Don't Miss the Little Things

So, I recently returned from a trip to Texas. My grandmother passed away last Thursday, and I couldn’t stay down there for the funeral due to school, but I was able to visit the family and just be there. It was great to see everyone and to just be around them. On my way back, my stepmom (or as she is known – Mom2) called to let me know she really enjoyed my visit and how much she loves me. It totally made my day.

It also was another example of how important it is to appreciate the little things in life. The little chances to tell people how much they mean to you. How much fun it is to take random adventures when you don’t really know where you’re going? How fun it is to send someone a text message that you know will elicit a WTF response – and probably a giggle or two?

Here’s just a small list of some little things that I was reminded of this past weekend . . .

Snowfall in Texas – It’s such a rare event and we have never gotten as much as they did over the past week (it was like foot). There was literally a snowman in every single yard in my parents’ neighborhood.
My nephew’s hugs (and my nieces’ for that matter)
Laughter in spite of everything else
Telling someone goodnight
Hanging with your old HS friends – like not much has changed
Being told that you need to move back right away
Telling your secrets to someone that will keep them
Getting a message from your BFF that she misses you terribly
Getting a picture texted to you of your cat lying in your dog’s kennel
Someone sending you the word “Yay!”
Reconnecting with a lost friend, and meeting his fiancée
Your Dad telling you he hates Facebook, but loves you

Just small things. What I’m finding out is that life is really worth the little things. The big ones are nice – don’t get me wrong – but if you pay attention to everything around you – there’s much joy to be had. Much indeed . . .

Finally Here

The wind blew quite briskly, tossing my hair and some various papers about. It was welcomed, what with the warming of the sun on my skin needing a reprieve from the heat. Even in February, the Texas sun can be warm. Sitting on the deck in back, I absorb it all.

The strong breeze blowing through several wind chimes that my stepmother has hung in the back yard. The gentle notes breaking through the sound fo rustling leaves and dried up foliage from the winter. Growing in the yard is the first blooms of the wildflowers that will become so abundant by the end of March. Dad will want to treat the yard soon. As in so many marriages, the yard is his domain, the home is hers.

I sip some juice - Cran-Grape actually. The tartness on my tongue awakens, almost invigorates me. I love tart flavors. My enjoyment of the nature is broken by the meowing of Buddy, the ol' gray cat that calls the back yard his home. My stepmom wanted a fat cat, and Buddy fit the bill. He eats Kit and Kaboodle, mainly b/c she was told it'd fatten him up. He jumps up on the chair next to me as if to look over my shoulder and read. In reality, he just wants me to pet him.

Quickly, however, and without much warning, Buddy is gone. I notice why - a wayward bluejay has made it's way to the dried up wysteria bush in the back corner of the yard. Buddy is off to make a kill. Poor tubby, doesn't realize that his girth doesn't work well with his killer inside. I love the back yard. It's kind of an escape for me.

Reflecting, which I've done a lot of over the past few weeks, I realize that I'm on the last step. My stepmom and I were talking the night before last when I got home, and it was about everything coming up and what was going on. As my conversations tend to do, we drift in and out on a various assortment of topics. Then she asks how I'm doing.

"I'm scared." I tell her. "But not of the surgery. I'm not so much scared about that. I'm scared about awaits me." See, I've spent the better part of the last seven years of my life unwinding what was in my head. I've seen how low I can go, and how bad it is down there. But I had to walk down that path, and battle those demons. It's consumed so much of my life for so long. It's scary to look down the path that you've worked so hard to go down, and realize you're almost at the end. I never thought I'd get here.

Being the planner that I am, I had planned out everything I was going to do.

1. Move away from all influences. Get a clean slate. (hence, Topeka KS)
2. Find a REALLY good shrink/therapist. Work on the abuse issues.
3. Get off the meds when you can. Try to get to the point where you don't need to take them anymore (that was 2007)
4. Work on accepting yourself. I knew that once I liked who I was, then others would as well. No one likes to be around people that aren't happy with who they are. (Out in '07 -- I should make that into a shirt :)
5. Reconnect with my Dad. That's a whole other blog entry, but it's one of the things I'm most proud of.
6. Do something, anything about your weight. (i.e. LapBand in 5 days!!!)

