Goodbye, Old Friends . . .

Oh, my dear, dear friends.  I'm not talking to you blog readers, but rather a pair of shoes.  Sound odd??  You should see the other 60 friends I have in my two closets . . . Now it doesn't seem so odd that I say goodbye to these old friends -- does it??  (or maybe it does, hehe)

The time has come, as in every relationship, to be honest.  Is it going to last?  Is it going to make it through the sands of time?  Or is it time to acknowledge the truth and part ways.  I think, at this point in our lives, it is indeed time to part ways.

Yes, I hear you friends.  You have carried me when I was at my heaviest.  When I couldn't make it more than 5 minutes on the treadmill.  I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without heavy breathing.  You were there with me . . .

But now where there once was joy, and triumph -- it's just pain now.  You don't support me the way you used to.  You don't carry me when I'm tired and down trodden as you did in the past.  Is there someone else?  Are you just tired of always being there?  I don't know why you've decided, after all the sweat, tears, and miles, to not do what you've always done.

I need -- no wait -- deserve to find someone that puts that extra spring in my step.  You no longer want to do that, or are able to . . . and I can't continue to let you hurt me the way you do now. 

So -- to you my dear friends -- my first pair of workout shoes since my lap bad surgery in Feb 09 -- I bid adieu.  I'll cherish the times together and what we were able to accomplish as a team. 

(chuckle)

Save the Paper

Paperless transactions, paperless documents, paperless communication, paperless money, paperless . . . paperless . . . paperless. . .

What did paper ever do to you? Did it steal something important from you? Did it lie to you? Why do you hate paper so much?? Ever think about the impact that paper has had on your life?

I can promise you this, my life would be much different without paper. So many memories, so many images . . . are preserved on paper. Paper is, dare I say it, more personal. When you give someone something on paper, it means more. It says – “Hey, you took the time to write this down and send it to me. You must think I’m special.”

It’s amazing what happens to an item if you wrap it up in paper. Let’s say you bought someone a shirt and you just hand it to them. They’ll be happy . . . but that’s about it. Now take the same shirt, wrap paper around it, and give it to them. They are immediately touched by the gesture of taking some paper and concealing what you are giving them. You turn a handout into a present with the presence of paper.

And seriously . . . who doesn’t like to hold a wad of paper money?? How cool is it? Even if it’s a stack of $1’s, it’s still pretty awesome to hold. You just feel excited . . .

Yes, I’m lamenting the loss of paper in our world. It’s been so many special memories for me. Some from far ago, some from just the other day, but paper has been a huge part of them. From a present I really wanted years ago, to a fortune from a fortune cookie given to me by someone special, paper continues to be a part of something that touches my life.

So with that in mind . . . I say this . . . SAVE THE PAPER!!!

Sorry, I'm Falling

I know I said it would never happen again, it’s not like I planned this out. You are sitting there looking at me tapping your foot and looking at me over the rim of your glasses like this was some sort of planned event. As if somehow, some way, this was all MY doing.

Seriously?? What control did I have? I was merely walking through the doors that were open. I can’t predict what’s up the road. I’m not freaking Ms. Cleo or anything. You can’t be mad about this forever you know . . . you just can’t.

Look – what did you EXPECT me to do? Explain that to me. What am I supposed to do when I’m faced with a situation like this? I did what you wanted for awhile, and neither of us were happy, at all . . . and now you get all mad because I decide to try something different?

Don’t blame me for wanting to be happy. And don’t act like I’m not aware of what all the risks are here. I know what they are, well some of them anyway. I still remember the pain from last time. It was a long time ago, but I remember. You’re not the only one.

So here’s the deal. I’m doing this. I’m gonna jump. I’m fully aware that there is no net. You want to jump with me, your choice. But I’m not sitting this one out. I’m not going to follow the same path over and over and expect things to change. That’s insanity . . .

I’m falling.

Return of the Guru

Alright my skittles . . . The Fashion Guru is baaaaack! It is time for me to impart some extremely importante information regarding certain fashion choices that have been working my last nerve. I am tired of walking around in all my fabulosity and having to be bombarded with some rather . . . well, disturbing selections that some of the less fortunate are making. Since my journeys have made me almost other-worldly, I'd like to impart my fashion wisdom. So today, there are 3 simple rules that I'd like everyone to follow for the rest of the summer.

Rule #1 - Read Instructions ~ Read instructions?? Yes dearies . . . if you were not aware many of today's ensembles come WITH INSTRUCTIONS! If you will just read the item's instructions you will not make a poor choice. Need an example?? Take "skinny jeans." This is such an easy instruction to follow - they are telling you if you are skinny, these are your jeans. If you are NOT SKINNY, these ARE NOT your jeans. It's just that easy! And skinny isn't if you line up all of your relatives at the Southern Deep Fried convention and you happen to be the smallest fatty that you are then skinny . . . skinny is NOT relative. Other examples -- mom jeans (jeans for mom), fitted tees (if they don't fit . . .), undershirts (rednecks - this means to wear 'under' another shirt - or to make it easier to understand you will end up wearing as many shirts as you have teeth). See?? That was easy.

Rule #2 - Ensure contents don't shift during travel ~ or in other words . . . wear undergarments! Ladies -- unless you are 24 with super perky boobs, you need to support your girls with some type of bra . . . any bra . . . seriously. Try the pencil test . . . If you can stick a pencil under your boob, and it stays, you need support. Gravity is the devil - and after nursing 3 children and gaining 40 lbs, you should not under ANY circumstances allow you girls to EVER be free . . . I'm not sure I'd even recommend them to be free EVER, but at least in public keep them contained. The last thing anyone wants to see is a couple of droopy orangutan boobies bouncin under some light cottony fabric. It's enough to make anyone wanna hurl.

Rule #3 - Also known as JJ's Golden Rule of Fashion - Just because it's your size does NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD WEAR IT!!! ~ Low rise jeans aren't meant to be warn by a size 24 women or 40" waisted man . . . they are just not! There is nothing sexy or alluring about someone that is wearing a pair of jeans that doesn't cover back fat or muffin top. NOTHING! Since you are not hot, (trust me, your not) your fashion choices should create the illusion that in a really dark bar with several drinks, you might be "cute". And if you are wearing something you shouldn't, it won't work.

Please, if you are one of the few gifted souls like me, help me help the fashionably challenged, or as I call them the FT's (Fashion-Tards), pass these rules along. It can only make the world a more beautiful place . . .