Just a Fear

Not really sure what to say, what to type. I've been frustrated for a week and the only thing I know how to do is type it out -- so to speak.

I hate being alone. I can find 47 million reasons why I should be alone, but I still don't like it. Things like - no time b/c of school, need to save $, work is crazy right now, you want to move back to Texas, blah blah blah . . . I sure can talk myself into misery.

Please, as you're reading this, don't send the "just relax" or "you'll find it when you're not looking" or "you're a great guy" comment . . . I appreciate it but it doesn't help. I'm 34, and my biggest fear is that I'm always going to be alone. Yet, for some reason, I do nothing to change it. It's my paradox, my dichotomy, my whatever you'd like to stick in this blank ____________. It's rather frustrating.

I even know the problem -- rejection. Yes, kids -- it's an intense fear of rejection. (And yes, I know where it comes from, why it's irrational, and why it's a roadblock) I just feel like I'm gonna end up sitting on my front porch with a blanket and watching the rest of my life pass by.

I feel like I'm screaming as loud as I can and the silence is deafening . . . just wanting someone to answer back . . . someone that is interested in me.

Forgive my insecure moment . . . back to your regular blog reading.