my basement last weekend and went through all of the smaller sizes I have to see what still I can wear now, and I practically have a new wardrobe. I know the weight loss will slow down to a more gradual level - it has too b/c I don't think my body can keep up - but it's really neat to be doing this.

The neatest thing that has happened to date was at work yesterday. Two people were walking towards me (from quite a bit of distance away) and when I got to them they stopped me. One of them said that they commented on the fact that I am looking really good right now. The other one said, "Yeah, and he's happy too." Looking good is nice, but being truly content and happy is the best thing ever . . .

Three Weeks After: Fill 'er up!

Okay, so I didn't know this before - but when they put the band on, they don't fill it up. See -- there is this little issue with your gastrointestinal tract (like that Claire??) that when they mess with it, it swells. So, they have to wait three to four weeks for the swelling to subside so they can fill the band up.

So - I go to my first fill appt with several other people, and of course, the first step is to get weighed. Hmmmm, I'm not real excited about this, because between the surgery and now, I've been eating more and more, and the past week I've almost eaten regular size meals, which is NOT supposed to happen. I was a bit stressed out about the scale, and the scale confirmed my stress. I'd only lost an additional 3 lbs since my last weigh in . . .

Now, I'm thinking something major is wrong, like my band has slipped or it's not small enough - and after I sit down and we start talking, I find out everyone else has had the same experience as me. Then the nurse sits down with a big ol' grin and says "Y'all probably have eaten a lot more this week than the past few weeks huh?" She goes on to explain that means our swelling has gone down and they can go ahead and do the fill. I was like -- why in the HELL didn't you tell me before. I've been all stressed about it. (I didn't say that, I was much nicer in my delivery.)

I was much relieved after that. To get a fill, you have to get up on an xray bed that's literally like 3 feet off the ground, they had steps thank goodness! They use a flouroscope to locate the port valve under the skin, and they close it off completely. Then, you drink a little barium, and the doc slowly draws back the saline solution from the port until the barium trickles through. Ta-dah! I now have a small pouch of a stomach that holds about a half cup of chewed food. Might not seem like a lot, but then again that IS the point. My band holds up to 14cc's (when it's closed off), and I have 6 cc's in me :)

Now - they said it would take 3 to 6 fills to get the band at the right spot, but I'm not so sure about that. Mine, for the moment, is working rather well. I know this because if I don't follow what to eat when, it doesn't work out. The hardest thing to change in this journey is my behaviors around food. I've learned several times over NOT to eat too much, but I sometimes still do. It's weird because my mind tells me I should eat and I'm hungry, but I'm really not. I'm playing mind games with myself (and you thought there was only one way to do that, huh?).

Learning some new rules and restrictions - like no fried potatoes (that one hurts pretty bad!), fastfood is not good at all, chew at least 20 times before swallowing (shut up Nilla!), and don't drink until 60 min after you've eaten. It's all a bit challenging, but worth every minute. Even when I'm "learning" not to break the rules.

I feel so much more energetic than I have in years -- literally! Although the weight has primarily come off of my face, hands, and feet -- It's a start! I am proud to share that I no longer have cankles!! Well -- that's all for now. 23 pounds in 3 weeks is pretty sweet -- dontcha think? Now - must find a doctor in Topeka to do my fills so I don't have to go back to DFW every month . . .

The Week After: Three Rings

Hello my Pretties! So, it's been one week since the surgery, and we're at 20 lbs. I'm flabergasted and excited . . . and not really that hungry. One of the things that I'm finding that will be the real struggle is to break my habit in eating, not actually the eating itself. But more on that in a moment . . .

You may have noticed that my weight loss total has only gone up by 3 lbs from the last graphic. At my first appt, I found out that the surgeon's scale was not working properly and therefore, mis-weighed me. It made all of the patients that day weigh light, not just me -- so phooey on that. But the bottom line is that 20 lbs have fallen off since the start, and that's just too cool for school.

Ring 1: My Aggie Ring
Yes, that is the picture of my beloved Aggie Ring. I have not been able to wear this ring comfortably for extended periods of times in probably 4 or 5 years. My fingers were just too damn big. However . . . I've now been able to wear it for the past 4 days, nonstop! For most, it's not a huge deal to wear your college ring, but A&M grads know that it's such a huge thing to qualify and get your Aggie Ring, and the vast majority of grads wear their rings for life. I was excstatic to be able to put it on my finger and be able to wear it again.

Ring 2: My Lap Band
Alright gang -- not to get too gross, but I had my first "bad band" day...today. That means that I had some issues keeping food down -- specifically lunch. I had tuna fish and some pasta (overcooked it as instructed) but let's just say it didn't agree with me. This was the one thing about the band that I was not happy about -- sometimes if you eat too much or are having a bad day, food doesn't stay put. Now, I HATE to throw up . . . HATE IT! But -- kind of odd to say but it wasn't as bad as an actual throw up. You don't wretch -- it just comes back up. My step mom calls it a "productive burp" (she has one too). So -- I've finally experienced that and know what to do.

Ring 3: The Block
So yesterday at the doctor's -- I got the okay to start walking for exercise. Yay?? Keep in mind I hate exercise, but am over it. I know that I won't like doing it, but will feel better after I do it (which I did). It's kind of the self-conscious part of me that thinks everyone is gonna point at the big guy exercising . . . but damnit! I should be!! So - I walked about 3/4 mile today. Just made a lap around a 3 block (or so) area where my parents live. Felt good to get out and just do it. Goal is by the end of next month, walking 2 miles three times a week.

So -- there's your weekly update (Thom!). I didn't want to bore everyone with this but it is the biggest thing going down in my life right now, so I need to capture it. It will be neat to go through all this later after all is going strong and see how silly I am on some stuff :) Until next time . . .

The Night Before

So, one of my work friends asked if I was going to blog about the experience of getting a lap band, and well, it's my understanding I'll be knocked out but I'll do my best Kim! :)

In reality, I'm really just a jumbled mess the night before the procedure. I'm really glad this happened so fast and I didn't get a ton of time to plan and think about it, I'd probably drive myself and all my friends and family crazy.

So - what's up? I guess I'd describe my feeling as a young Tom Cruise walking into a gay bar in San Fransisco to ask for directions. (Digest that one for awhile . . . it's open for interpretation but I know what I mean.)

Okay -- need to focus. (Told you I was all over the place.) I feel a sense of mourning. (Mourning?? You probably think I'm fkn crazy!) Let me 'splain . . . I'm making a drastic change in my life, for the better. But, I do feel that I'm finally able to close the door on a rather bleak chapter on my life. If I were to paint it, I'd probably paint it black, charcoal, and gray. I found the box with all the bright paints in it now, and am ready to fill in a new canvas. (I didn't realize my old posts covered up my last post - check it out as I discuss the plan to this point) So, I'm kinda sad the "old" me is going. NOT sad enough to not go through with this . . . I know, makes no sense.

I know I'm rambling here, but it's not like I'm accepting an Oscar. There's no queued music playin . . . I appreciate all the support and messages from everyone and am looking forward to my new path. Feel free to ask any questions you may have, for this is all new to me too. I do plan on blogging how things are going and I will DEFINITELY be posting the pounds I've lost as I get to know.

Finally, I leave you with a lyric from a favorite song of mine that really sums up this step I'm taking in life. You can find it in the video bar to the left if you'd like to hear the whole thing. It's called "Raincoat" by Kelly Sweet . . .

"I'm gonna throw out my raincoat/mmmmmm, I hope it's alright/Gonna go find me a rainbow/ Hang it up in the sky/Blues pass me by"