I know, not a lot of steps, but not an easy to do list either. But I wanted to get here. And what is "here?" you may ask. Here is healing. Here is at peace. Here is a point where my past will no longer control my future. I'm scared, but not afraid. I'm ready to find the next path. I'm just ready to find the next path of my life, one that takes me into a different level, a different spot. I have really great friends, and a really great family. Maybe scared isn't even the right word, maybe it's excited. I don't know . . . mainly b/c I've never felt it before.

Here is now . . . and it's where I want to be.

Feliz Navidad from Tejas!!

Merry Christmas y'all!!! Wanted to spruce the blog up a little bit with a little Christmas decor and cheer . . . and a few holiday pointers . . .

Like - for instance - SMILE while Christmas shopping! When did this become a chore and not fun?? You should shop with friends or family that make you laugh and enjoy the experience. You accomplish your tasks and maybe make a memorable experience. Of course, be careful with the baskets -- especially in stores that like to pack things precariously on the sales floor (i.e. Pier One and the stack of glass oil enfusers -- but it wasn't me that broke it!)

Speaking of shopping -- look online for some fun stuff. Unique and fun gifts that you can purchase in your jammies (or in the buff!) Of course you can check the usual suspects, like target.com - amazon.com - and ebay.com, but do some searches and see what pops up. That's how I found blurb.com (custom books -- I made my dad a scrapbook of old photos into a book) and skinit.com (adhesive designs for any device).

Or -- how about plan a fun and easy meal for large gatherings for once! On Christmas Eve -- we're doing an Appetizer Delight (finger foods only!) and for Christmas -- well it's steak and potatoes! And use Chinet or plastic ware. It's fun - different - and easy to clean up!

And in a tight economy -- how about drawing for gifts so you don't have to buy for everyone! There's my dad and stepmom, my 3 brothers, 2 sis in laws, not to mention the kids. So we drew so we could buy one good gift vs. a bunch of cheap ones and wasted money. Plus, we're doing a Chinese Christmas so that'll be fun too . . .

Hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas (or whatever winter holiday you and yours celebrate). Much love!!!!

Life in HD

Ever notice how sometimes life just comes at you all at once?? Not in a bad, or good way . . . it's just clear. It's been awhile since life has come at me in HD, but right now, my life is in HD. I feel like I can see where it's great, and where it needs work. It's kinda neat. Kinda like watching live events in HD -- sometimes it freaking awesome, and sometimes a bit scary.

My niece answered the phone when I called my brother, and wanted to know if I was gonna spend the night. It made me smile a bit, since I hadn't had anyone ask if I was gonna spend the night in a long, long time. She was so excited to learn that Ragan would be coming with me, and that I would indeed spend the night at my brother's house. My family is coming in loud and clear -- they miss me and love me. Can't wait to move back closer to home (2010 hopefully!!!).

My television is actually now in HD, finally. Yes, I had a flat screen tv for awhile, but just never saw the need to get that dvr thing. My friends had it and I always watched shows over there. My favorite show, the closer, I could watch on dvd when it comes out, and there isn't much else that I watch. Well, 2 new shows are out (Leverage and Trust Me, ironically both on TNT with the Closer) and I just had to get a dvr. So -- now my tv is clear.

My bff Grace (yes, we have joe & grace shirts!!) is getting married in October. Everytime we talk, it gets a little more real. We've planned to do dress shopping, tux shopping, center piece planning, etc. over the course of the next few months. I've got to work on invites, programs, and place cards. And now we're leaning towards doing a playlist CD as a favor for the guests of the wedding. A way for them to share their gratitude with their families and friends. I'm so happy for her, and for him too! They are so in love -- and that is clear to me too. Love is still out there for me, and it will find me just like it found Gracie.

