Joe Joe's very own Goblet of Fire

So, there are so many reasons that I love where I work. One of them is the time we spend working on becoming better leaders not just for the people that work for us, but for each of my peers as well. We are expected to always strive to be the best leaders we can be. You don't know how awesome it is to work for a major corporation that puts one of it's footholds in treating people with dignity and respect. In all honesty, it's why I still work there after 8 years (among other things).

So, today, we were having what's called a "developmental learning group." This is a group of execs that are discussing their opportunities (i.e. like for me, listening to others - I tend to interrupt, staying focused, being comfortable without knowing everything) and your strenghts (i.e. building teams people want to be on, connecting my team to the business as a whole, rebuilding struggling teams). {Go with me here, I'm gettin' to the point!}

We were doing an exercise where we pass a cup full of random questions around the group, you draw one, and answer it. It has questions ranging from "What's your most embarrassing moment at work?" to "If you could meet someone famous, who would it be and why?". So, the cup comes to me and I draw -- "What makes you most uncomfortable at work?" I know this answer immediately, but I don't want to share it. I don't want to tell anyone what makes me most uncomfortable . . . because it's also deeply personal. Even now, I'm still so protective of who I really am. I know this is because of two things, the fear of rejection and the fear of ridicule. Silly I know, but very true.

Being the cut up I am, everyone is expecting a smart ass comment or something dripping with sarcasm, and instead I take a deep breathe and really tell them -- "I am most uncomfortable at work telling people about my personal life. I only let people in so far, and then I try to divert attention. I need to work on this, and I know it. I need to let people know that if I don't want to share it, then I don't. Not just change the subject."

The room kinda went really quiet. Everyone looked at me for that uncomfortable minute, and I saw a few people nodding. It's true, I don't open up at work. I don't talk about who I am and what interests me outside of work. I'm very scared of sharing ~ mostly again because I'm afraid of the response I might get. We'll see how this new road opens up ~ because if I'm uncomfortable doing it, then I am growing.

Somehow, I feel the game of 20 questions is about to start . . .

An Open Letter to My Brothers

Below is a posting on my MySpace page (see blog roll). I'm not going to switch or anything crazy, buy my 3 brothers are all myspacers. So, I got a page to start keeping in touch with them. I have really been untying those emotional knots that I tied so long ago, and am to the point to ask for forgiveness to those I hurt, starting with them. I miss them . . .

I sat down tonight with a retrospective look on things. I’ve been doing it a lot lately. As you probably know (or maybe not) I came out. Accepting myself was hard, very hard. For the longest time I didn’t like myself, so I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. Sounds stupid, but the logic was that if no one liked me, then I wouldn’t have to either. Problem was – not a really good way to live, or experience life for that matter. So, here I am, 3:30 in the morning, in Topeka, KS, thinking about you 3 (And yes, I’m sober! I sometimes just can’t sleep.)

First to John & Jeff, I have to say, I’m ashamed to say I don’t know y’all very well. It’s something I’m not proud of by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s safe to say I regret the fact that I allowed my anger and selfishness to affect our relationship. I am very ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I ignored you for so long. To be who you are today – to reach out to me after how I treated you for so many years – truly humbles me. I’m not deserving now, but hopefully one day I can be.

To Jim, why on Earth do you put up with me? The twists and turns that have been our tumultuous relationship have been a bit much. I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. But you do. You’ve dealt with all my crap, all my anger, all my negativity for so long . . . and you still are there for me.

So, guys, I’m sorry. More than you’ll ever know, I am sorry. If I ever hurt you or someone that you love, I’m sorry. I want to make it up, make it all go away, but I can’t. All I can do is let you know that if you’ll let me, I’d like to try to be the brother I should have been so long ago.

I want to listen to what’s going on in your lives. I want to know the struggles you face. I want to learn what you enjoy doing, and what you absolutely despise. I want to get to know you. But most of all, I want you to know that I love you.

Who knows why we do the things we do, or why we make the choices we make. I can only ask that you forgive me for mine.

I’ll end with this – I was thinking of y’all and Dad and this idea popped into my head. I know it’s been awhile, but thank you for waiting for me to figure things out.

“Running”

~

Running from me, running from truth, running to cry.

Anger inside, burning throughout my soul

Hatred at the world, no one can console.

From beneath my heart, the coolness grabs a hold –

Push everything away, no one gets close.

Why are you still there?

~

Running from love, running from hope, running to hide.

No one knows the prison in which I reside –

No one experiences that trauma that I resist –

No one understands my pain, no one recognizes –

No one gets to know, no one gets to reply –

Really, why are you still there?

~

Running from feeling, running from home, running to fly.

From the world, I withdrew – deep into my prison

Without contact, myself, I did not have to envision.

Who I became – it appeared to be a contradiction.

The desires I had – conflicted with my conviction.

No really, why are you still there?

~

Running from acknowledging, running from peace, running to disappear.

I would melt away into this vast land – I retreat

I would exist alone – from life retire

I would hide in shame – angry and resolute

I would ignore all – only to be with my regret

Unbelievably, you are still here . . .

Take care – jj:)

I'm going to use and age old technique . . . Deflection

I have shown UNBELIEVABLE restraint on not posting or commenting on this picture. But I'm going to deflect now . . . and blame Thom (see his Ewww . . . posting) for letting this dark evil side of my personality out. (For those taking notes -- this is the ancient art of deflection. Trying to divert attention to someone else so they forget what you did.)

So, being from the country (and I ought to spell that kuntree based on where I'm from) anytime I go to a major city, I love it. Being the avid people watcher, having my attention diverted at any given moment, and having no control over my mouth in certain social situations, I'm pretty much gonna see and comment on anything I see. So, while snapping pictures of random people I work with playing in a fountain in downtown Kansas City, Ms. Hot Mess walks up.

I can't control myself. I'm not as good at self control as Thom. My mouth is moving drawing attention to this situation before that filter kicks in and stops me from sharing what I'm seeing. I really should see a specialist about it . . . it can be quite embarrassing . . .

This is how the scene plays out --

"Smile everyone!" goes the camera facing the fountain

"Oh, you want in the picture. Okay go ahead get in there." goes the camera facing the fountain

"Ok, now I want ----- oh no she is not -- oh hell no --" goes the camera facing to the left of the fountain, I'm still facing forward -- goes the camera facing the fountain taking a random picture so it appears I haven't really noticed her.

My coworker Alison (who knows my lack of tact and that I'm usually funny) begins to dart around and exclaim "What Joe?? What??"

"I'll show you in a minute . . . act casual"

I did. I couldn't pass up the moment to actually take this picture and share it. Yes, it's a train wreck, and yes, it's highly inappropriate. And it is also a bit sad . . . my heart goes out to her in that she feels this is her only option in life. But in the end it's also comedic (tragic, but still comedic). It was really funny . . . and I did black out the face so only the person actually wearing the outfit and working that street corner (or her pimp) will know for sure . . .

Oh, and Darin . . . yes I did actually post this!