My New Year's Resolution

I realized something today that I didn’t quite have my hands around. It sounds a bit weird, but don’t judge. You have to walk in someone else’s shoes to get it sometimes. I don’t know how to be happy. It doesn’t mean that I have never been happy, or felt happy, but for the first time in a long, long time – I’m actually happy. It really weirds me out – I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and it is totally stressing me out.

I don’t trust that life can be this good. And believe me . . . it’s really, REALLY good. With all the changes going on this year, my outlook and attitude was bound to change . . . but this whole “happy” thing is new. I have had so many people over the past few months (and at home last weekend) comment on how happy I am. People never really used words like happy, content, satisfied, at peace, etc. when describing me. They do now . . . spooky . . .

So – if you haven’t been following (and so I can remind myself) here’s the year in a quick run down . . .

January – after being told that it’d take six months to get approval for lapband surgery, it’s approved in two weeks
February – 26th of Feb – last step of reclaiming my life back – I get my band
March/April – recoop at home and get to spend some time with the family – it was awesome!
May – decide to go back to school to become a Therapist – apply at Washburn University
June – Take my first college course, get an A! Intro to Psych in the books – loved it!
August – I’ve lost 100 lbs! Seriously!!! 10 days shy of six months!!! WHAT???
September – Off and running on my first semester back in school – juggling work and school is quite a challenge but am enjoying it
October – My BFF ties the knot in a beautiful ceremony AND my newest niece, McKenzie Grace is born.
November – Just taking a deep breath. School is almost over and weight loss is good.
December – Ready for this?? Got my first collegiate 4.0, Got a 1230 on my GRE (needed a 1200), went on a FANTASTIC date, met someone who is at the very least a great friend and hopefully wants to be more, got to hold my niece for the first time, saw my family the weekend before Christmas, AND – I can buy clothes off the rack!! I wear XXL shirts now (in most brands) instead of a 7XB (which means 7XL cut really big for my belly). I’m smaller than when I MOVED to Kansas 5 years ago . . .

This all hit me last night while at Christmas Eve service. I am so incredibly humbled by the blessings I’ve received this year, and it’s just so much to take in. I don’t know how to handle it . . . I keep looking over my shoulder.

So – my New Year’s Resolution – and I’m really going to do this – is to just sit back and enjoy life for what it is. I’m going to stop looking around for the bad coming, and instead enjoy the good.

Damn, I’m such a drama queen . . .

Here we gooooooooooooooo!!!

Ahhhhhhhhh. The sound of another year gone by (or loosening of the britches due to Christmas dinner) . . . either way it's often a time to reflect and make resolutions for a better year next year. Too bad I'm not one for resolutions . . .

However, I am resolute in one thing -- I've had it with struggling with my waist line. I'm tired of losing my breathe going up and down stairs, straining to tie my shoes, and all in all - just feeling a bit uncomfortable. Most of all -- I hate the stares. The stares really hurt your self esteem. You can almost hear their judgement on you before they even speak.

Well - since there isn't a diet I haven't tried, I've arrived at a point in my life where I can accept the inevitable, or take a risk. I'm chosing to take a risk. I have scheduled a dr's appt with a bariatric surgeon to explore the options of weight loss surgery.

Again, the judgements follow . . . I've had people tell me to "just not eat so much" or "just start running" or "go for a walk" or whatever. Thank you to all that have offered their advice, but you don't get it. You don't know what it's like. So, here is my feeble attempt at explaning it.

What do you tell an alcoholic they must do in order to not be addicted?? -- Don't drink alcohol. What do you tell a drug addict they must do in order to not be addicted?? -- Don't do drugs. Why are recovering addicts of these two successful -- they don't fall off the wagon. Everyone that knows an addict knows that even one slip up . . . one trip off the wagon . . . and it's a quick down hill tumble. And we all know how hard it is to break an addiciton . . . What do you tell someone that is addicted to food?? -- Don't eat so much and exercise . . . Hmmmm . . . it's the only addiction that you can't just stop doing because if you stop, you die. But if you don't stop . . . you die. There's one part of the problem.

The other part -- well -- after years of over eating . . . I've stretched out my stomach. It's a lot larger than it used to be . . . and that creates a problem. The nerves that create the "full" feeling are located in the TOP of the stomach. So, my hardwired body is jacked up because it takes more food than it should now to keep my brain from telling me it's hungry. That's the other part of the problem.

Now before we go down the journey of WHY I overate -- (you can check my old 360 blog for that . . . I haven't brought those posts over yet) -- know that I have dealt with, and conqured those demons. I no longer have the same feelings or motivations that I used to that drove me to eat. I'm good at three meals a day. Now it's about portion control . . .

Which brings me to what I want to have done -- I want to have a laproscopic band placed around my stomach. It, in essence, will shrink the size of my stomach allowing me to eat MUCH less food, and still feel full . . . among other things. It also restricts how big of bites I can take (forces me to take smaller bites and chew longer, slowing down how fast I eat and allowing my body to only eat what it needs) and certain foods I can't eat anymore (high fats, sodas, etc.) b/c my body will reject them.

Sound drastic?? Well, it kinda is. But so is not doing anything . . . My first appt with the doctor is in a few weeks . . . and if all goes well this spring I'll hopefully have the procedure! My life could drastically change in one year . . . I'm very scared by that . . . and also excited. I just made it through the turnstile and it's finally time to get on . . .


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