Finally, the holidays are clear to me too. It's cold (like single digits!) and the hustle and bustle, even in these times, is in the air. Many, like me, are buying less and buying bargains, but it's still holidays. All that's left for me is to wrap presents and put 'em in the back of the car. :) It's Christams time in the city . . . clearly . . .

So, I'm a fan of life in HD -- I like seeing everything clearly. Hopefully, you are seeing the positives, as well as the challenges, in HD too.

I leave you with a sneak peak at the playlist for the wedding CD -- like everything we do -- it will change -- but that's part of the fun!

Ain't No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Your Song - Elton John
Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk
(She's) Some Kind of Wonderful - Huey Lewis & the News
The Greatest - Michelle Williams
The Way - Clay Aiken
Everything - Michael Buble'
I'd Wait for Life - Take That
Love is Strange - Mickey & Sylvia
You're the One That I Want - John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John
Angels - Robbie Williams
Will You Marry Me? - Paula Abdul
Rule the World - Take That
Realize - Colbie Caillat
I'll Be Loving You Long Time - Mariah Carey
Save the Last Dance - Michael Buble'
2 Hearts - Kylie Minogue
Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton

512 Miles South

512 Miles ~ That's the distance from my home here in Kansas to my Dad's House SW of Ft. Worth.

It's about an 8 hr drive . . . mainly due to traffic and construction. I had a lot of time on the trip to think. What would it be like after so long seeing my Dad? Is it going to be awkward? Is anyone going to be angry or mad at me? What if it goes badly? Why am I doing this? Is this the right thing? As you can see, a lot of questions circled my mind. Truth be told, I was nervous. Very, very nervous.

So, after the long trip, I pull up to the home. And there, on the front porch, was my Dad and his wife. Waving and smiling. I pull up, turn the car off. And open the door . . . here it goes . . . and I'm greeted by the biggest hug. Instant relief. Any doubts in my mind were immediately gone. As convenience would have it, the first evening was just us, a bowl of chili, lots of pictures, and smiles. It was nice to visit and hear what life has been like for them, and share mine.

The second day was a jaunt to Hurst to have lunch with my uncle, and then over to the Stockyards in north Ft. Worth for some souveniers for The Double D's for watching the pooch. Saturday, we took a day trip to Austin to visit my brother John, and Sunday was Cowboys game and goodbyes. Inbetween, I got to see all my brothers, my niece and nephew, my sister-in-law, a golf course in progress, and just absorb it all.

There's a lot I'm not saying, because it's just for us. But know this, it was such a positive event for us all. After 10 years apart, we had a great time together, and have planned another visit after the holidays. When I get a chance, I'll post some pics on flickr for ya . . .

I miss them all already. I'll be home again soon, Daddy.

The Long Journey Home

Wow! I could start this blog with all kinds of cliche's . . . like "Every journey begins with the first step" or the ever popular "Why is it guy's don't ask for directions?" . . . but I won't do that. Besides, I did ask for directions, and that's just how I am. So, let's jump in . . .

On Thursday, I'll be embarking on a trip that is over 500 miles and 10 years in the making. I'm taking off to visit my Dad. I haven't seen him, that I recall, since I graduated high school. Our relationship was tense and strained ever since I entered my teen years. He never did anything to hurt me, or harm me, or really push me away. I was just angry at what was going on in my life, I was confused about who I was, and I struggled with my moods. My mind was in a drink mixer, and all that came out was hate. For some reason, the only adult in my life that didn't hurt me or take advantage of me had to take the brunt of all my anger. I know why, but it wasn't anything he did.

Moving to Kansas gave me a chance to piece together my life and put some order to my universe, if you will. It hasn't all been a joy, but it was the best decision I could have made. I was able to finally move past the abuse by my step-father, accept who I was as a person, and look back and see what relationships needed mending.

The obvious place to start was with my Dad. He's been there, finding out about me from my brother Jim, waiting for me to come around. Then, my step-mom Lisa, knowing both my father and me, intervened. She sent me an email just wanting to let me know they cared. It was the push I needed. Emails have been exchanged, phone conversations took place, and now I'm going to visit.

I'm going on a journey Home, to a place where I've never been. A place that I know has always been there for me, I was just so scared to go. For those wondering the "oh Joe, does he know?" Well, he does, and doesn't care. He loves and accepts me for me. He doesn't want to push me away, he just wants to be a part of my life, and get to know the man I've become. Not much will be said between us, but much will be felt. I know he loves me, I've always known.

Daddy, I'm coming Home.

An Open Letter to My Brothers

Below is a posting on my MySpace page (see blog roll). I'm not going to switch or anything crazy, buy my 3 brothers are all myspacers. So, I got a page to start keeping in touch with them. I have really been untying those emotional knots that I tied so long ago, and am to the point to ask for forgiveness to those I hurt, starting with them. I miss them . . .

I sat down tonight with a retrospective look on things. I’ve been doing it a lot lately. As you probably know (or maybe not) I came out. Accepting myself was hard, very hard. For the longest time I didn’t like myself, so I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. Sounds stupid, but the logic was that if no one liked me, then I wouldn’t have to either. Problem was – not a really good way to live, or experience life for that matter. So, here I am, 3:30 in the morning, in Topeka, KS, thinking about you 3 (And yes, I’m sober! I sometimes just can’t sleep.)

First to John & Jeff, I have to say, I’m ashamed to say I don’t know y’all very well. It’s something I’m not proud of by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s safe to say I regret the fact that I allowed my anger and selfishness to affect our relationship. I am very ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I ignored you for so long. To be who you are today – to reach out to me after how I treated you for so many years – truly humbles me. I’m not deserving now, but hopefully one day I can be.

To Jim, why on Earth do you put up with me? The twists and turns that have been our tumultuous relationship have been a bit much. I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. But you do. You’ve dealt with all my crap, all my anger, all my negativity for so long . . . and you still are there for me.

So, guys, I’m sorry. More than you’ll ever know, I am sorry. If I ever hurt you or someone that you love, I’m sorry. I want to make it up, make it all go away, but I can’t. All I can do is let you know that if you’ll let me, I’d like to try to be the brother I should have been so long ago.

I want to listen to what’s going on in your lives. I want to know the struggles you face. I want to learn what you enjoy doing, and what you absolutely despise. I want to get to know you. But most of all, I want you to know that I love you.

Who knows why we do the things we do, or why we make the choices we make. I can only ask that you forgive me for mine.

I’ll end with this – I was thinking of y’all and Dad and this idea popped into my head. I know it’s been awhile, but thank you for waiting for me to figure things out.

“Running”

~

Running from me, running from truth, running to cry.

Anger inside, burning throughout my soul

Hatred at the world, no one can console.

From beneath my heart, the coolness grabs a hold –

Push everything away, no one gets close.

Why are you still there?

~

Running from love, running from hope, running to hide.

No one knows the prison in which I reside –

No one experiences that trauma that I resist –

No one understands my pain, no one recognizes –

No one gets to know, no one gets to reply –

Really, why are you still there?

~

Running from feeling, running from home, running to fly.

From the world, I withdrew – deep into my prison

Without contact, myself, I did not have to envision.

Who I became – it appeared to be a contradiction.

The desires I had – conflicted with my conviction.

No really, why are you still there?

~

Running from acknowledging, running from peace, running to disappear.

I would melt away into this vast land – I retreat

I would exist alone – from life retire

I would hide in shame – angry and resolute

I would ignore all – only to be with my regret

Unbelievably, you are still here . . .

Take care – jj:)

Just Venting

Whew . . . what a week it was for me. I know everyone goes down this journey at one point or another, and I'm on it now. The following is a bit personal, and a bit drama, but it's what I'm dealing with. Just lettin' ya know in case you want to skip on by. I'm using this blog as a journal, and sometimes it's raw, honest, and emotion laden. This is probably one of those times.

As stated in a previous blog, I came out to my mother the other day. For most, this is a big step in accepting themselves and being happy with who they are. For me, it's also very treacherous. My mother is still married to the man that sexually abused me while I was growing up. Without going into too many details, I've dealt with a majority of those issues. I have worked to process the anger and pain, and am moving past that.

Part of my healing was accepting that even though he did this to me, and even though my mother knew the eventual truth, she still chose to stay with him. That is her choice. I have to respect that. My choice, however, is that I don't want him in my life, at all. I don't want to communicate with him, talk with him, nothing. For obvious reasons, it's a really powerful trigger to memories that I don't want to revisit anymore.

Not only have I struggled with my sexuality, I also struggled with putting the past in perspective. So, while coming out to my mother, I reiterate that to her. I just let her know that I understand that he is part of your life, but that I need her to respect my boundaries and not bring him into my life. I don't want to talk to him, about him, or communicate with him. I'm fine not going to the family gatherings since he'll be there. It's okay. I'll survive.

Problem is she still forces the issue. She tries to tell me how sorry he is and how he wants forgiveness, etc. I have forgiven him, I just don't want him as part of my life. He did something to me that was so destructive and so hurtful, that cut me to my core. I'm not asking her to relate or understand, just to respect the boundary and understand I need that to continue to heal.

Well the latest issue is that she forwarded an email to me from him. I didn't need to see it. It says nothing I haven't already heard from him or been told. He's sorry, he wants forgiveness, he wants to be part of my life. I don't want him as part of my life!!! I don't want the man that did those things to me to be around me anymore!!! Is that unreasonable??? Should I be made to feel guilty because of that???

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any comments are appreciated, and if you read this, thanks for listening. I know it'll get better but things are still emotionally raw right now.

Hula Hoops

Well . . . I got some advice from some friends, and that was to follow my own advice.

My advice that I was giving was telling a friend not to worry how other people would react because you can't control their reactions. You can only control how you react. I call this the Hula Hoop Principle. Imagine a hula hoop around you. You control everything in the hula hoop, but not outside of it. You can influence outside of your hula hoop, but not conrol it. So don't worry about what's outside of it. Control what's inside of your hula hoop, and you'll be much happier. (It works great for us admitted conrol freaks!)

She was engaged and broke it off with her finace'. They had grown apart (they don't even live in the same state) and it was just over. About a month later, she now has a new boyfriend she is crazy about. Which is kudos for her! However, she is worried about what people will think/feel about her. She doesn't want to be judged. I told her that she controls how she lets them know about her new boyfriend. She can't control how they react to it, and to not worry about it. Only worry about what she can control. I reminded her that she knows she made the right call for both her and her finace' by ending the relationship. I also told her that he would date others as well. Someone always is first in finding the new person, and in this case it was her. She smiled and agreed that I was right (why wouldn't I be?) and that she felt better. Yeah me! I'm an awesome friend, helped someone with an issue, and am filling quite chipper with myself.

I'm out to my friends and some people at work, but no to my family. I haven't come out to my family for a mulitude of reasons, but mainly because I was worried about how they would react. I didn't want to deal with it. So, I avoided it. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm tired of pretending to be what my family wants me to be, and am no longer going to compromise my happiness to do so. I feel that a lot of gay men and women reach this point. Some of us are just in the remedial course . . . :) Well, I'm at that point. So, I was really worried about how the whole situation was going to unfold and what was going to happen, and my friend from the above paragraph was being my concerned ear. She smiled ever so slightly and said to me without batting and eye, "Follow your own advice."

"What?" I asked. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Again, a smile. "Where's your hula hoop?"

Shut the damn door! She's right. Nothing else I can say. So I did it. I'm out. Looks like I found my hula hoop.

Hugz! :)